How do you “emotionally support” a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

[Anonymous]

Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

[Anonymous]

That’s a good question. You start by asking it, to the woman in question. Listen and execute.

[Anonymous]

Emotional support is support for a spouse’s feelings.
It may be done by giving respect and showing love. ( not physical)
Actually listening to what she says and interacting accordingly.
In fights stonewalling or excessive screaming is not emotionally supportive either.
Its give and take and a lot of it is also empathy, which no men seem to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a good question. You start by asking it, to the woman in question. Listen and execute.

I like listen and execute. But do it permanently. So many people will improve for a little bit and then fall right back into old patterns.

[Anonymous]

Did you make major decisions with her, on your own, or leave her to make them on her own without you?

Did you compare her to other women, even in a subtle way?

Did you take her for granted?

I’m married to a man who would describe himself like you describe yourself. He has also done these things.

I didn’t divorce him over these things, but I did make it clear to him that he needed to fix these behaviors or I was finished. That was 6 years ago. He’s worked hard to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My dh is like this too. Also, he does more than "help around the house" (whatever that means, I suspect it's take out the trash or mow the lawn but not actually contribute to the daily drudgery of running a household). Or put differently, when he's not here, it makes a real difference and I miss him and the kids miss him too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

Your husband is the kind who tells you what you want to hear. He will never be totally honest with you because he doesn’t have the guts to do that. He’s a salesman. He sells the version he thinks will get him what he wants.

You need to accept and adapt, though. You know this is what you got. So in the future, never believe him when he says I will do X. Only commit after he’s done X. Put everything in writing. Get concrete leverage such as actual funds transferred. You are focusing too much on his words, which you already know are BS. Focus on actions.

If he fell through with an important commitment early on you cannot keep playing out this same pattern with him and victimizing yourself. Stand up for yourself and get what you need.

There is no other way this marriage will work, because he simply isn’t able to say no but he acts it out instead. Forget these endless discussions and spell out consequences for different actions. Then execute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

Your husband is the kind who tells you what you want to hear. He will never be totally honest with you because he doesn’t have the guts to do that. He’s a salesman. He sells the version he thinks will get him what he wants.

You need to accept and adapt, though. You know this is what you got. So in the future, never believe him when he says I will do X. Only commit after he’s done X. Put everything in writing. Get concrete leverage such as actual funds transferred. You are focusing too much on his words, which you already know are BS. Focus on actions.

If he fell through with an important commitment early on you cannot keep playing out this same pattern with him and victimizing yourself. Stand up for yourself and get what you need.

There is no other way this marriage will work, because he simply isn’t able to say no but he acts it out instead. Forget these endless discussions and spell out consequences for different actions. Then execute.

You are right about writing things down. We probably need to sign too, but it's taken me well over a decade to realize this because there is so much that is good about him when it comes to the actions that he does take. So I found ways to excuse the communication problems as one offs. Two major issues came together at the same time a few months ago, and then it finally hit me that this man is just going to keep putting me through this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

You shouldn't consider doing chores as "helping" if you live there than you should consider it your job too to do the dishes and other shared chores.

Also, "women" are individuals. We are not one group that has the same wants or needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is unhappy and thinks you are the source. When you are divorced, she will still be unhappy. You will be balls deep in someone new and unencumbered. You will be happy. She still won’t be. Give it about three years and mark my words.

So inaccurate. Every divorced woman I know who was unhappy while married got rid of the source of unhappiness…which was a crappy partner.

I know a half dozen divorced women. One divorced because she got cheated on. The others because they just had a general feeling of unhappiness and unfulfillment in life. The first cheating victims is ok now after a rough few years after having her world turned upside down. The other four are still rather miserable, struggling financially and have strained relationships with their teen or adult children. In three of those cases, their ex-husbands are paired with someone else and thriving.

It’s just my small sample size, hardly indicative of everything. But it’s what I have seen.

The intangible “unhappiness” thing as a reason for divorce is rarely or disproportionately the fault of the husband. Happiness is innate.

[Anonymous]

Just listen and pretend to be interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

Experience is the wrong choice of word.
It's the common complain from my relatives and friends.