Reply to If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?

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Reply to "If you’re a mommy martyr, what’s behind it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother. 
[/quote]

How old are your kids, OP? I feel like some people would have thought of me that way when my kids were really small - I didn't do CIO, breastfed for more than a year, didn't use babysitters until the youngest was 1yr because the kids weren't reliable sleepers.  However, now that the youngest is 2 and they are both good sleepers we have started using babysitters for occasional nights out, and we are doing a weekend away in about a month.

Honestly, I feel like when the kids are little it feels natural to be a bit of a martyr. The effort of being away from them (pumping milk, the meltdowns when you leave, communicating all the routines) sometimes seems not worth it. And "self-care" (which I sometimes feel is more of a marketing tool to sell us things) feels like just another chore.

However, it also feels natural to me to pull away a bit as they get older.  Now it's relatively easy to leave them with my DH, and the effort required for a babysitter is less.  I'm really enjoying being able to prioritize myself and my marriage a bit more, with exercise and date nights and meeting friends and such.  I don't feel the need to do girls trips or spa days but maybe that will come in time.  I trust my instincts and try to worry too much about how it looks to others.[/quote]

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