Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I went to my employer to quit my job for exactly the same reason. Since I’m an excellent employee, they offered to let me work half time ( for half pay, of course.) I’m barely holding on at home, but it’s manageable. I take care of the kids in the morning, work for hours, pick up the younger from preschool, spend an hour with him, pick up the older and then do therapies at home or go to appointments. Between the two kids, I have five weekly appointments. They watch TV while I cook dinner. DH helps me get to bed. That’s when I relax or clean the house. It works because DH makes more money than I do, and we moved to a lower COL city. The key is that we’re still need a smaller city, so there are multiple therapists to choose from. As a bonus, we were able to buy a nicer house in a FABULOUS school zone, so DS is getting his needs met at school. It was awful to move away from all of my friends. I miss them constantly. It’s a financial hit to go half-time. We spend SO much money on health care that it takes my breath away. Unfortunately , DS had special needs, and this is what I had to do to optimize his growth. I’d do it all over again.

As for appointments, I send a letter when my mom takes DS to his out-of-state therapies. He goes a few times a year, and I don’t have the vacation to go with him. You could also had DH put you on speaker phone for 5 min at the start of the appointment.

Good luck. This is a difficult journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I went to my employer to quit my job for exactly the same reason. Since I’m an excellent employee, they offered to let me work half time ( for half pay, of course.) I’m barely holding on at home, but it’s manageable. I take care of the kids in the morning, work for hours, pick up the younger from preschool, spend an hour with him, pick up the older and then do therapies at home or go to appointments. Between the two kids, I have five weekly appointments. They watch TV while I cook dinner. DH helps me get to bed. That’s when I relax or clean the house. It works because DH makes more money than I do, and we moved to a lower COL city. The key is that we’re still need a smaller city, so there are multiple therapists to choose from. As a bonus, we were able to buy a nicer house in a FABULOUS school zone, so DS is getting his needs met at school. It was awful to move away from all of my friends. I miss them constantly. It’s a financial hit to go half-time. We spend SO much money on health care that it takes my breath away. Unfortunately , DS had special needs, and this is what I had to do to optimize his growth. I’d do it all over again.

As for appointments, I send a letter when my mom takes DS to his out-of-state therapies. He goes a few times a year, and I don’t have the vacation to go with him. You could also had DH put you on speaker phone for 5 min at the start of the appointment.

Good luck. This is a difficult journey.

I will say that my DH does not have your DH’s issues. Still, you could work full time in a LCOL area if your job was willing to let you go remote. Then you’d be able to hire out even more. I will say that finding the right school is paramount. It doesn’t matter as much for my NT son, who would thrive anywhere. My SN son benefits so much from a capable team.

[Anonymous]

Not reading whole thread. But if you are the main breadwinner, if you can make enough to hire a 40 hour a week assistant to manage as much as possible for you. Better than quitting your career and better than ending up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Do not quit OP. Being able to throw money at the problem is much better than still having the problem and not having the money and not having the problem. I make 400K. DH makes 80K. We have one kid with ADHD and one with ADHD and autism. It has been a long, difficult road. DH tried to be helpful, he really did, but he just couldn't be successful with dealing with the schools, the therapies, the pushback. I wanted to quit so many times, most of the time I felt that I was a horrible parent and a horrible employee. I am very good at what I do, so my employer was fine with me mommy -tracking and working mostly from home, I still got raises and promotions, but it was very tough for the first dozen or so years. There were times when I wanted nothing more than to just drive my car into a tree because it was all too much. But we settled into a routine, we learned to manage, the kids are thriving (more or less, we do have setbacks, but we have found routines that work for us. Things are much better now that the kids are teenagers. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are in this position OP! We didn't have the ASD diagnosis, but when I was pursuing the Dyslexia, Anxiety and ADHD diagnosis for our DD my DH was in total denial. We finally had a 3 hour heart to heart one drive to our families homes over Christmas. He finally understood where I was coming from and why he was having hang ups. Once that happened we were on the same page and it didn't feel like I was battling him and the school.

You have way too many "battles" right now. Yes, something has to give, but honestly your job shouldn't be the first to go. Your marriage doesn't sound like it's necessarily in the best of places. Money gets you out. Money makes sure you can get your kids out.

Are you able to relocate and keep your current job? I would honestly consider taking some FMLA in early 2024 to get things under control and make a solid plan that you AND your DH agree to. At the end of the day if you 2 aren't on the same page this is going to continue to be a battle if you're working or not. You need your life partner to step it up.

[Anonymous]

I wish parents wouldn’t be so quick to make assumptions on what therapy (pt, speech, not behavioral) can and can’t do for their child when they don’t know the child. Therapies look SO different for a child with ASD than a child who is medically complex say with a genetic condition, brain injury, spinal cord injury, etc. it’s completely different and the sessions have a lot more tangible results like simple improvements in motor function that can be drastic for a SN kid. This is coming from a caregiver of a medically complex child with special ed teaching experience. I can tell u many of the therapists prefer working with children with these conditions over “just” ASD, ADHD, etc.

[Anonymous]

+1 I think some parents think OT and speech only exist for their children and looks the same across the board. Blanket statements about “effectiveness” are so dumb to project into others because every child and family has different goals and some conditions are much more receptive to therapy

Anonymous wrote:I wish parents wouldn’t be so quick to make assumptions on what therapy (pt, speech, not behavioral) can and can’t do for their child when they don’t know the child. Therapies look SO different for a child with ASD than a child who is medically complex say with a genetic condition, brain injury, spinal cord injury, etc. it’s completely different and the sessions have a lot more tangible results like simple improvements in motor function that can be drastic for a SN kid. This is coming from a caregiver of a medically complex child with special ed teaching experience. I can tell u many of the therapists prefer working with children with these conditions over “just” ASD, ADHD, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DC is very young (3) and has multiple health issues going on/is medically complex/fragile. It’s not just ASD, though that may end up being one of the diagnoses.

DC has been hospitalized 3 times so far this year, including one in another state for more specialized treatment.

I know there is no cure, but I do feel like if I could quit work for a few years then I could move the needle-as in, get things to a better place.

I never should have provided the ASD example above because it caused everyone to view this through the lens of mild ASD, which is NOT the situation, that’s just one layer of a very complex picture.

A big part of why I want to do this is for me. I am miserable.

But you make 250k and your DH makes 75k. I get you want to move the needle, but you cannot afford to quit. It’s time to think about other options— tell us why hiring a nanny didn’t help, for example— but you will still be stressed at 75k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, with 325 you can hire a wife; having less money is not going to help.

Not a wife, but a "special needs mom". I quit my job because I was earning less and had less earning potential, but in my waiting room travels I met a family where the mom was a famous lawyer and her partner was (I think) an "underperforming" step parent. The nanny was an older woman who had an adult special needs son who was mostly stable in a group living situation with a job and supports. Obviously the mom still had to be there for some initial appointments/evals and things, but the nanny understood enough about what was going on that she was effective advocate for the child and liaison between the providers and the mother. I was super impressed with her...she really seemed to give it her all emotionally but also had good boundaries (like she joined in the waiting room talk but never bad mouthed her employer or the step parent).

This is extremely rare. The famous lawyer must have had contacts that landed her a nanny like this.

It's not as rare as it is expensive. You can get a SN aware nanny, and even a former RBT or SpEd teacher - they post on care dot com and sitter city. These are not unicorns, but you would need to screen carefully to make sure it's a match with your family, and then pay through the nose. Another option is an Au Pair - there are some agencies that specialize on placing slightly older au pairs with SN experience and/or OT/PT credentials from their home country.

PP here. As I recall the "contact" was one of the child's therapists who knew the "nanny's" family and that the "nanny" was now an empty nester and looking for a job. She wasn't a "special needs nanny". She was a mom who was trying to figure out what she could do having been out of the workforce for many years. I think she was babysitting off and on at the time.

Certainly it's not easy to find someone like that, but if I were looking I wouldn't go to an agency. I would ask around in my local SN community: therapists, teachers, kid friend's moms, waiting rooms, and facebook/support groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DC is very young (3) and has multiple health issues going on/is medically complex/fragile. It’s not just ASD, though that may end up being one of the diagnoses.

DC has been hospitalized 3 times so far this year, including one in another state for more specialized treatment.

I know there is no cure, but I do feel like if I could quit work for a few years then I could move the needle-as in, get things to a better place.

I never should have provided the ASD example above because it caused everyone to view this through the lens of mild ASD, which is NOT the situation, that’s just one layer of a very complex picture.

A big part of why I want to do this is for me. I am miserable.

That sounds like even more reason to want a stable financial situation for your family. From what you've described, you can't quit, and unless you have a unique job, you probably can't even go part-time. I get that you don't want to post details here, but you should talk to people you trust about potential solutions that may be more practical.