How do you “emotionally support” a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks please read up on the suicide data for men. I am all for gender equality empowerment etc. But I do not care what anyone says we are doing it at the expense of men. You can help women and you should. However you can advance women’s happiness equality right without pointing to men as source of the problems.

what do you mean by this?

also a lot of us who are very pro-gender equality are highly concerned about the mental health of men. The stats are very worrisome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP very good question. Here is my take as a married man. The best way to emotionally support your wife is to LISTEN. I am not kidding, we pretend to listen but in reality we don’t. And we don’t do it because we are a**hole or don’t care, I honestly believe it’s a quality that women have and that men don’t.

My second take is that and I could be wrong most divorces are not the result of infertility but the result of emotional neglect.

Women often justify divorce by saying that “I gave him warnings, multiple chances”. What we failed to realize as men is that women don’t bluff. They know exactly what they want and if they don’t get want they want they will blow everything up.

I will finish by saying that if most divorced men knew what it took to keep their woman emotionally happy many would still be married.

Women also behave as if they are on “borrowed time”. They have specific milestones they must achieve by certain points in time. As a result many men think that they are being given “ultimatum”. Ultimate to get engaged, then to get married, then to have children, then this, then that. As a result resentment build with us even if we don’t show it. There are many instances in my marriage I feel like I am consistently being ask to do something by xyz time. The other day I was supposed to fix something in the house but I forgot because I was so busy with work and my wife blew up in my face. She said she asked many times (which is true) but I didn’t fix it. I don’t she was being a bad person I just think that men and women think very differently.

And because gender roles today are really being challenged, women’s happiness is being prioritized (and for good reasons), men I think are confused navigating this environment.

It's being prioritized more, but not prioritized above the happiness of men. It just feels like it's being prioritized more beacuse it's a new thing for men. Women are just expecting an equal level of happiness. In the past (and still now) a lot of men lived with the assumption that women would just deal with an acceptable level of unhappiness.

I am a man here and I agree 100%. J am modeling my marriage after my dad’s. Big mistake and I am on my way to divorce. I really think we men need serious therapy before getting married because we are not realizing how much gender equality in almost all aspects of life have been achieved. I am 45 and my parents are in their 70s. So I grew up in a household like many men my age where our moms put up with so much and yet never complained. This is explaining the rise in “gray divorce” and also the rise in divorce in general.

The question for the future is whether marriage will still be one of those major life events that have defined us for so long. And I also think women are also confused. Namely many still have that dream of a beautiful wedding day, the perfect husband etc, yet they failed to realize that many of the men they will end up with have still not caught up to this new environment and probably never will.

Very insightful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

Experience is the wrong choice of word.
It's the common complain from my relatives and friends.

A bunch of hens clucking and hating on men isn’t “evidence” of anything.

Without citations, nothing here is evidence of anything. It's all a bunch of opinions, you fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

+1 to the bolded. Just as bad as the people who respond to posts about sex problems in the marriage with "actually sex isn't a need."

Ha well that is not true. Not having emotional needs met increases the risk of heart disease, diabetes, addiction, suicide, early death all around, etc. Not having sex has no negative health consequences except blue balls. Now, if you are going to admit that men want sex to meet an *emotional* need that they believe they can't get met another way, then there is an indirect connection between sex and needs.

What r you talking about? Having piv with wife is in of itself a need. Not doing so causes issues with work, productivity etc. it’s delusional to think one’s hands can replace wife’s v.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

Experience is the wrong choice of word.
It's the common complain from my relatives and friends.

A bunch of hens clucking and hating on men isn’t “evidence” of anything.

Without citations, nothing here is evidence of anything. It's all a bunch of opinions, you fool.

Np. Pp didn’t claim it was her opinion, but said she has evidence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

NP here. That's not at all how I view being emotionally supportive. For me, it means hug me or rub my back, make sympathetic sounds like "aww" (or a noncommittal "mmm" if you disagree). It's being an engaged listener and asking follow-up questions.

It's all just emotional intelligence. Unfortunately I think you either have it or you don't. It's hard to learn if it doesn't come naturally. But, essentially, just hold her in your arms and shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

NP here. That's not at all how I view being emotionally supportive. For me, it means hug me or rub my back, make sympathetic sounds like "aww" (or a noncommittal "mmm" if you disagree). It's being an engaged listener and asking follow-up questions.

It's all just emotional intelligence. Unfortunately I think you either have it or you don't. It's hard to learn if it doesn't come naturally. But, essentially, just hold her in your arms and shut up.

That's what it is for you. Part of the problem is that "emotional support" is different for every individual. The phrase itself conveys a very limited amount of meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

I guess because I have been through a successful round of marriage counseling I see posts like these and wonder why you haven’t aggressively pursued marriage counseling. These types of issues are the type of issue that marriage counseling is best for. You don’t hate each other or want to divorce, but there are real communication problems that could benefit from sitting down with a third party and hashing things out.

Waiting until you are so frustrated you don’t want to be married anymore is the wrong time to begin marriage counseling.

I pray counseling helps us as much as it has helped you. We are starting counseling this December.

He has been in therapy for 3 years now for these issues.

Don’t be discouraged just because he has been in individual therapy forever and it’s been useless. Individual therapy has major limitations because it’s a therapist trying to get your DH to self report what is wrong with him and then realize he needs to change. Honestly this is a Sisyphean task.

Marriage counseling is a totally different modality with a different goal because you are both there to advocate for yourselves and your spouse doesn’t get to paint the entire picture. The goal of marriage counseling is just to save the marriage, not necessarily for you to feel better. This STILL requires a really skilled counselor and for both parties to be invested and it can take months before you really feel you’ve made progress. It’s hard! And frequently miserable! I mentioned in the other thread that the counselor initially babied DH, who had done some major dealbreakers. It was infuriating! But we at least made it through a major bump.

Thanks for your encouragement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a man need to do to not be served divorced papers? If he is a good father, he helps around the house, he is not an alcoholic and isn’t physically and mentally abusive, what else does he need to do to keep his wife happy?

Specifically, what exactly do women mean when they complain that their husbands are not “emotionally supportive”?

How do you show “emotional support”?
I’m getting divorced because my soon to be ex wife said that we grew apart because I was not emotionally supportive. I never dismissed her when she came to me with things that were bothering her at work or with her girlfriend, every time she got into a fight with her mom I was there to support her, when she came home stressed from work and was crying I supported her and I even helped her change career and get a better job.

After reading your initial post and all the replies, OP, my only takeaway is that you sound like my DH, who was diagnosed with autism in his late 30s. Like you, he is baffled by my reaction to his lack of emotional intelligence, and is constantly seeking out a magic checklist of sorts. Sometimes a therapist or I will try to be more prescriptive with him, but then I see him just going through the rote motions 1-2x and then slacking off and getting frustrated because I wasn’t somehow permanently satisfied by 2 days of attempted emotional engagement.

If you really think your relationship can be boiled down to stuff like not being an alcoholic and helping out, and are concerned that you might be served papers, and can’t see all the stuff in between those two steps, you might be facing a situation caused by neurodiversity. You should seek out the advice of a therapist and get an adult neurological work up to help you understand how your brain works vs. your wife’s.

Why did you marry this guy? Did you not realize this was a problem before he got diagnosed? I have some sympathy for the women who marry some guy with ADHD, which starts to show as life gets more hectic. But it's not like someone suddenly comes to lack emotional intelligence.

I always suspect that there are women out there who wanted the wedding and the kids but then get sick of the marriage once they've gotten what they wanted. You might be one of those.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but even I know that people on the spectrum can put a lot of effort into hiding it in the beginning of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

NP here. That's not at all how I view being emotionally supportive. For me, it means hug me or rub my back, make sympathetic sounds like "aww" (or a noncommittal "mmm" if you disagree). It's being an engaged listener and asking follow-up questions.

It's all just emotional intelligence. Unfortunately I think you either have it or you don't. It's hard to learn if it doesn't come naturally. But, essentially, just hold her in your arms and shut up.

That's what it is for you. Part of the problem is that "emotional support" is different for every individual. The phrase itself conveys a very limited amount of meaning.

No, it's a descriptive, precise term if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence. It's being supportive of someone in an emotional way as opposed to, I dunno, physically propping them up. It has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with her -- your opinions on play no role here, it's not a time for debate or being intellectually stimulating.

[Anonymous]

She can't tell you, you don't know. so the only solution would be a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

This.

Problem with op’s wife is that she is a whiner and expects op to validate all her feelings regardless of how irrational she be sometimes. Op is not allowed to have his own opinion. Anytime he has a different take on his wife’s problems, he is considered not being emotionally supportive.

NP here. That's not at all how I view being emotionally supportive. For me, it means hug me or rub my back, make sympathetic sounds like "aww" (or a noncommittal "mmm" if you disagree). It's being an engaged listener and asking follow-up questions.

It's all just emotional intelligence. Unfortunately I think you either have it or you don't. It's hard to learn if it doesn't come naturally. But, essentially, just hold her in your arms and shut up.

That's what it is for you. Part of the problem is that "emotional support" is different for every individual. The phrase itself conveys a very limited amount of meaning.

No, it's a descriptive, precise term if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence. It's being supportive of someone in an emotional way as opposed to, I dunno, physically propping them up. It has nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with her -- your opinions on play no role here, it's not a time for debate or being intellectually stimulating.

Part of the problem is some women are unhinged and they expect their husbands to support them no matter how much of a hill she is making out of the mole.