Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no medications nor cure for autism.

So there is really no need for the 5 alarm fire bell you are ringing. You said you took 3 months off, what were you doing then?

Ummm you know the comorbidity rate of ASD and ADHD is like 50-70%, right? You’ve heard of ADHD medication, I assume…

[Anonymous]

I think you are stressed and you want to quit to relieve the stress. But all you'll do is add to your stress because you will be then have major money stress. If you quit, how to you expect to pay for the therapies and your bills?

DH needs to understand that he can help or he can get a higher paying job and you will quit and you do the work with child and home.

What does DH say when you say you're going to quit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Mr. Money Mustache. There is valuable information on that site on how to get by on less money. The biggest is to move to a cheaper part of the country. Sell 1 car etc.

You can buy a home for under $200,000 in many parts of the US for what you pay 1.5 million in the DMV

How does it help to move to a medical care desert

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, if your DH is really so intent on being completely useless, you might be better off without him. Then you could have a lot more autonomy and reduce your expenses. SNs are really hard on a marriage and a lot of us end up divorced. It really is easier in many ways, especially if you're a good earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you want people to tell you "Yes, if you take a year off, things will be way better and you can resume your career as before". But it just doesn't work that way. These situations are unpredictable and ever-changing, and we all just have to live with it.

What will likely make things better is:

Sorting out whatever is going on in your DH's head and in your marriage-- it really seems like that's a huge part of the problem.

Accepting some childcare help-- even if that means paying a premium for a SN-experienced nanny, and taking a very hard look at yourself to see your role in the prior nanny thing not working out.

Taking a deep breath and accepting that your DC's condition may never change no matter what you do. How would you want to live if you knew it would never change?

Op here. We still have the nanny, I just meant it wasn’t the game changer I hoped it would be. She’s wonderful but it hasn’t substantially changed the realities of my life in a way that has made it feel do-able.

[Anonymous]

I'n not sure why so many people are so unkind on this thread but I can completely relate to what you are going through OP right down to the DH who tells doctors and school admin that everything is "fine."

With your salary you should be able to hire a nanny. Try White House Nannies. Our issue was that even though I was the high earner I did not make enough for a nanny or outside help. We were barely able to keep paying expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

Op Here. They are mocking me for not wanting to get into why that’s not a solution to my problems. They think if I just talk to DH, or take him to therapy, or stop doing things, or divorce him that somehow the dishes/laundry/trash/cooking will get magically get done.

We are trying to tell you that your DH is the problem. Not wanting to talk about it doesn't change that.

Op here. Yes my DH is a problem. But talking about it on here won’t change that. I’ve tried all the things (therapy, medical work up for him, dropping the rope, therapy for myself, threatening divorce, trial separation, etc.). I don’t have the power to make another human being do anything. I’ve made the decision that even if he only contributes 10%, that I’d rather have that 10% than not and in the meantime I’m not going to make myself miserable trying to find some kind of strategy or technique to get him to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, say you quit. What then? Yes, you have more time to deal with child, but how will you pay for it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you want people to tell you "Yes, if you take a year off, things will be way better and you can resume your career as before". But it just doesn't work that way. These situations are unpredictable and ever-changing, and we all just have to live with it.

What will likely make things better is:

Sorting out whatever is going on in your DH's head and in your marriage-- it really seems like that's a huge part of the problem.

Accepting some childcare help-- even if that means paying a premium for a SN-experienced nanny, and taking a very hard look at yourself to see your role in the prior nanny thing not working out.

Taking a deep breath and accepting that your DC's condition may never change no matter what you do. How would you want to live if you knew it would never change?

Op here. We still have the nanny, I just meant it wasn’t the game changer I hoped it would be. She’s wonderful but it hasn’t substantially changed the realities of my life in a way that has made it feel do-able.

I have been doing this for decades and I never have felt this situation was do-able. You do your best and the child with challenges becomes an adult with challenges. The important thing is to view it as a marathon, not a 5-year or 10-year window that requires superhuman effort. Keep your job and your nanny, ask for help from family if available, and take care of yourself. Your child will not be able to take care of you. The parents I know who were trying to do it all are burnt out and nobody benefits from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you want people to tell you "Yes, if you take a year off, things will be way better and you can resume your career as before". But it just doesn't work that way. These situations are unpredictable and ever-changing, and we all just have to live with it.

What will likely make things better is:

Sorting out whatever is going on in your DH's head and in your marriage-- it really seems like that's a huge part of the problem.

Accepting some childcare help-- even if that means paying a premium for a SN-experienced nanny, and taking a very hard look at yourself to see your role in the prior nanny thing not working out.

Taking a deep breath and accepting that your DC's condition may never change no matter what you do. How would you want to live if you knew it would never change?

Op here. We still have the nanny, I just meant it wasn’t the game changer I hoped it would be. She’s wonderful but it hasn’t substantially changed the realities of my life in a way that has made it feel do-able.

Is she a regular nanny or an experienced special needs nanny, though? The best nannies are costly but they really can handle a lot for you. Or is it that you're not allowing her to do everything that she could do? Really look at yourself and ask if you're being flexible enough to accept help. And when you do get help, are you responding by RESTING and taking care of yourself, or are you responding by taking other things onto your own plate?

There are services that do family bookkeeping, including insurance. Perhaps that's something you could outsource. Much like taxes, a professional can get this stuff done a lot faster than the average person is able to DIY.
https://www.mypersonalbookkeeper.com/the-value-of-a-personal-bookkeeper-for-all-life-stages-peace-of-mind/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

Op Here. They are mocking me for not wanting to get into why that’s not a solution to my problems. They think if I just talk to DH, or take him to therapy, or stop doing things, or divorce him that somehow the dishes/laundry/trash/cooking will get magically get done.

We are trying to tell you that your DH is the problem. Not wanting to talk about it doesn't change that.

Op here. Yes my DH is a problem. But talking about it on here won’t change that. I’ve tried all the things (therapy, medical work up for him, dropping the rope, therapy for myself, threatening divorce, trial separation, etc.). I don’t have the power to make another human being do anything. I’ve made the decision that even if he only contributes 10%, that I’d rather have that 10% than not and in the meantime I’m not going to make myself miserable trying to find some kind of strategy or technique to get him to change.

Okay, that seems reasonable. But you can’t live on his salary and can’t make him get a better job, so you cant quit either.

I hear you say the current status quo is unsustainable, but you make a lot of money in the Midwest, so you will need to hire more. Like a housekeeper/cook who handles packing everyone’s lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, grocery shopping, and does all the laundry. So all you do is parent, work, and handle insurance/therapy stuff. That’s still two full time jobs but better than the three you have now.

[Anonymous]

I would get the bookkeeping service, see what more your nanny feels she can take on (and maybe consider upgrading to a special needs trained nanny), and double up on cleaning service. A good cleaning service can run laundry while they're there, fold and put away the kid's laundry, clean out the fridge, and sweep your exterior home areas if you have one. You need to learn to appreciate your household employees, let them apply their skills and use their time well. Fairly compensated of course!

[Anonymous]

It's just really hard to help people when you won't lay out the story, OP.

I agree with a PP that this is a marathon, not a sprint. All our kids in my circle have matured and improved, but no one was cured. Kids who had little therapy didn't do that much better than with a ton of therapy, with the exception of using ABA to teach discrete skills like shoe tying or dealing with aggressive behaviors. Speech helped with language delays.

Not having enough money is a terrible idea. Your child may well depend on you for a lifetime of care.

If you want to share more of what help your child needs, people can guide you more.

[Anonymous]

OP, since you won't give any details at all, it's hard to help you. Can you even say your child's approximate age and whether the diagnosis is recent? In my experience it's really hard at first, but gets a little easier when you're settled in with service providers you like and a school and IEP that fits your child's needs. If dealing with the school is really a problem for you, that's a sign that either your school isn't very good, or it isn't the right placement for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you won't give any details at all, it's hard to help you. Can you even say your child's approximate age and whether the diagnosis is recent? In my experience it's really hard at first, but gets a little easier when you're settled in with service providers you like and a school and IEP that fits your child's needs. If dealing with the school is really a problem for you, that's a sign that either your school isn't very good, or it isn't the right placement for your child.

NP. OP can't "get settled with a school and IEP" etc if DH won't advocate for the child. It's a marathon, yes, but early intervention is critical.

Many men can't admit that they helped produce a child with SN. If therapy can't fix that, I'm not sure what will.

I believe you OP, and I'm sorry you're facing all this. Hugs.