Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child
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Anonymous
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what are the actual needed therapies start there
yes it can be hard to get those setup but once you do it take a while to go and then evaluate how it is going your stress feeds your impatience which is an undercurrent that your kid picks up on and feeds the behaviors be honest with yourself deep down do you hope to “therapy”out the diagnosis? For the IEP hire someone to assist you on this Setup the most needed services and then let go for a while and I have been there and no we never secured the ASD diagnosis bc it was too borderline. We said plenty of great things about our kid but their behaviors, teacher observations, and testing revealed deficits. |
Anonymous
| This was posted before. |
Anonymous
This is extremely rare. The famous lawyer must have had contacts that landed her a nanny like this. |
Anonymous
It's not as rare as it is expensive. You can get a SN aware nanny, and even a former RBT or SpEd teacher - they post on care dot com and sitter city. These are not unicorns, but you would need to screen carefully to make sure it's a match with your family, and then pay through the nose. Another option is an Au Pair - there are some agencies that specialize on placing slightly older au pairs with SN experience and/or OT/PT credentials from their home country. |
Anonymous
They diagnose now as early as 18 months, and ADOS is a robust test. If OP's DH messed up the questionnaires she can re-do them, but they are secondary. I think she is overthinking this by several degrees. Just go and do the testing, don't "make a case". |
Anonymous
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Back to original Q: I am 9 months into a “gap year” that we financially planned for. It has been amazing. I have the patience and persistence and focus needed to be a better SN mom. It rocks.
It’s not sustainable long term but given how frickin amazing it’s been, I will absolutely only do a part time job, we will make it work. I am much more proud of the job I’m doing as a mom in this last year. I wish this could last and I wish every SN parent who wanted/needed it could have the break. |
Anonymous
This OP. If you can't rely on him for basic household or caretaking tasks why would you put all of your survival needs and ability to feed your kid in that basket. That is where I think your own unmanaged anxiety is impacting your thinking skills. And getting back in is almost NEVER where you left and you may need that money for a SN trust. Stop with the focus on the DH, consider him SN too and organize help and systems accordingly. If you feel overwhelmed, also be screened for ADD and executive functioning. Hang in there. As a SN mom the marathon lasts our whole lives, you need to pace yourself and maximize financial resources in case your child is not fully self supporting one day. |
Anonymous
This. My friend moved to NYC from Colorado where she and her family were very happy because one of her DCs needs lot of therapies and services. They can afford a lot less in New York and miss their outdoorsy lifestyle, however the DC is thriving, so they will stay put. |
Anonymous
Do you know the names of these au pair agencies? |
Anonymous
Most “therapies” either don’t really work or are things you can do organically at home. Your (understandable) anxiety is running you ragged. Try to chill and realize that, drop the therapies, do it at home and enjoy your family time more. |
Anonymous
This. There's no "fixing" ASD. You can medicate ADHD. So adding an ASD label when you have the other DXes won't add much, unless you want ABA. And with that, an adult just needs to be in the house. A nanny is fine. |
Anonymous
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Op here. DC is very young (3) and has multiple health issues going on/is medically complex/fragile. It’s not just ASD, though that may end up being one of the diagnoses.
DC has been hospitalized 3 times so far this year, including one in another state for more specialized treatment. I know there is no cure, but I do feel like if I could quit work for a few years then I could move the needle-as in, get things to a better place. I never should have provided the ASD example above because it caused everyone to view this through the lens of mild ASD, which is NOT the situation, that’s just one layer of a very complex picture. A big part of why I want to do this is for me. I am miserable. |
Anonymous
Well it's hard for people to help you if you won't tell them what's going on until 100 posts in to the thread. Have you reached out to online groups that have parents whose kids have similar issues? That was the biggest help I have ever found... other parents. You want us to tell you that it is OK to quit your job, and we can't. You need money and great health insurance. I would triage and prioritize. Medical needs first and foremost. All the other issues can be handled later. You have been in a flurry already, moving grandparents, hiring nannies, taking FMLA. Slow down. |
Anonymous
Time to gut up. You don’t have the option to quit your job given your financial situation. As people have said on this thread on others, find the options that will provide some stress relief (e.g. weekly cleaning, weekly therapy, a nanny that does food prep, etc.). Many of us are in situations that look/feel untenable. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. |
Anonymous
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OP, people are being pretty tough on you, especially considering that this is the Special Needs forum. I totally get what you're saying about your DH. My DS is autistic and when he was diagnosed we realized that DH has it to. That's not at all uncommon.
DH was completely incapable of doing things such as you describe. I never could have counted on him to take the lead on any of DS's needs. He would do basic things around the house such as garbage and gradually started taking on cooking and groceries when I was working full time (luckily for myself, at home) and also homeschooling DS and taking him to therapies 3 mornings a week. He still did a completely mediocre job at that. He has a job that he feels comfortable with and has made a hobby into a side income, but he still makes far less than is typical for the area and especially for someone with his degrees. I handled 90% of household and kids and also worked. The trick for me was working for myself so my job was super flexible. When I tried to work in my field for someone else, it was too much. I'm putting all of this in the past tense because both kids are in college now. I left DH when I just couldn't take it anymore (he left us a few times because the kids were just too noisy, difficult, in his way of concentrating on his obsessions) and finally I pretty much called his bluff. He's a MUCH better father and co-parent now that the kids need so much less (DD had developmental delays and needed a lot of therapy, now she has anxiety and ADHD and is in talk therapy and on meds). I do most of the emotional stuff, probably all actually but I don't know about every conversation. He handles coordinating with them for their meds refills and will actually help with transporting them. He has them now at his parents' for Thanksgiving and didn't feel the need to consult with me at all about the trip. I assume they have clothes and their meds and such, but that's mostly because they're, you know, grown adults who live independently the rest of the time. I would certainly remind them each about their meds as those have been almost forgotten in the past. Hopefully he checked on that. Anyway, to your main point, I feel you. Don't quit your job though. Outsource everything else to someone who is functional. Treat your DH as you would anyone with a disability (not saying he has one, just saying this is a good approach) -- figure out what he CAN do without screwing it up or driving you crazy and have him take the lead on that. Outsource everything else that can be outsourced and then just do the remaining. I know that's still too much, but hang in there. It will get better. I know someone who had a neighbor who needed extra $ come by once a day and just spend an hour emptying the dishwasher, starting a load of laundry, doing the dishes from the night before, and taking the laundry out of the dryer and putting it away. It made a world of difference for my friend at a minimal cost. And I had to laugh when someone suggested you write down your concerns and have DH share them with the doctor at the meeting. My DH never would have remembered to do that no matter how much work I put into writing down everything! However, I would think you could email the doctor/therapist in advance and handle the communication that way. I do think that DH might be defensive because either he sees himself in your son and doesn't want a diagnosis or disability himself or else he doesn't want to see that he has a kid who has needs. Good for you for doing therapy WITH DH. I asked for that several times and my DH refused. It definitely would have helped so keep going with that, even if it's just once a month and virtual or something. Just keeping a line of communication open about your own relationship will help. Best of luck to you. I agree with the others not to quit your job, for your own sake if no one else's, but feel free to outsource absolutely everything you can. I mean everything! |