Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you won't give any details at all, it's hard to help you. Can you even say your child's approximate age and whether the diagnosis is recent? In my experience it's really hard at first, but gets a little easier when you're settled in with service providers you like and a school and IEP that fits your child's needs. If dealing with the school is really a problem for you, that's a sign that either your school isn't very good, or it isn't the right placement for your child.

NP. OP can't "get settled with a school and IEP" etc if DH won't advocate for the child. It's a marathon, yes, but early intervention is critical.

Many men can't admit that they helped produce a child with SN. If therapy can't fix that, I'm not sure what will.

I believe you OP, and I'm sorry you're facing all this. Hugs.

She can if she does the advocacy and the DH merely consents. And since he seems like an avoidant personality, he probably will.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read every comment but please don’t quit job. I am unable to work due to illness. DH undiagnosed asd , son diagnosed. DH pulls the exact same garbage… lots of ‘nothing to see here!’ ‘Everything is fiiiiinnne’ when we see therapists doctors etc. it’s not fine, it’s a hot mess. Many providers seem completely used to the undiagnosed spouse strongly disagreeing with the wife. The thing is when teachers and therapists are same behaviors that kinda helps you out. Please don’t quit your job. I am completely dependent on DH for money, which he likes to restrict from time to time as a power play. It is really no way to live. If your spouse might have a similar asd tendency you do NOT want to rely on that person for your livelihood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I did not quit, but I went PT. However, I was able to do this because DH's income was more than enough for us to manage, we had low living costs, and I was able to snag one of the few PT professional jobs in my field. I've been PT now for 8 years, and am going back FT in a few months. DS is in a good place and it's time.

It made things easier in the sense that I could get to therapies and we could do a lot with DS that you can't do when you're working Ft.

However, it sounds like you are the breadwinner, so taking you down to PT or not working, is probably not financially feasible.

Are you talking about going from $300k in income a year to $150? or are we talking about going from $150 to $75?

Op here. I’m trying to go PT and I agree that would be the ideal scenario, but like you said those jobs can be very hard to find. I’ve been looking for over a year for a job like that.

If I quit we’d go from $325k to $75k, so it would not really be livable for our family.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is encourage DH to find a better paying job. I think he could make $150k.

We actually did leave DC and now live in the Midwest where it is cheaper, but costs have gone up pretty dramatically where we live and unfortunately job options are more limited because it’s a 2nd/3rd tier city.

OP I posted on your other thread. Have you asked about the possibility of doing your current job part time? You would not think my job could be a part time one but I and several other women have asked for reduced loads and 75-80% pay for a period of years (1-10ish depending on needs). It’s structured differently for different people (one person takes a day off each week, some people work 6 hours per day, things like that). I asked first and I think they knew I was about to quit so they said yes. It worked well and several other people have had it work well. If you are a proven person it is a big advantage compared to going after jobs listed as PT (which are nonexistent in my field)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Maybe OP's low-earning DH can do the cooking/cleaning! Oh wait we're not allowed to talk about that completely obvious solution.

PP here. If her DH is anything like mine he doesn’t do cooking or cleaning …

Op Here. They are mocking me for not wanting to get into why that’s not a solution to my problems. They think if I just talk to DH, or take him to therapy, or stop doing things, or divorce him that somehow the dishes/laundry/trash/cooking will get magically get done.

We are trying to tell you that your DH is the problem. Not wanting to talk about it doesn't change that.

Op here. Yes my DH is a problem. But talking about it on here won’t change that. I’ve tried all the things (therapy, medical work up for him, dropping the rope, therapy for myself, threatening divorce, trial separation, etc.). I don’t have the power to make another human being do anything. I’ve made the decision that even if he only contributes 10%, that I’d rather have that 10% than not and in the meantime I’m not going to make myself miserable trying to find some kind of strategy or technique to get him to change.

I did absolutely everything when my kid was young despite a demanding job and two other kids. But as my kids got older, turns out spouse was really pretty great - just not so much with little kids. Still can’t take care of the medical stuff. But by now I don’t give that a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Your post sounds familiar, I think I replied to a different thread before. Simplify your life. Maybe that’s buying prepared food for a while to throw in the oven and eating on paper plates so there are no dishes. Groceries can be delivered. Do what you need to get by when it’s too stressful.

I need to work but changed jobs and positions a few times over the years to have less responsibility and find a supportive work place. My hours aren’t flexible but my coworkers and supervisors are extremely understanding and supportive. I no longer manage anyone, which is huge.

It took years but we found weekly therapy appointments that take place in the evenings. It’s exhausting but keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post sounds familiar, I think I replied to a different thread before. Simplify your life. Maybe that’s buying prepared food for a while to throw in the oven and eating on paper plates so there are no dishes. Groceries can be delivered. Do what you need to get by when it’s too stressful.

I need to work but changed jobs and positions a few times over the years to have less responsibility and find a supportive work place. My hours aren’t flexible but my coworkers and supervisors are extremely understanding and supportive. I no longer manage anyone, which is huge.

It took years but we found weekly therapy appointments that take place in the evenings. It’s exhausting but keep looking.

+1 quitting is a bad idea but spending lots of money making other stuff easier is a better one.

I’m sorry your kid is so hard. In time, he may become easier.

[Anonymous]

Being financially stable and having money matter more than therapy for your kid’s outcome. Might be different for a medically fragile/complex child, but for ASD, I feel confident about this. Have a young adult and can see how the need for money continues. Keep the job (or get another one), cut back on the therapies, and realize that your spouse saying everything is great makes a negligible difference either way. Parent input just doesn’t count for that much. It will get easier.

[Anonymous]

I hate these threads where people won't even share their child's age or general behavioral/medical situation. It is basically impossible to give any sort of advice.

You make a lot of $$. Even in the DMV you could hire out almost everything, if you were willing to live in a smaller house. You said a nanny was not a gamechanger--does this mean your kid is old enough and independent enough to not need one? Or is your kid independent enough to be in a mainstream daycare?

Rather than a nanny, I'd hire a full time housekeeper who will make meals and then focus on tutors/therapists for whatever it is you are trying to address with your kid/s. A special needs au pair (this is a thing), along with the housekeeper, is another option, especially for a school age kid.

You mentioned ASD. This is not something you will fix ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being financially stable and having money matter more than therapy for your kid’s outcome. Might be different for a medically fragile/complex child, but for ASD, I feel confident about this. Have a young adult and can see how the need for money continues. Keep the job (or get another one), cut back on the therapies, and realize that your spouse saying everything is great makes a negligible difference either way. Parent input just doesn’t count for that much. It will get easier.

DP. I agree with this. Unless it’s a medical issue, so many things are not make it or break it. Having to postpone things likely doesn’t matter in the long run. And, having a spouse who downplayed my kid’s needs had minimal if any impact on what my kid received. It just added extra steps, for which reason I took care of kid medical and educational stuff.

Now with a young adult who likely isn’t ever leaving home, I’m thankful for money and a good relationship with my spouse. Life would be long without another adult to enjoy life and share the never ending responsibilities with. And so many of the goals we worked on have no impact whatsoever on what life looks like today. It wouldn’t matter if those skills were never acquired.

It’s a long game when you have a kid with high needs and you have to think about what you want your life to look like in 20 years and do what it takes to get there.

[Anonymous]

If you keep your job you could end up with 100k in savings a year. Think about over the next 20 years that is going to be well over 2 million dollars if you invest wisely. Think about how helpful that money could be to your child as an adult. They would have a paid off house.

So many therapies don’t use the best research validating they actually do anything. Studies show kids don’t do better in special Ed, often they have worse outcomes. Maybe you don’t need to fight so hard.

If your husband thinks your child is fine maybe you are boroiwing trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is dealing with severe behaviors at home & school on top of a demanding job - that can indeed start to seem impossible especially if the coparent is really dropping the ball. If OP is using significant time during the day to deal with school, insurance, therapists, then comes home to ALSO have to do most of the cooking/cleaning WHILE dealing with a tantruming rigid kid … then that could be completely overwhelming if she also has a difficult job. I’ve been in varieties of that scenario and really only get by because my job is 100% remote and flexible and takes less than 40hrs/week. if OP’s job is at all demanding it could seem impossible.

Op here. Thank you!!!!!!!! This is so validating. I’m not wanting to come here and convince people that I’m struggling or why. Thank you for believing me. My job is entirely in person with no remote work allowed, for example, and that is part of what is making life feel impossible. I am so worn down. I’m sure there are women out there who manage, but I am not managing, for awhile I was surviving but now I can’t even say that. I’m utterly miserable and my family life feels like a disaster.

I’m sorry op. I’m not dealing with special needs but my dh was military and often gone and we were moving every one or two years. I worked very part-time (like 0 to 5 hours a week) when the kids were small. I ramped back up to 10 to 20 hrs when they were early elementary, then “full-time” but 32 hours in late elementary, and am going back to standard 40 hours now that they are in middle school. Plus dh retired so we’re not moving anymore, which was so disruptive to our lives.

32 hours a week is a bit of a sweet spot. It’s full-time for benefits, but you get either a free day, or a short work day all week. I work remotely and manage my own time, so my schedule is very flexible. Sounds like you’re in an office, so 32 hours being 4 days a week would probably be the more realistic version for you. Is there any chance your current employer would go for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not interested in posting every detail of my child’s diagnoses, marriage, etc.

Can anyone talk about quitting their job because you did not feel it was possible to work while having a kid with SN? Was there a time period or age when it felt more manageable? Did you try, for example, taking 2-3 years off and did it move the needle? Did going back feel manageable after taking a break?

I did not quit, but I went PT. However, I was able to do this because DH's income was more than enough for us to manage, we had low living costs, and I was able to snag one of the few PT professional jobs in my field. I've been PT now for 8 years, and am going back FT in a few months. DS is in a good place and it's time.

It made things easier in the sense that I could get to therapies and we could do a lot with DS that you can't do when you're working Ft.

However, it sounds like you are the breadwinner, so taking you down to PT or not working, is probably not financially feasible.

Are you talking about going from $300k in income a year to $150? or are we talking about going from $150 to $75?

Op here. I’m trying to go PT and I agree that would be the ideal scenario, but like you said those jobs can be very hard to find. I’ve been looking for over a year for a job like that.

If I quit we’d go from $325k to $75k, so it would not really be livable for our family.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is encourage DH to find a better paying job. I think he could make $150k.

We actually did leave DC and now live in the Midwest where it is cheaper, but costs have gone up pretty dramatically where we live and unfortunately job options are more limited because it’s a 2nd/3rd tier city.

OP I posted on your other thread. Have you asked about the possibility of doing your current job part time? You would not think my job could be a part time one but I and several other women have asked for reduced loads and 75-80% pay for a period of years (1-10ish depending on needs). It’s structured differently for different people (one person takes a day off each week, some people work 6 hours per day, things like that). I asked first and I think they knew I was about to quit so they said yes. It worked well and several other people have had it work well. If you are a proven person it is a big advantage compared to going after jobs listed as PT (which are nonexistent in my field)

Agree with this. No one will list a PT job. But a lot of places will let an existing employee ramp down, especially someone who’s been around a while and knows what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, with 325 you can hire a wife; having less money is not going to help.

[Anonymous]

I work part time in the office and part time remote. It would be really tough without the work at home. Would look for that set up or consulting if possible

[Anonymous]

Op if your kid has long term needs the most helpful thing will be money. Keep your job. Hire more help. Find a quasi ABA person or train them. You have to get resourceful.