Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I did not quit, but I went PT. However, I was able to do this because DH's income was more than enough for us to manage, we had low living costs, and I was able to snag one of the few PT professional jobs in my field. I've been PT now for 8 years, and am going back FT in a few months. DS is in a good place and it's time.

It made things easier in the sense that I could get to therapies and we could do a lot with DS that you can't do when you're working Ft.

However, it sounds like you are the breadwinner, so taking you down to PT or not working, is probably not financially feasible.

Are you talking about going from $300k in income a year to $150? or are we talking about going from $150 to $75?

Op here. I’m trying to go PT and I agree that would be the ideal scenario, but like you said those jobs can be very hard to find. I’ve been looking for over a year for a job like that.

If I quit we’d go from $325k to $75k, so it would not really be livable for our family.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is encourage DH to find a better paying job. I think he could make $150k.

We actually did leave DC and now live in the Midwest where it is cheaper, but costs have gone up pretty dramatically where we live and unfortunately job options are more limited because it’s a 2nd/3rd tier city.

[Anonymous]

One issue is that the more you try to highlight all of DCs challenges, the more DH will focus on his strengths and positive attributes to balance out the conversation. The goal isn't to make you child seem as terrible as possible to get as many diagnoses and services as you can.

You sound like you are overdoing it for sure. You are an overachiever and trying to do way more than is necessary. Your belief that no one else can do what you do and you are the only one who can do this right is problematic. You need to start working with people (your DH, parents, nannies) instead of against them. It isn't you against the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

Ok but it's hard to be helpful if you won't tell anyone anything. So your child has a condition that's very time-consuming, and your DH also has some sort of mystery impairment that renders him useless to help in any way. Oke doke. FYI people here are not that sympathetic to slacking DHs, nor to in-denial DHs, nor to diagnosis-resisting DHs. People may tell you to reach a place of acceptance with your DH, but they're not going to stop telling you that he's a big part of the problem.

The time period or age depends on your child's development and your circumstances in general. For me, it was easier when my child started Kindergarten and became entitled to the accomodations and services provided in the public school system. (We are not in an area with free preschool). Not sure what age that would happen for your child where you live. Because then I didn't have to do, for example, private speech therapy because it was handled at school. And my DC was in a self-contained classroom and I had no fear of expulsion-- in private preschool I was constantly afraid of expulsion. It got easier in some ways as my DC grew older and achieved milestones like potty training, being dry all night, etc. But other things in life got harder-- my parents aged, my DC struggled more in puberty, etc. It just depends.

I don't know what you mean by "move the needle". Honestly it sounds like you hope that if you work hard enough you can fix or cure your DC. And I would suggest you need to disengage from that hope and accept your DC as they are. Or you're in a bargaining phase of like "If I quit work for 2 years, I'll get X outcome in return". And I'm here to tell you it just doesn't work that way.

If things are really as bad as you describe, then your DC may not be self-supporting as an adult. So you need to see a financial planner and discuss special needs trusts etc. before you even consider quitting your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

Nobody can tell you this if you don’t explain more about your child’s condition and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

For me, it was the second SN child that pushed us over the edge. It was after they were hospitalized for the third time in an 8 month period. Our finances were different though. DH made 50% more than me and we started out our marriage by saving my entire take home salary and 15% of his, so the financial transition was minimal plus we had saved an excellent nest egg and we are both naturally tightwads. DH and I have mostly been on the same page for our children’s therapies and treatments.

Our older has ASD and our younger has multiple severe LDs and other issues. Both were identified as 2E when that became a thing - which actually complicated things. Frankly, it has been a much easier ride with the ASD child. It is a long slow slog raising children with SN. You need to pace yourself. You cannot try to fix everything at once. You need to triage and work on one or two things at a time.

It’s hard to go back once you quit. Of my friendship circle, I would say less than half went back to work even though all of us intended when we initially quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Op here. Thank you!!!!!!!! This is so validating. I’m not wanting to come here and convince people that I’m struggling or why. Thank you for believing me. My job is entirely in person with no remote work allowed, for example, and that is part of what is making life feel impossible. I am so worn down. I’m sure there are women out there who manage, but I am not managing, for awhile I was surviving but now I can’t even say that. I’m utterly miserable and my family life feels like a disaster.

So sorry OP. I think taking some time to get things under control and transition to a new more flexible job makes sense. I think you need to put your job first in that you need to figure out how to position yourself best to find a “mommy track” job. What about government? Or a lateral move if you already work in a SCIF or something.

[Anonymous]

Some DCs have degenerative conditions that get worse with time. Some slowly mature. Some stay about the same. Some seem to improve but then hit the wall with puberty. Sometimes another condition emerges that was unknown before.

Sometimes you have a great care provider or schoolteacher, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes your great person moves away or your program closes. Sometimes you get an appropriate school placement, some years you don't. It really just depends. That is why you're not going to get very helpful advice from such a general question.

For the school stuff, have you considered hiring an advocate? That could take some of the load off your plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Op here. Thank you!!!!!!!! This is so validating. I’m not wanting to come here and convince people that I’m struggling or why. Thank you for believing me. My job is entirely in person with no remote work allowed, for example, and that is part of what is making life feel impossible. I am so worn down. I’m sure there are women out there who manage, but I am not managing, for awhile I was surviving but now I can’t even say that. I’m utterly miserable and my family life feels like a disaster.

So sorry OP. I think taking some time to get things under control and transition to a new more flexible job makes sense. I think you need to put your job first in that you need to figure out how to position yourself best to find a “mommy track” job. What about government? Or a lateral move if you already work in a SCIF or something.

I don't really grasp why a 3-month leave didn't get things more "under control". If 3 months didn't help, why would more time off make a difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I did not quit, but I went PT. However, I was able to do this because DH's income was more than enough for us to manage, we had low living costs, and I was able to snag one of the few PT professional jobs in my field. I've been PT now for 8 years, and am going back FT in a few months. DS is in a good place and it's time.

It made things easier in the sense that I could get to therapies and we could do a lot with DS that you can't do when you're working Ft.

However, it sounds like you are the breadwinner, so taking you down to PT or not working, is probably not financially feasible.

Are you talking about going from $300k in income a year to $150? or are we talking about going from $150 to $75?

Op here. I’m trying to go PT and I agree that would be the ideal scenario, but like you said those jobs can be very hard to find. I’ve been looking for over a year for a job like that.

If I quit we’d go from $325k to $75k, so it would not really be livable for our family.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is encourage DH to find a better paying job. I think he could make $150k.

We actually did leave DC and now live in the Midwest where it is cheaper, but costs have gone up pretty dramatically where we live and unfortunately job options are more limited because it’s a 2nd/3rd tier city.

Hmm. Get a fed job. Move to MoCo in a cheap apartment. Avail yourself of the relatively better SN services in MoCo as well as better servie providers. Wider range of self-contained programs, busing. If on the way you get rid of the DH all the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

Op Here. They are mocking me for not wanting to get into why that’s not a solution to my problems. They think if I just talk to DH, or take him to therapy, or stop doing things, or divorce him that somehow the dishes/laundry/trash/cooking will get magically get done.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you want people to tell you "Yes, if you take a year off, things will be way better and you can resume your career as before". But it just doesn't work that way. These situations are unpredictable and ever-changing, and we all just have to live with it.

What will likely make things better is:

Sorting out whatever is going on in your DH's head and in your marriage-- it really seems like that's a huge part of the problem.

Accepting some childcare help-- even if that means paying a premium for a SN-experienced nanny, and taking a very hard look at yourself to see your role in the prior nanny thing not working out.

Taking a deep breath and accepting that your DC's condition may never change no matter what you do. How would you want to live if you knew it would never change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

Op Here. They are mocking me for not wanting to get into why that’s not a solution to my problems. They think if I just talk to DH, or take him to therapy, or stop doing things, or divorce him that somehow the dishes/laundry/trash/cooking will get magically get done.

We are trying to tell you that your DH is the problem. Not wanting to talk about it doesn't change that.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you leave your 250k job, there is zero guarantee that you can get back to it on the timetable you want to. And that may compound your stress. I know you are overwhelmed, but quitting your job doesn’t seem like the right answer. Also, your husband could make a salary jump, but he is not going to jump from 75k to 150K in one move like you desire.

I think you’ve received good advice and good inquiring questions on this thread. There are other aspects of your current situation that you might explore, if you are willing to adjust your mindset about them.