Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Read Mr. Money Mustache. There is valuable information on that site on how to get by on less money. The biggest is to move to a cheaper part of the country. Sell 1 car etc.

You can buy a home for under $200,000 in many parts of the US for what you pay 1.5 million in the DMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

Is there more to it than your DH not doing what he needs to do/you want him to do at appointments? If it is that alone, it should be manageable for you to go, even remotely to join. Nothing to quit a job over.

Is there something about the actual *care* for your child that takes time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Mr. Money Mustache. There is valuable information on that site on how to get by on less money. The biggest is to move to a cheaper part of the country. Sell 1 car etc.

You can buy a home for under $200,000 in many parts of the US for what you pay 1.5 million in the DMV

I don’t think this is true anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Mr. Money Mustache. There is valuable information on that site on how to get by on less money. The biggest is to move to a cheaper part of the country. Sell 1 car etc.

You can buy a home for under $200,000 in many parts of the US for what you pay 1.5 million in the DMV

I don’t think this is true anymore.

Agreed. Even in rural VA and WV that's hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

What are the challenges that you see that your DH does not? What does the school see? What else is going on, since it appears your child already has an IEP?

Most of my friendship/acquaintance circle both parents work, but at least one has a more flexible option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

Phone in to appointments you can not attend. Make sure you get all the info in.

[Anonymous]

How much money do each of you make? If you make 200k and he makes 60k, you can’t quit. But if you make 400k and he makes 180k, that is a salary you could live on (even if DCUM would tell you that you can’t).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us more about this: I tried turning it all over to him, but he really screwed things up for DC in a way that we are still trying to correct.

Op here. DH is unable to talk about the challenges we have with our child. So when he goes to doctors appointments with DC, instead of describing the problems, he talks about how great DC is.

As a result, when trying to get diagnoses or insurance coverage or support from school in the IEP, I’m battling all this documentation that says DC is GREAT and there are no problems. So for example, when making the case for an ASD diagnosis, the docs are confused because DH has been saying DC is fine at all the appointments.

This has created massive delays in getting medication, diagnosis, therapies, etc.

Totally respectfully, this doesn’t make a ton of sense. Wouldn’t you have been there for the evaluation and IEP meetings? You can keep your job and still focus on those important events which happen infrequently. The ASD diagnostic process involves structured interviews of parents and objective observations of the child, so unless your DH was lying, I don’t see how he could have changed things.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, I'm sorry that you're struggling, but I agree this doesn't totally add up for me. You're not answering the questions of people who are trying to help you.

What happened with the nanny?

Why is the school stuff so time-consuming?

Can your DH do other family chores and tasks to free you up for parenting?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Mr. Money Mustache. There is valuable information on that site on how to get by on less money. The biggest is to move to a cheaper part of the country. Sell 1 car etc.

You can buy a home for under $200,000 in many parts of the US for what you pay 1.5 million in the DMV

Except that a cheaper part of the country may not have access to service providers that their child needs, or their insurance doesn't cover the one provider that's in a 40 mile radius.

Moving is not realistic for most people.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I did not quit, but I went PT. However, I was able to do this because DH's income was more than enough for us to manage, we had low living costs, and I was able to snag one of the few PT professional jobs in my field. I've been PT now for 8 years, and am going back FT in a few months. DS is in a good place and it's time.

It made things easier in the sense that I could get to therapies and we could do a lot with DS that you can't do when you're working Ft.

However, it sounds like you are the breadwinner, so taking you down to PT or not working, is probably not financially feasible.

Are you talking about going from $300k in income a year to $150? or are we talking about going from $150 to $75?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Op here. Thank you!!!!!!!! This is so validating. I’m not wanting to come here and convince people that I’m struggling or why. Thank you for believing me. My job is entirely in person with no remote work allowed, for example, and that is part of what is making life feel impossible. I am so worn down. I’m sure there are women out there who manage, but I am not managing, for awhile I was surviving but now I can’t even say that. I’m utterly miserable and my family life feels like a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Without more details, there's nothing we can say that would be useful. I quit to stay home with a SN child. But my husband and I are both lawyers so we could survive well on one income. No one can tell you if you can afford it without a lot more details. Also need details on all these therapies and doctor appointments in order to advise. Otherwise, the answer is do the math yourself.