Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been through this? I’ve always been the higher earner between DH and I. But it’s just not working and I feel so stressed I can barely function.

I think I need to quit my job so I can manage my child with SN, but I don’t know how we will survive.

I have tried everything to make this work-hiring a nanny, therapy for myself and therapy for DH and i, bringing a grandparent to live closer to us to help, trying to get DH to do more.

I even took 3 months of FMLA to get things in order for my DC, but it just made me realize that getting care for DC and managing all the therapies, insurance, doc appointments, school issues, etc. is a full time job.

I feel so depressed about this but I don’t know what to do. I tried engaging DH, I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

I feel like I can’t quit my job because we desperately need the money but I can’t figure out how to keep working when my DC has such significant needs.

Just wondering if anyone can talk about their experiences with this.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get another therapist to determine if you really need to be doing all you are doing.

[Anonymous]

First things first. You need money to survive. Keep your job.

And realize you just may not be able to give your kid every therapy out there. Most people don't.

[Anonymous]

Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

How exactly did he screw it up?

What are the therapies trying to fix?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

[Anonymous]

I remember you from before. You didn't want to talk about your marriage. But it seems like your marriage and your DH's approach is the crux of the issue here.

Is your DH disorganized and unable to manage it?

Is your DH in denial, or does he fear that he'll also be diagnosed, or is he going on about "labels"?

I suppose you could try having your DH pick up more of the general household chores, to free up your time. Is that not possible?

[Anonymous]

There are no medications nor cure for autism.

So there is really no need for the 5 alarm fire bell you are ringing. You said you took 3 months off, what were you doing then?

[Anonymous]

Do not quit your job. Have your DH put you on the phone when the doctor comes in to discuss DS.

[Anonymous]

^ this

[Anonymous]

Is this a recent diagnosis?

I think perhaps you are doing too many therapies and appointments, and should cut back.

[Anonymous]

Many families have a nanny that drives the child to the weekly appts. The therapists have separate appts with the parents on a regular basis. The separate appts could be monthly or quarterly ( whatever is needed) and then you block the hr on your calendar. But during these appts is where you share what you are seeing and what you are concerned about—all the things that DH canny articulate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

Hi OP. I have seen your posts before. I’m sorry you are going through this, it sounds gut wrenching. You can write down feedback for your husband to share at these appointments. A neuropsych evaluation will go off teacher recommendations, parental forms filled out at home, and most importantly, face to face evaluation with a child. And really, this is the most important thing - a professional”s diagnosis- not the differing views that you and your husband clearly have. I wouldn’t quit my job. I’d be surprised if your therapist thinks this is a good idea. You will do what you need to do, but as an ADHD mother of an autistic and ADHD kid, I’m just not buying your husband as this helpless victim who can’t do anything. He is choosing not to. I guess he will learn the hard way when there is money stress and all the stress is on him to be the breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

If you have a serious talk with him and say "I feel I have no choice but to find a part-time job, and that will significantly decrease my income. What do you think we should cut from our budget?" he will say cut the therapies.

It seems like maybe you are doing soooooo much and he's trying to counterbalance you by disengaging. He thinks you're doing too much but he knows it will trigger a fight if he says that out loud.

I don't understand why hiring a nanny did not help. It's okay to have the nanny do a lot of the appointments. What went wrong?

If you're having so many school issues that it's super time-consuming, perhaps the school is not the right fit for your child.

[Anonymous]

Move to a cheaper part of the country so that you can get by on partner's income.