Reply to If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers

Reply to "If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that. [/quote]

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore.[b] A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job [/b]-- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.[/quote]

My take on the 'therapist' PP's #3 comment was that it's important to dig into the the feelings behind any justification of lack of a job or stuffing down a sense of inadequacy, exploring emotions behind leaving the workforce and what you may be holding on to from that. I did not take it as a blanket statement or judgement on stay-at-home motherhood at all! [/quote]

Exactly this! I'm the PP who wrote it. I'm not at all saying SAHM isn't totally justified--of course it is! But not everyone is 100% happy with it or satisfied with it, just like I can fully admit that there are plenty of days when I'm not 100% happy as a WOHM! What I am saying is that there's something going on with OP, and she needs to explore it, and therapy is a great tool. (I know from personal experience!) Whether OP is willing to do the work and face what this is and what this could be and how she can change--for herself AND for the benefit of her family--that is up to her.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics