Anyone's teen DD's (esp. 16 and up) just not interested in dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a boy here. DS and his friends are mostly around 16. They seem to be most interested in food, cars, driving, and watching random things online (stupid videos, tik tok, some video games still). You rarely hear girls mentioned. My husband and I don’t understand it.

Same with my DS and friends. They’re laser-focused on upcoming college apps and just want to chill and do mindless stuff in their relatively small downtime. Dating may be too stressful a prospect right now. I’m grateful! Plenty of time to date later on.

Same with my rising senior and his friends. They are having a lot of fun getting together- playing sports, going to the pool but nobody is dating and I don’t hear any girl talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a boy here. DS and his friends are mostly around 16. They seem to be most interested in food, cars, driving, and watching random things online (stupid videos, tik tok, some video games still). You rarely hear girls mentioned. My husband and I don’t understand it.

I have a just-turned 16-year-old and his interests haven't really evolved at all. He still loves playing sports, watching sports, talking about sports and generally being goofy with his friends. They are suddenly more interested in going to parties and in dating. I assume my son will change eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a possibility, although maybe a small one, that she is in fact “dating” a little more than nothing and just not telling you about it.

It's not really a possibility. Her schedule has not allowed for it. At all. This -is- changing a little with driving on the horizon. But so far, I'm 100000% confident in saying there has been no dating.

So she's so booked up you're "100000%" confident there is no time for dating, and you're wondering why she isn't dating??? This seems pretty self-evident.

I knew someone would say something like this. Of course she has some free time. But it is limited and I know who she is with. And she talks to me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with not dating at 16. At 26 maybe. Either way, it’s inappropriate for a parent to put any pressure in a 16 year old to be having sex. And since that is so tied up with dating I think your even thinking about it is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

Unless the teen is so socially stunted that she never leaves the house you have no idea if you daughter hooks up with boys. When women like you (you've got to be a woman) writes something so out of touch with reality I wonder where’s she’s from. What gives you the idea that teens who are enrolled in AP classes are without normal sexual development.

The range of having a first boyfriend ranges from middle school until college age but in no way is it related to grades. True, some high schoolers can’t have much of a social life because he or she needs more than the usual amount of hours needed to do well. But that in no way stunts social growth.

My God you are nuts. I said nothing about sexual development. Several PPs said pretty much the same thing too. It really depends on what circles the kids run in.

There are plenty of top performers in school who are good looking, popular, great social skills and dating.

And there are others who don’t.

Your anecdotes are ridiculous.

I said it depends on what circles your kid runs in. The more popular, mature crowd might be dating more. The less popular kids aren’t and are focusing on their academics and activities more. I don’t see how that is “ridiculous” at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

I was the valedictorian of my hs class & a varsity athlete. I had a steady boyfriend for a couple of years, and also dated (and yes, pined after) other boys throughout high school.
Did dating occupy too much of my time? Maybe. But otherwise, I would have found something else to occupy my time. I was not studying or practicing all my waking hours.

Times are different now. I also agree that the academically focused kids aren’t dating in high school nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

Unless the teen is so socially stunted that she never leaves the house you have no idea if you daughter hooks up with boys. When women like you (you've got to be a woman) writes something so out of touch with reality I wonder where’s she’s from. What gives you the idea that teens who are enrolled in AP classes are without normal sexual development.

The range of having a first boyfriend ranges from middle school until college age but in no way is it related to grades. True, some high schoolers can’t have much of a social life because he or she needs more than the usual amount of hours needed to do well. But that in no way stunts social growth.

My God you are nuts. I said nothing about sexual development. Several PPs said pretty much the same thing too. It really depends on what circles the kids run in.

There are plenty of top performers in school who are good looking, popular, great social skills and dating.

And there are others who don’t.

Your anecdotes are ridiculous.

I said it depends on what circles your kid runs in. The more popular, mature crowd might be dating more. The less popular kids aren’t and are focusing on their academics and activities more. I don’t see how that is “ridiculous” at all.

A lot of kids don’t even run in circles. They have activities and random friends. Some teens prefer the quiet of having a significant other and very few others to spend their time with.

You trying to correlate AP classes with not dating just isn’t true. Others posted sports as a reason teens don’t date. Why can’t it be that some teens date, others don’t. It’s as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

My DD is only 14 1/2, so I'm not sure where she falls yet.

I just know when I was in HS, I was totally boy crazy and wanted to date. It's just no one wanted to date me. I was kind of shy and my looks didn't really develop until I was about 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my 14 year old DS is interested in dating. however, he is not allowed till college. we talk about crushes and I'm open to him about it. but he ain't allowed till college.

Wouldn't you rather be around to help him navigate his first relationship? Instead of off at college?

Yes, because teen boys totally want their mommies navigating their romantic relationships. Time to land that helicopter!

NP: I'm STUNNED that several of you think the idea of "being around to help a 14 or 16 yr old navigate their first relationship" is somehow a crazed helicopter parent that will make their child miserable. As both a licensed social worker and as a parent of 3 kids who are now past their teens, there is NO QUESTION that being available to check in with them, ask how things are going, and when any of them seemed REALLY DOWN being a sounding board for them for whatever was going on in the relationship was, by their own description now, a "life-saver".

It is NOT about dictating what should happen or digging for every detail. It's about offering perspective or asking questions that help them maybe see a situation differently and view it from many angles so they can make a more informed or thoughtful choice about what they want to do.

With my 1st girl when she was about 15 she was boy crazy & so were most of her friends. I didn't freak out about that, but I just tried to show that I'd be available to talk if she wanted to, and also that I cared that she felt good about the relationship. The first guy she really liked who asked her out, the first time she showed me a video of his, I said "That guy is a player" and she got very upset with me. We told her it was her choice if she dated him, she did, and later she found out he was still "talking to" his ex, and 2 other young ladies. I didn't say "I told you so!" (though had to fight back from saying it), instead I asked her what signs she felt like she saw but ignored because she liked him so much, and she really thought about it and told me some big signs she now realizes she ignored. When she visibly really sad & tired & didn't seem herself, I can't imagine not having noticed it, checked in, and offering her some ideas or other views of her situation & then supported her in whatever choice she made.

My DS in the middle started "dating" at 14 because there was a lot of pressure from other guys at his high school to ask (mostly girls) out. But he eventually found a girl who was similarly interested in the appearance of being a couple but actually not obsessed with actually being boyfriend/girlfriend, and they ended up being great friends and went on to date again later in high school, that time more romantically. But he seemed to really benefit from being told by me that he was the only person who could say how much or how little he should date and how serious or light the relationship should be.

And lastly, the 1st time each of my kids felt their hearts were broken, I am SO glad I could be there for them to either cry to or just hang around even if they didn't want to talk much about it. They still seemed to feel relief that I was nearby and noticed they were not ok. And they got through it but who doesn't benefit from having a known, trusted shoulder to lean on during 1st heartbreaks? And we all know high school friends can be competitive or 2-faced or just too wrapped up in their own stuff or their own GF/BF to be there sometimes when your kid is feeling sad and alone.

All you trying to shame that PP for asking wouldn't the parent rather be around to help their kid navigate that first love, wow, you really think 14, 15, 16 yr olds should be out there on their own in their first relationships and you mind your own business or be glad they don't date until college where there is pretty much NO oversight, and so many new things in their environments to navigate you think that's the best place for them to also figure out dating for the 1st time? SO glad you weren't my role models for parenting and that my parents respected my privacy but totally checked in and were sounding boards when I needed them!

I didn’t date in high school, and looking back now, I realize it’s because I knew my parents were in a toxic relationship and would give me nothing but bad advice, and I didn’t really have any other trusted adults in my life to which I could reach out for advice.

I'm the PP you responded to, and that makes all the sense in the world. You knew you'd get bad advice, and wanted someone you could reach out to if you were going to start but didn't feel like you had anyone. You were wise and mature in figuring out just waiting until you were a bit older and I guess could rely on yourself or see if you had a bigger network of trusted adults before you started. I totally get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there is anything wrong with not dating at 16. At 26 maybe. Either way, it’s inappropriate for a parent to put any pressure in a 16 year old to be having sex. And since that is so tied up with dating I think your even thinking about it is unhealthy.

You're not thinking about it is unhealthy, imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

I was the valedictorian of my hs class & a varsity athlete. I had a steady boyfriend for a couple of years, and also dated (and yes, pined after) other boys throughout high school.
Did dating occupy too much of my time? Maybe. But otherwise, I would have found something else to occupy my time. I was not studying or practicing all my waking hours.

Times are different now. I also agree that the academically focused kids aren’t dating in high school nowadays.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

Unless the teen is so socially stunted that she never leaves the house you have no idea if you daughter hooks up with boys. When women like you (you've got to be a woman) writes something so out of touch with reality I wonder where’s she’s from. What gives you the idea that teens who are enrolled in AP classes are without normal sexual development.

The range of having a first boyfriend ranges from middle school until college age but in no way is it related to grades. True, some high schoolers can’t have much of a social life because he or she needs more than the usual amount of hours needed to do well. But that in no way stunts social growth.

My God you are nuts. I said nothing about sexual development. Several PPs said pretty much the same thing too. It really depends on what circles the kids run in.

There are plenty of top performers in school who are good looking, popular, great social skills and dating.

And there are others who don’t.

Your anecdotes are ridiculous.

I said it depends on what circles your kid runs in. The more popular, mature crowd might be dating more. The less popular kids aren’t and are focusing on their academics and activities more. I don’t see how that is “ridiculous” at all.

A lot of kids don’t even run in circles. They have activities and random friends. Some teens prefer the quiet of having a significant other and very few others to spend their time with.

You trying to correlate AP classes with not dating just isn’t true. Others posted sports as a reason teens don’t date. Why can’t it be that some teens date, others don’t. It’s as simple as that.

There are a lot of kids with intense schedules that aren’t dating. They have multiple AP classes and not much time for socializing outside of school. Those kids aren’t dating. Why can’t you accept that?

[Anonymous]

I was a super late bloomer. Met my husband at 30, married at 31. Sometimes it just takes time.

[Anonymous]

Teens should only be focused on school and activities anyway, not dating. I wouldn’t encourage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids, DD and DS, were academically minded kids in public school magnet programs. Their peer grop was mainly kids like them. There was a lot of mixed socializing but very little dating or hook ups.
My DD dated casually in college but was still focused on a career path. She is working now and going steady with someone she knew from college. My DS is very goal focused and while he has a huge network of friends, he is not dating anyone right now.

+1 the academically focused kids aren’t really dating.

That’s a good excuse for kids who weren’t popular with the opposite sex or same sex if that was their preference. Yeah, that’s it, the academically focused kids just don’t date.

In reality teens don’t all develop at the same rate. Some teens enjoy spending time with their girlfriends, some with mixed company, some like one on one with boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing to worry about at all if a 16 year old doesn’t want that kind of commitment.

A lot of their parents don’t allow it because it’s pointless and just leads to drama and heartache and takes away from academic focus. You honestly think a kid with multiple AP classes and activities is going to find time to “date.”? Please. The only ones dating are usually the mediocre kids who have more time for it.

Unless the teen is so socially stunted that she never leaves the house you have no idea if you daughter hooks up with boys. When women like you (you've got to be a woman) writes something so out of touch with reality I wonder where’s she’s from. What gives you the idea that teens who are enrolled in AP classes are without normal sexual development.

The range of having a first boyfriend ranges from middle school until college age but in no way is it related to grades. True, some high schoolers can’t have much of a social life because he or she needs more than the usual amount of hours needed to do well. But that in no way stunts social growth.

My God you are nuts. I said nothing about sexual development. Several PPs said pretty much the same thing too. It really depends on what circles the kids run in.

There are plenty of top performers in school who are good looking, popular, great social skills and dating.

And there are others who don’t.

Your anecdotes are ridiculous.

I said it depends on what circles your kid runs in. The more popular, mature crowd might be dating more. The less popular kids aren’t and are focusing on their academics and activities more. I don’t see how that is “ridiculous” at all.

A lot of kids don’t even run in circles. They have activities and random friends. Some teens prefer the quiet of having a significant other and very few others to spend their time with.

You trying to correlate AP classes with not dating just isn’t true. Others posted sports as a reason teens don’t date. Why can’t it be that some teens date, others don’t. It’s as simple as that.

There are a lot of kids with intense schedules that aren’t dating. They have multiple AP classes and not much time for socializing outside of school. Those kids aren’t dating. Why can’t you accept that?

Why in every topic someone randomly brings up AP classes or how they are wealthy so doesn’t apply? There are hundreds of different reasons why individuals in this age group are dating or not dating. I doubt taking AP classes doesn’t even top the list.

For 16 year olds who take 8 AP classes, they are old enough to get together with a boyfriend to study. They can FaceTime, eat lunch together, go to a party together on Saturday night. They can add a boyfriend if wanted.

Plus there are other reasons that 16 year olds have intense schedules. They might need to put in more study hours than most just to keep their grades up. They might be spending their nights acting in local theater or doing professional work. They could have serious training in ballet that take up all their time. They might have a 25 hour a week job.

Students have all sorts of interesting lives outside of school and they either choose to date or decide they don’t want to or nobody is interested in them.