Reply to If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother. 
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How old are your kids, OP? I feel like some people would have thought of me that way when my kids were really small - I didn't do CIO, breastfed for more than a year, didn't use babysitters until the youngest was 1yr because the kids weren't reliable sleepers.  However, now that the youngest is 2 and they are both good sleepers we have started using babysitters for occasional nights out, and we are doing a weekend away in about a month.

Honestly, I feel like when the kids are little it feels natural to be a bit of a martyr. The effort of being away from them (pumping milk, the meltdowns when you leave, communicating all the routines) sometimes seems not worth it. And "self-care" (which I sometimes feel is more of a marketing tool to sell us things) feels like just another chore.

However, it also feels natural to me to pull away a bit as they get older.  Now it's relatively easy to leave them with my DH, and the effort required for a babysitter is less.  I'm really enjoying being able to prioritize myself and my marriage a bit more, with exercise and date nights and meeting friends and such.  I don't feel the need to do girls trips or spa days but maybe that will come in time.  I trust my instincts and try to worry too much about how it looks to others.[/quote]

I was going to say the same thing. Tiny babies need essentially full time care, especially colicky ones or some just higher needs ones, and if you aren’t lucky enough to have family or someone you really trust it’s hard to hand them over. I work and when my kids were younger I used every minute of leave to take care of them and cuddle them on sick days and try to make special memories. I don’t regret any of it. As the get older, they SHOULD have a life outside of me and it’s easier to fit in time for myself, especially exercise and time with my DH. I am also trying hard to think about how to prepare them for adulthood; my DH could not do anything for himself besides laundry when he left home and found that really overwhelming. I want my kids to think of themselves as capable and able to do things. So my 7 year old is mostly focused on cleaning up after herself but we are also working on her taking responsibility for her own schoolwork and homework and doing some very minor household chores. Even my preschooler knows to pitch in when we are putting away groceries and then he’s proud of himself! Eventually they will do more but my goal is mostly to have them work alongside me rather than just be off playing while mom does all the work. The thing I am  worst about is making time for my DH because he works a lot and it requires a babysitter and our kids struggle with that, although it’s getting better with age. I assume it will come like my ability to exercise regularly and get enough sleep, hopefully soon.[/quote]

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