Do you ever regret not marrying for the "lifestyle"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to make peace with the fact that I'd only be able to financially rely on myself a long time ago. And what that means for my lifestyle. The phrase I've repeated to myself for years is "that's for other people." Like when a hairdresser told me I could get the baby hairs that make my hairline weird, lasered away like the Kardashians did. Well, that's something rich people do. That's for other people. I'll make peace with my baby hairs. I'll make peace with never having been to Hawaii or Europe or a thousand other places. Those things are for other people.

+1

I like this mantra. Thank you. It makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how obsessed people here are with money, as if its the only resource for a meaningful life.

+1 It's absurd. Should be focusing on important things in life like family, friends, faith, and doing for others. Make your life meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever says "Well, now that I have some nice furniture I will spend the next several decades basking in my sense of accomplishment."

+1

Yeah, some people have money - and no furniture is ever enough, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how obsessed people here are with money, as if its the only resource for a meaningful life.

+1 It's absurd. Should be focusing on important things in life like family, friends, faith, and doing for others. Make your life meaningful.

x10000

[Anonymous]

yes.. every single day.

[Anonymous]

I married "up" from a lifestyle perspective compared to my upbringing. My DH makes good $$ but acts entitled and spoiled. And he's been unfaithful.

Not saying every man that makes a decent salary is entitled, spoiled, and unfaithful, but the grass isn't always greener.

If I could start over, I would focus on finding someone who is hard-working, ambitious, and way more selfless. I would take that over a nice house any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised how obsessed people here are with money, as if its the only resource for a meaningful life.

+1 It's absurd. Should be focusing on important things in life like family, friends, faith, and doing for others. Make your life meaningful.

Seriously. I get that it's very, very hard to have a meaningful life if you don't have your basic needs met but nice furniture?? Maybe just make a hobby of decorating your home in a lovely way on a budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

Why would you assume this while not choosing a career with matching salary and making sound financial decisions?

NP here. Things are totally different now. My parents worked but didn’t have high earning jobs, and somehow still had a nice home and 2 cars and 2 kids. The same jobs today would not buy that same lifestyle, at least not in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regret, no. But sometimes I wonder what that would have been like to either marry rich or choose a more lucrative career path. I didn't grow up with it, though, so it's not as hard not to have all the nice things.

Also, my friends who did end up in that lifestyle aren't any happier, necessarily. And their conversations are boring, like which airport lounges have the best perks or real estate trends. I don't think their trips are necessarily more fun than backpacking around Europe on a shoestring was. They jump through more hoops to live richly the "right" way.

+1

Their conversations are mind-numbingly boring - lie where they had the best acai bowl. Holy crap, shoot me now.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 friends who have married "for the lifestyle" instead of marrying for things like "compatibility" or "partnership".

I would not trade my marriage for either of theirs. They are miserable. Rich and pretty and ragingly insecure and with men who see them as part of the décor in their life.

No. Pass. Be a full person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

1) "marrying for the lifestyle" sounds like being a prostitute to me (or looking for a sugar daddy so you can be a kept woman), vs marrying for love

2) why do you blame who you married for the problem? That is so old fashioned. YOU could have chosen a more high paying career, and provided for the lifestyle you aspired to. You seem very sexist (which sounds like one side effect of how you were raised)

3) you could still move to a more lower cost area. Don't act like a whiney victim. Take control of your own circumstances (hint: pining for prince charming is not exactly taking control)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married "up" from a lifestyle perspective compared to my upbringing. My DH makes good $$ but acts entitled and spoiled. And he's been unfaithful.

Not saying every man that makes a decent salary is entitled, spoiled, and unfaithful, but the grass isn't always greener.

If I could start over, I would focus on finding someone who is hard-working, ambitious, and way more selfless. I would take that over a nice house any day.

Thank you for sharing a realistic perspective on the lifestyle OP dreams of.

It is sad to me that you act like you are locked into the decisions you made when you were younger (and less wise). It is not going to make your husband feel less entitled for him to see that he can "get away" with cheating on you.

I can see why you feel unhappy. But you can still take a different path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I assumed my married life would be similar to my parents and my family life growing up. I would live in a nice single family house in a nice neighborhood. I would have 2 cars and a dog. I would decorate the house for Christmas. I would have nice furniture.

Well...I married someone with whom our combined income does not make that life feasible in Northern Virginia. We rent an apartment and cannot afford to have nice furniture. It now seems that that life will never come by to us. I am trying to make peace with it. Anyone else in similar circumstances?

Why would you assume this while not choosing a career with matching salary and making sound financial decisions?

NP here. Things are totally different now. My parents worked but didn’t have high earning jobs, and somehow still had a nice home and 2 cars and 2 kids. The same jobs today would not buy that same lifestyle, at least not in this area.

Yes, it's both true that OP's situation is probably out of her control *and* that she is looking at her situation the wrong way (blaming her choice of husband, feeling entitled to a certain lifestyle, feeling like this *has* to happen in NOVA, etc).

[Anonymous]

OP, the grass is always greener.

Until you get closer and find that it is turf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NOVA changed too. It used to be very middle class. Now it's UMC and expensive. Many MC folks have left the beltway entirely.

This. Move somewhere else and you’ll have a better lifestyle.