How do you “emotionally support” a woman?

[Anonymous]

Someone on this board recommended This is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. While I only skimmed it, I thought it had some good insights. Basically, understand that your actions can inadvertently minimize your partner’s experience. Stop thinking you’re basically a good guy and don’t need to change. Think about the fundamental needs that lie under their seemingly surface requests.

This is from another book, but always respond to their “bids” for connection. If they touch your arm, reach back out and give them a quick back scratch. If they say they had a hard day at work, ask about it. If they mention a new tv show, say you can watch it with them later that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

In your extensive experience of having, what, ONE husband? Because if it’s more than one, you are the common denominator.

Experience is the wrong choice of word.
It's the common complain from my relatives and friends.

It’s still your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, my husbnad *is* emotionally supportive. Here are a few examples of that:

1. He doesn't tell me to stop feeling the way I'm feeling when I'm angry, sad, etc.

2. If I am having a hard time, like if I'm really sick or had a failure, he genuinely feels bad for me.

3.When I share a problem with him (one that he can tell is impacting me emotionally), he will usually ask if I want a solution before offering one. If he starts going into "problem-solving mode" when that's not what I want, I tell him "I don't need advice right now, I just need to get this off my chest," he just says "okay" and gets into listening mode.

4. He asks me how I'm doing and genuinely wants to know the answer.

5. If he knows I'm having a hard time he will do little things for me, like getting me some cookies from the grocery store.

Basically I know he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and doesn't think I'm a hysterical woman for having my share of natural negative emotions. We have done marriage counseling so he wasn't born handling others' negative emotions well, but he has always valued emotional closeness with people.

My DH does all of the above and much much more, and it's not enough, not even close. These are the same things he would do for a family friend or a relative because he is a "good" person.

I cannot go into too much detail because my DH reads these, but I would say that there are several decisions about career, family planning and our intimate connection that DH and I have had discussions about, and I expressed and took certain positions based on his statements only for him to later on downplay what he said at the time when we have to put the plan in motion. His latest explanation: "I was joking when I made the original statements".

One time he waited until when we had to go through with the plan, and I said so when are we moving, and then he said it was no longer possible because of work. He never brought up at the time when the plan became impossible. He waited until it was time to carry out the plan and I had to ask him. This was concerning a discussion that we had before we got married and I expressly told him I would not marry him if he couldn't make this move. He assured me it was an easy move for him. We got married and things changed, and he never informed me.

With the most recent issue, he wouldn't say: sorry, things have changed. Let's have another discussion and see how we can work with the current situation. Nope. He said he was joking on statements that have affected plans made in the marriage. I discussed these plans with him over and over thinking he was on board until the time came to follow through, and he was no longer interested ( or was never interested, who knows).

Everyone around me thinks i have the best husband because he is very kind and caring But in many ways, this man is a jerk. It' just not visible to outsiders because we are doing well and I am an easy going person: As long as my children are happy and healthy and loved, i can adjust. And my children are all these things, and DH is an amazing father.

DH would argue that the communication issues stem from his conflict avoidant nature and anxiety. He likes to wish what he sees as problems away. It does not matter. The consequences are the same. It's an emotional roller coaster for me, being with someone who you hesitate to have an honest conversation with because you wonder if he is telling you the truth or what you want to hear. I am not feeling emotionally supported in this marriage.

I guess because I have been through a successful round of marriage counseling I see posts like these and wonder why you haven’t aggressively pursued marriage counseling. These types of issues are the type of issue that marriage counseling is best for. You don’t hate each other or want to divorce, but there are real communication problems that could benefit from sitting down with a third party and hashing things out.

Waiting until you are so frustrated you don’t want to be married anymore is the wrong time to begin marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

[Anonymous]

The phrase emotional support has no real meaning. It just conveys a vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than something tangible like abuse, addiction etc it’s simply her rationale to end the marriage in a way that’s tough to argue with even if you have examples where you have been supportive. She probably has examples where you weren’t supportive. No spouse is ever emotionally supportive 24/7. There are plenty of times where my husband is not emotionally supportive of me because he disagrees with me on an issue. He will listen but disagree. My husband is not emotionally warm and fuzzy but he is very smart and logical so he will look at an emotional problem I’m having and analyze it. Mostly he agrees but often he doesn’t but I can live with that because he’s often right.

Agree with no spouse is always supportive.

Absolutely disagree with your inferring that being emotionally supportive means agreeing on every issue. I hope you are not passing that logic down to your children and raising dysfunctional adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

+1 to the bolded. Just as bad as the people who respond to posts about sex problems in the marriage with "actually sex isn't a need."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

Do you have any evidence to back this up? Does having more people you'd call a friend mean that those are good and healthy relationships?

And since we are just making up things, I'll note that women have far more unhealthy rivalries in their lives than men, and that's because women prioritize their own emotional reactions--often driven by wild hormonal fluctuation--over how those emotions affect other people.

https://www.cnn.com/2022/11/29/health/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/28/well/family/male-friendship-loneliness.html

https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/57460/1/straight-men-no-friends-toxic-masculinity-loneliness-u-ok

https://qz.com/quartzy/1265765/ezra-klein-explains-why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship

https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend-473ce00a#

These articles often are based on the same four studies but they examine the question you asked about the quality of male friendships v. the quality of female friendships.

I know that as you read these you won't believe the facts because they don't confirm your biases, but at least this was fun for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well there are a few possibilities:

1. She is too immature to realize and accept that a DH is not necessarily a trained therapist who knows the perfect thing to say at all times

2. She wants to be with someone else and using you as a scapegoat

3. You are actually an a-hole and don’t realize it. Also, wtf is “helping” around the house

In my experience, it's almost always #3.

Men are usually a-holes. Or perhaps the term is generally more self centered.

Just observe platonic relationships between women. It's not that hard. When a woman makes a friend, she mirrors a lot of the nice things her friend does for her. If I am sick and my friend makes me a hot pot of soup, I make her hot pot of soup when she is sick. If she gets me something nice for Christmas, I get her gifts for occasions. The list goes on.


With men, they dont mirror. You have to spell everything out. They will claim they are nice and patient, but they have to be instructed on everything but the most basic acts of kindness. It gets old.

Putting aside how obnoxious it is to see "mean are usually a-holes," it is laughable that you think women have easier friendships than men. In fact, you're comparing friend relationships between women with romantic hetero relationships, which is a bad comparison. A more telling comparison would be that men have much easier friendships with other men than women have with other women. Men don't have nearly the competition and drama within friend groups.

If I wanted to stereotype like you did, I would say that it is because men tend to be more stable and rational than women and value getting along without drama. Women, more than men, tend to use their own emotional "needs" as a way to manipulate and control friends and loved ones.

Men actually tend to have far fewer friends than women. For many men, their wife is their only friend.

I don't know why I'm even saying this, anybody who puts the word "needs" in quotes like you did is not a rational, knowledgable individual and is highly unlikely be persuaded that they might be wrong.

+1 to the bolded. Just as bad as the people who respond to posts about sex problems in the marriage with "actually sex isn't a need."

Ha well that is not true. Not having emotional needs met increases the risk of heart disease, diabetes, addiction, suicide, early death all around, etc. Not having sex has no negative health consequences except blue balls. Now, if you are going to admit that men want sex to meet an *emotional* need that they believe they can't get met another way, then there is an indirect connection between sex and needs.

[Anonymous]

OP very good question. Here is my take as a married man. The best way to emotionally support your wife is to LISTEN. I am not kidding, we pretend to listen but in reality we don’t. And we don’t do it because we are a**hole or don’t care, I honestly believe it’s a quality that women have and that men don’t.

My second take is that and I could be wrong most divorces are not the result of infertility but the result of emotional neglect.

Women often justify divorce by saying that “I gave him warnings, multiple chances”. What we failed to realize as men is that women don’t bluff. They know exactly what they want and if they don’t get want they want they will blow everything up.

I will finish by saying that if most divorced men knew what it took to keep their woman emotionally happy many would still be married.

Women also behave as if they are on “borrowed time”. They have specific milestones they must achieve by certain points in time. As a result many men think that they are being given “ultimatum”. Ultimate to get engaged, then to get married, then to have children, then this, then that. As a result resentment build with us even if we don’t show it. There are many instances in my marriage I feel like I am consistently being ask to do something by xyz time. The other day I was supposed to fix something in the house but I forgot because I was so busy with work and my wife blew up in my face. She said she asked many times (which is true) but I didn’t fix it. I don’t she was being a bad person I just think that men and women think very differently.

And because gender roles today are really being challenged, women’s happiness is being prioritized (and for good reasons), men I think are confused navigating this environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP very good question. Here is my take as a married man. The best way to emotionally support your wife is to LISTEN. I am not kidding, we pretend to listen but in reality we don’t. And we don’t do it because we are a**hole or don’t care, I honestly believe it’s a quality that women have and that men don’t.

My second take is that and I could be wrong most divorces are not the result of infertility but the result of emotional neglect.

Women often justify divorce by saying that “I gave him warnings, multiple chances”. What we failed to realize as men is that women don’t bluff. They know exactly what they want and if they don’t get want they want they will blow everything up.

I will finish by saying that if most divorced men knew what it took to keep their woman emotionally happy many would still be married.

Women also behave as if they are on “borrowed time”. They have specific milestones they must achieve by certain points in time. As a result many men think that they are being given “ultimatum”. Ultimate to get engaged, then to get married, then to have children, then this, then that. As a result resentment build with us even if we don’t show it. There are many instances in my marriage I feel like I am consistently being ask to do something by xyz time. The other day I was supposed to fix something in the house but I forgot because I was so busy with work and my wife blew up in my face. She said she asked many times (which is true) but I didn’t fix it. I don’t she was being a bad person I just think that men and women think very differently.

And because gender roles today are really being challenged, women’s happiness is being prioritized (and for good reasons), men I think are confused navigating this environment.

Excellent points. Many women will not agree with your point of view I am sure. But you know what there is a reason second third and subsequent marriages end up in divorce and women are still the ones filing. It raises important questions. Namely, if after 3 strikes women are still the ones filing for divorce are men really the ones not doing their part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP very good question. Here is my take as a married man. The best way to emotionally support your wife is to LISTEN. I am not kidding, we pretend to listen but in reality we don’t. And we don’t do it because we are a**hole or don’t care, I honestly believe it’s a quality that women have and that men don’t.

My second take is that and I could be wrong most divorces are not the result of infertility but the result of emotional neglect.

Women often justify divorce by saying that “I gave him warnings, multiple chances”. What we failed to realize as men is that women don’t bluff. They know exactly what they want and if they don’t get want they want they will blow everything up.

I will finish by saying that if most divorced men knew what it took to keep their woman emotionally happy many would still be married.

Women also behave as if they are on “borrowed time”. They have specific milestones they must achieve by certain points in time. As a result many men think that they are being given “ultimatum”. Ultimate to get engaged, then to get married, then to have children, then this, then that. As a result resentment build with us even if we don’t show it. There are many instances in my marriage I feel like I am consistently being ask to do something by xyz time. The other day I was supposed to fix something in the house but I forgot because I was so busy with work and my wife blew up in my face. She said she asked many times (which is true) but I didn’t fix it. I don’t she was being a bad person I just think that men and women think very differently.

And because gender roles today are really being challenged, women’s happiness is being prioritized (and for good reasons), men I think are confused navigating this environment.

It's being prioritized more, but not prioritized above the happiness of men. It just feels like it's being prioritized more beacuse it's a new thing for men. Women are just expecting an equal level of happiness. In the past (and still now) a lot of men lived with the assumption that women would just deal with an acceptable level of unhappiness.