Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For some background; My parents and my DH have never really gotten along. The long story short is that they're just different. My parents are very extroverted, DH is not, and in addition to being more introverted, he has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can alleviate it, especially when my parents say things like "why are you being so quiet, DH?" That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other in person, which only happens a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country.

We have a DD who is two. In an effort to better foster a relationship with DD and my parents, and since we don't see them very often, we set up a FaceTime with them every Saturday, and it's been going very well; DD is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they're building a relationship. Sometimes DH will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes he doesn't come on at all. Since I know that he has a difficult relationship with them, I don't pressure him to join in on these calls if he doesn't want to. If he's not there, my Mom will ask "where's DH?" and I'll make some some excuse like "he's running an errand/at the gym/taking a shower/etc etc), to which she says something like "oh, well next time we'd love to see him, tell him we say hi," and then we move on to whatever thing DD is doing.

Lately though, my Mom has gotten pushier and pushier about DH not participating in these calls. Earlier this past week I was on the phone with my Mom and was confirming when we'd FaceTime on Saturday, and she asked "is DH going to join?" I gave her the usual line of "oh, he has plans, but maybe he'll pop in." My Mom then said, "maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time that's better for all three of you, so we can talk with DH too. I'ts frusturating that we hardly ever talk to him on FaceTime." She then went on to mention that when she was younger, she and my Dad would always talk with their respective in-laws, and that whenever she calls/FaceTimes with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses too.

I guess I'm not really understanding why my Mom is so laser-focused on DH participating in these calls. In my mind, the objective of these calls is for my parents and DD to build a relationship; DH's involvement in these calls doesn't really play a role in that. How can I get her to focus on building a relationship with my DD, and not on the fact that DH isn't as involved in these calls as she'd like?

You need to stop her right there and remind her just because she did it that way, doesn't mean you need to do it that way. Not everything she did in her marriage is something her kids will do in their marriage and tbh it's weird to even think it will happen. Ask her if she felt forced to do that and now she just feels like well I suffered so should you.

And then just be honest, and tell her that you want to catch up with her and talk to her and no DH isn't going to join the call. You could also tell her you are a little hurt that she feels that you aren't enough .

Sounds like she feels like she did the respect-your-elders thing and now wants to receive it in her turn. But times have changed.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom to get over it and to not bring it up again. I am team husband. I love my in-laws, but between them talking over us and each other, my kids both talking, and them moving the camera around constantly in a way that makes me dizzy - it’s a sensory overload for me. Sometimes they even do a 3 way call with another sibling who also has kids. It’s really overwhelming for me and I pop in, smile and wave, and walk away. Thank goodness so don’t get any hassle.

Another idea - have your husband be the camera man so your parents can talk to you while you play with the toddler. He can chime in once and a while but not be on camera.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

I would absolutely say the bolded part, but not the second part. I do think she's being ridiculous.

+1. And if it's applicable I might also say he hates Facetime.

I HATE FACETIME and I think I hated every single second of those calls when my kids were young and all the wanted to do was clown for the camera while their grandparents attempted to have a conversation, and then have a conversation with us. If I could get out of them, I always would. your mom needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

Either tell your mom to drop it or you will reduce the calls. She can get over herself.

[Anonymous]

Grandma is being ridiculous. I don’t get on FaceTime with DH’s family calls and he doesn’t get on mine. I would simply refuse. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say he’s not interested in FaceTiming. This is your mom’s issue.

This! To be polite he could pop in on calls for a few minutes once a month, but expecting an in-law to do a weekly call with you? No. The calls are for your DD, (maybe you) and your parents.

Your mom is being ridiculous. No one's SIL or DIL does a weekly call with them unless there is some kind of special circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is handling this fine. Just hold firm and if she won't drop it, take a break from the calls. It would be dumb to ruin these calls over this since your daughter likes them, but that's on her.

But here is my advice to anyone who thinks they can command a relative to interact with them:

No, you can't. Even if you successfully get someone to show up or do they thing you want, by forcing it on them without any respect for their own boundaries, you will make it a miserable experience for them. The harder you push, the worse it will be.

If a relationship is not as close as you would like it to be, you have to nurture it the way you would nurture anything tender -- with kindness and respect. If you are upset that your SIL or DIL is not as close as you'd like, try gently reaching out in a more approachable way (FaceTime is not approachable, it is forcing someone to sit on camera for an undetermined length of time, it's more intrusive than in-person interactions). When they are visiting or you visit them, ask for their help or offer your help on discrete tasks that might allow you a chance to talk (cutting vegetables, doing grocery shopping, etc.). Ask them thoughtful questions about their lives but do not be overly invasive (don't ask pointed questions about their health or their jobs, ask gentler questions about their hobbies or their kids that will be easy for them to answer and might get them to open up). Accept whatever boundaries they set and remember that they may still uncomfortable acclimating to being a member of someone else's family -- they didn't grow up with you like your own child did and your house, traditions, and ways of communicating may still feel foreign to them. If you DIL/SIL does things like disappear for a nap, go to bed early, beg off a FaceTime call, etc., but is otherwise pleasant and respectful, be respectful. Yes, they might be trying to get away from you. But not because they dislike, simply because being the one outsider in someone else's family can be exhausting -- they might simply need a break from being "on", answering questions, or trying to keep up with conversations that often don't make sense to them. Cut them some slack.

If you want to have a strained and unpleasant relationship with your kids' spouses, by all means get very angry when you try to order them to appear on command. It will work very well and might wind up alienating your own child and grandchildren in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say he’s not interested in FaceTiming. This is your mom’s issue.

This! To be polite he could pop in on calls for a few minutes once a month, but expecting an in-law to do a weekly call with you? No. The calls are for your DD, (maybe you) and your parents.

Your mom is being ridiculous. No one's SIL or DIL does a weekly call with them unless there is some kind of special circumstances.

+1 and especially not on FaceTime. I know people who text or do voice calls with their ILs far more than I do, but they aren't sitting down to a FaceTime. Regular video calls really only make sense for young kids because they can't read/write yet and a voice call may not give them the context they need. Even with grandkids, once they are 8 or so, it's going to be more comfortable for everyone to just do phone calls or texts most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

I would absolutely say the bolded part, but not the second part. I do think she's being ridiculous.

+1. And if it's applicable I might also say he hates Facetime.

I HATE FACETIME and I think I hated every single second of those calls when my kids were young and all the wanted to do was clown for the camera while their grandparents attempted to have a conversation, and then have a conversation with us. If I could get out of them, I always would. your mom needs to chill.

I think that's the part I hate. My kids get completely ignored and are required to sit still and listen about health problems, work issues or extended family they don't know. Instead I have my kids (4 and 6) talk on the phone to my parents. It works much, much better. Kids can move around and they like talking on the phone. It's the video that's awful. Plus it means the conversations are actually about the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

What a psycho response!! Who uses this nuclear option at the drop of the hat? Also,terrible to threaten withdrawing access to grandkids

OP, just tell your parents "Mom, Larlitaa loves Facetiming you. And it gives DH some time away from Larlita to quickly do other errands and chores around the house. He will pop in now and then, buy we both love that you are building this amazing one-on-one relationship with Larlita and maybe very soon she will be talking you alone."

Turn it into a positive instead of being confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

What a psycho response!! Who uses this nuclear option at the drop of the hat? Also,terrible to threaten withdrawing access to grandkids

OP, just tell your parents "Mom, Larlitaa loves Facetiming you. And it gives DH some time away from Larlita to quickly do other errands and chores around the house. He will pop in now and then, buy we both love that you are building this amazing one-on-one relationship with Larlita and maybe very soon she will be talking you alone."

Turn it into a positive instead of being confrontational.

Okay you with the “psycho” drama. Pot calling kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

What a psycho response!! Who uses this nuclear option at the drop of the hat? Also,terrible to threaten withdrawing access to grandkids

OP, just tell your parents "Mom, Larlitaa loves Facetiming you. And it gives DH some time away from Larlita to quickly do other errands and chores around the house. He will pop in now and then, buy we both love that you are building this amazing one-on-one relationship with Larlita and maybe very soon she will be talking you alone."

Turn it into a positive instead of being confrontational.

You should use your own advice if not being confrontational. For good measure, look up the word psycho and try not to be a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

What a psycho response!! Who uses this nuclear option at the drop of the hat? Also,terrible to threaten withdrawing access to grandkids

OP, just tell your parents "Mom, Larlitaa loves Facetiming you. And it gives DH some time away from Larlita to quickly do other errands and chores around the house. He will pop in now and then, buy we both love that you are building this amazing one-on-one relationship with Larlita and maybe very soon she will be talking you alone."

Turn it into a positive instead of being confrontational.

-1 because of your use of Larlita. What? No.

[Anonymous]

Dump your Apple phone for an Android. N9 face time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some background; My parents and my DH have never really gotten along. The long story short is that they're just different. My parents are very extroverted, DH is not, and in addition to being more introverted, he has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can alleviate it, especially when my parents say things like "why are you being so quiet, DH?" That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other in person, which only happens a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country.

We have a DD who is two. In an effort to better foster a relationship with DD and my parents, and since we don't see them very often, we set up a FaceTime with them every Saturday, and it's been going very well; DD is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they're building a relationship. Sometimes DH will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes he doesn't come on at all. Since I know that he has a difficult relationship with them, I don't pressure him to join in on these calls if he doesn't want to. If he's not there, my Mom will ask "where's DH?" and I'll make some some excuse like "he's running an errand/at the gym/taking a shower/etc etc), to which she says something like "oh, well next time we'd love to see him, tell him we say hi," and then we move on to whatever thing DD is doing.

Lately though, my Mom has gotten pushier and pushier about DH not participating in these calls. Earlier this past week I was on the phone with my Mom and was confirming when we'd FaceTime on Saturday, and she asked "is DH going to join?" I gave her the usual line of "oh, he has plans, but maybe he'll pop in." My Mom then said, "maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time that's better for all three of you, so we can talk with DH too. I'ts frusturating that we hardly ever talk to him on FaceTime." She then went on to mention that when she was younger, she and my Dad would always talk with their respective in-laws, and that whenever she calls/FaceTimes with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses too.

I guess I'm not really understanding why my Mom is so laser-focused on DH participating in these calls. In my mind, the objective of these calls is for my parents and DD to build a relationship; DH's involvement in these calls doesn't really play a role in that. How can I get her to focus on building a relationship with my DD, and not on the fact that DH isn't as involved in these calls as she'd like?

OP, your mom doesn't get it because you've never explained it to her. "Mom, I purposefully schedule these calls so that you can spend uninterrupted time with DD, and you and she can focus on each other. You and DH have lots of other ways to connect so it's not a priority of mine that he participate. Do you want me to give you his cell number again so you can send him a text later? I'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

Also, a couple times a month when you are going to text your mom a photo of your DD, have DH do it as well. He can take a picture of you and DD and send it "Got a great pic of our girls today!". Instant MIL points.