Do you ever regret not marrying for the "lifestyle"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

Was that a real choice for you? If you didn't inherit money, didn't establish a lucrative career, win a lottery or marry a wealthy guy? Good news! All isn't lost. If you are determined, go back to college or start a business. It would take time but you can do it. That bring said, learning to appreciate what you have, managing it smartly and working to add some more can significantly improve your situation. Its often about perspective. A person occupied by regrets, envy and nostalgia is merely wasting present and whatever it has to offer.

[Anonymous]

OP you write about this often. What you are doing to change your situation? Posting on DCUM is not going to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regret, no. But sometimes I wonder what that would have been like to either marry rich or choose a more lucrative career path. I didn't grow up with it, though, so it's not as hard not to have all the nice things.

Also, my friends who did end up in that lifestyle aren't any happier, necessarily. And their conversations are boring, like which airport lounges have the best perks or real estate trends. I don't think their trips are necessarily more fun than backpacking around Europe on a shoestring was. They jump through more hoops to live richly the "right" way.

Having both backpacked and airport lounged around Europe and elsewhere across the globe I for one am much happier/have more enjoyable trips in the latter scenario, especially now that kids are in the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOVA changed too. It used to be very middle class. Now it's UMC and expensive. Many MC folks have left the beltway entirely.

This. Move somewhere else and you’ll have a better lifestyle.

I left DC for a D-tier city in flyover country and I don’t know if the lifestyle is better. People are less status obsessed in a way, but houses are still incredibly expensive and the lower incomes are not proportional to that. I have no idea who they’re building all these houses for because only so many people in the world make enough money and also want to live in a place like this. Unless they’re wealthy or elderly, nobody vacations internationally as a family. Your options for industry are pretty much only health care, agriculture, or manufacturing. The food sucks.

I do think it’s good if you want a truly modest, middle class lifestyle surrounded by people in the same boat. I guess it’s just a matter of adjusting expectations.

[Anonymous]

I have a lower standard of living that I grew up with. My parents were medical professionals in the midwest and were affluent. My home life was also horrific. I moved out here for a low paying job but I had a great friend network and I loved what I did. It was really healing for me. I married a guy who is the opposite of my father. My DH is emotionally available, kind, loving and I'm his favorite person. I feel the same about him. DH is also under-employed, has ADHD and, by DCUM standards, isn't worthy. Yet, I'd much rather have my 'poors' lifestyle than the affluent lifestyle I grew up with. My life is rich in the things that matter.

And, if I wanted that affluent lifestyle, I wouldn't expect to obtain in through marriage. If I want it, I'll earn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

Not me, but my kids. My lifestyle is nicer than what I was raised with and I am glad I can share that with my parents. My husband took a slight downgrade, but we still have a SFH and 2 kids in Arlington, so we are doing just fine. A lot of what we have is based on dumb luck (fortunate stock market timing, our current mortgage at 2021 rates) and circumstances that are hard to replicate (my husband and I both spent our 20’s living in low cost Midwestern mid-size cities). We are comfortable, but not wealthy enough to launch our children into a similar lifestyle. I don’t think the lifestyle we have currently is attainable with two “normal” jobs - like a Fed + a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

Not me, but my kids. My lifestyle is nicer than what I was raised with and I am glad I can share that with my parents. My husband took a slight downgrade, but we still have a SFH and 2 kids in Arlington, so we are doing just fine. A lot of what we have is based on dumb luck (fortunate stock market timing, our current mortgage at 2021 rates) and circumstances that are hard to replicate (my husband and I both spent our 20’s living in low cost Midwestern mid-size cities). We are comfortable, but not wealthy enough to launch our children into a similar lifestyle. I don’t think the lifestyle we have currently is attainable with two “normal” jobs - like a Fed + a teacher.

As to what I am doing to make peace with it? I’m raising my kids to understand it’s probably a good idea to go to a university outside the DMV / NYC / Silicon Valley areas and that they should take co-ops and internships in places with a reasonable cost of living so that they consider living other places and developing careers that aren’t tethered to the federal government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you write about this often. What you are doing to change your situation? Posting on DCUM is not going to help you.

x10000000


THANK YOU. WELL SAID.

[Anonymous]

Op, go volunteer at a shelter and get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you're not hot enough to marry a guy who makes that kind of money, so it was never going to happen and there's no point in regretting it.

Bingo. OP needs both an attitude and a reality check. Unfortunately most women think they are entitled to having it all without actually working for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you write about this often. What you are doing to change your situation? Posting on DCUM is not going to help you.

x10000000


THANK YOU. WELL SAID.

NP. I don’t think OP is reposting the same question again and again actually. I think just a lot of people struggle with this. There were just 2 huge threads on this in Money and Finance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

No. My mother was not happy with the financial lifestyle my father provided, so I decided as a teen to go into a field that would pay me well so I wouldn't have to depend on a partner to make big bucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility. It’s brutal. It’s not even about what you do or don’t have, it’s knowing what you’re missing.

One thing I’ve noticed is that it hits white gentiles way more than Asians or Jews.

Hispanics and blacks seem in general to be upwardly mobile.

Jews and Asians maintain or are above or slightly below.

White gentile parents definitely don’t talk to their kids seriously about downward mobility risks like Jewish and Asian parents do and it shows years later

[Anonymous]

In the 2020s I think you will start to see an acceleration of downwardly mobile whites move to Europe.

Earning 1500 euros a month in a small walkable town in Italy (like Verona) is “nicer” than being lmc/working poor in the USA.

[Anonymous]

May you’re area is too expensive. Move to a LCOL area.