Anyone's teen DD's (esp. 16 and up) just not interested in dating?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
So clearly she's different from her friends. I'm not understanding why that's a problem? Unless she wants to date and can't. Kids have different social and sexual needs and that's not bad. |
Anonymous
 Yes, because teen boys totally want their mommies navigating their romantic relationships. Time to land that helicopter!
|
Anonymous
|
I have a lot of thoughts on this. I'm someone who was like this at your daughters age. I went on a few dates in high school because I got set up by friends, and because I think I felt like I was supposed to date. The only sort of relationship I had I completely ghosted the boy (luckily from another school) because I did not want what he did, and because I was overwhelmed by his enthusiasm that wasn't shared LOL.
I'm perfectly normal and started dating like gangbusters in college. I'd be worried if my kids was one of these in college not dating at all (some of these comments state that) but at 16, not at all. Now, I have a 15 year old and her and her friends are constantly in the dating loop, or "talking" loop, with boys. And yes its so much drama, all of the time. Its tiresome. I suspect they kind of enjoy that part (dopamine hit?). However, mine didn't start any of this until high school, even though many of her peers were doing this in middle school. What I noticed was that the first relationship often takes a long time to happen, and then once it does, they end up dating people pretty consistently after that. I think that anything one does for the first time is intimidating, and then once they don't have so much anxiety about going on a date, or kissing or whatever, its a lot easier to keep doing it. My daughter always had crushes, never told me about them until much later, and I think had a lot of anxiety and self doubt about boys. I also think that dating was more common when we were young because we had to do everything in person, and couldn't get our dopamine hits/ego boosts on a phone like these kids. I also think that for poised, mature girls, they don't want boys their own age. It used to be pretty common for girls I knew at age 15 to date seniors (who, lets face it, are probably more on par maturity wise), and it was accepted. Now, I hear a lot about a stigma to dating anyone more than a grade up or down from you, so this doesn't really happen so much, so the pool of interesting guys is a lot smaller. I will add for the record, that I was pro high school dating until about a week ago, when my daughters very positive 6 month stint boyfriend broke her heart into a million pieces, and now I'm seeing the fall out and having some regrets about not reigning this more. Teen boys are super immature. These intense relationships at this age are heartbreaking, I would prefer to see more casual dating happen. It was hard to watch. |
Anonymous
A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it. |
Anonymous
Oh lord. This is weird. So, no prom or homecomings, either? |
Anonymous
So she's so booked up you're "100000%" confident there is no time for dating, and you're wondering why she isn't dating??? This seems pretty self-evident. |
Anonymous
I was the valedictorian of my hs class & a varsity athlete. I had a steady boyfriend for a couple of years, and also dated (and yes, pined after) other boys throughout high school. Did dating occupy too much of my time? Maybe. But otherwise, I would have found something else to occupy my time. I was not studying or practicing all my waking hours. |
Anonymous
But not allowing your son to date until college is totally normal and hands-off? |
Anonymous
Unless the teen is so socially stunted that she never leaves the house you have no idea if you daughter hooks up with boys. When women like you (you've got to be a woman) writes something so out of touch with reality I wonder where’s she’s from. What gives you the idea that teens who are enrolled in AP classes are without normal sexual development. The range of having a first boyfriend ranges from middle school until college age but in no way is it related to grades. True, some high schoolers can’t have much of a social life because he or she needs more than the usual amount of hours needed to do well. But that in no way stunts social growth. |
Anonymous
I don’t understand how someone could even write the previous post without embarrassment |
Anonymous
SnapChat. Lord, are you 80? |
Anonymous
NP: I'm STUNNED that several of you think the idea of "being around to help a 14 or 16 yr old navigate their first relationship" is somehow a crazed helicopter parent that will make their child miserable. As both a licensed social worker and as a parent of 3 kids who are now past their teens, there is NO QUESTION that being available to check in with them, ask how things are going, and when any of them seemed REALLY DOWN being a sounding board for them for whatever was going on in the relationship was, by their own description now, a "life-saver". It is NOT about dictating what should happen or digging for every detail. It's about offering perspective or asking questions that help them maybe see a situation differently and view it from many angles so they can make a more informed or thoughtful choice about what they want to do. With my 1st girl when she was about 15 she was boy crazy & so were most of her friends. I didn't freak out about that, but I just tried to show that I'd be available to talk if she wanted to, and also that I cared that she felt good about the relationship. The first guy she really liked who asked her out, the first time she showed me a video of his, I said "That guy is a player" and she got very upset with me. We told her it was her choice if she dated him, she did, and later she found out he was still "talking to" his ex, and 2 other young ladies. I didn't say "I told you so!" (though had to fight back from saying it), instead I asked her what signs she felt like she saw but ignored because she liked him so much, and she really thought about it and told me some big signs she now realizes she ignored. When she visibly really sad & tired & didn't seem herself, I can't imagine not having noticed it, checked in, and offering her some ideas or other views of her situation & then supported her in whatever choice she made. My DS in the middle started "dating" at 14 because there was a lot of pressure from other guys at his high school to ask (mostly girls) out. But he eventually found a girl who was similarly interested in the appearance of being a couple but actually not obsessed with actually being boyfriend/girlfriend, and they ended up being great friends and went on to date again later in high school, that time more romantically. But he seemed to really benefit from being told by me that he was the only person who could say how much or how little he should date and how serious or light the relationship should be. And lastly, the 1st time each of my kids felt their hearts were broken, I am SO glad I could be there for them to either cry to or just hang around even if they didn't want to talk much about it. They still seemed to feel relief that I was nearby and noticed they were not ok. And they got through it but who doesn't benefit from having a known, trusted shoulder to lean on during 1st heartbreaks? And we all know high school friends can be competitive or 2-faced or just too wrapped up in their own stuff or their own GF/BF to be there sometimes when your kid is feeling sad and alone. All you trying to shame that PP for asking wouldn't the parent rather be around to help their kid navigate that first love, wow, you really think 14, 15, 16 yr olds should be out there on their own in their first relationships and you mind your own business or be glad they don't date until college where there is pretty much NO oversight, and so many new things in their environments to navigate you think that's the best place for them to also figure out dating for the 1st time? SO glad you weren't my role models for parenting and that my parents respected my privacy but totally checked in and were sounding boards when I needed them! |
Anonymous
I didn’t date in high school, and looking back now, I realize it’s because I knew my parents were in a toxic relationship and would give me nothing but bad advice, and I didn’t really have any other trusted adults in my life to which I could reach out for advice. |
Anonymous
My God you are nuts. I said nothing about sexual development. Several PPs said pretty much the same thing too. It really depends on what circles the kids run in. |
Anonymous
There are plenty of top performers in school who are good looking, popular, great social skills and dating. And there are others who don’t. Your anecdotes are ridiculous. |