Reply to Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For some background; My parents and my DH have never really gotten along. The long story short is that they're just different. My parents are very extroverted, DH is not, and in addition to being more introverted, he has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can alleviate it, especially when my parents say things like "why are you being so quiet, DH?" That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other in person, which only happens a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country.

We have a DD who is two. In an effort to better foster a relationship with DD and my parents, and since we don't see them very often, we set up a FaceTime with them every Saturday, and it's been going very well; DD is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they're building a relationship. Sometimes DH will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes he doesn't come on at all. Since I know that he has a difficult relationship with them, I don't pressure him to join in on these calls if he doesn't want to. If he's not there, my Mom will ask "where's DH?" and I'll make some some excuse like "he's running an errand/at the gym/taking a shower/etc etc), to which she says something like "oh, well next time we'd love to see him, tell him we say hi," and then we move on to whatever thing DD is doing.

Lately though, my Mom has gotten pushier and pushier about DH not participating in these calls. Earlier this past week I was on the phone with my Mom and was confirming when we'd FaceTime on Saturday, and she asked "is DH going to join?" I gave her the usual line of "oh, he has plans, but maybe he'll pop in." [b]My Mom then said, "maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time that's better for all three of you, so we can talk with DH too. I'ts frusturating that we hardly ever talk to him on FaceTime." She then went on to mention that when she was younger, she and my Dad would always talk with their respective in-laws,[/b] and that whenever she calls/FaceTimes with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses too.

I guess I'm not really understanding why my Mom is so laser-focused on DH participating in these calls. In my mind, the objective of these calls is for my parents and DD to build a relationship; DH's involvement in these calls doesn't really play a role in that. How can I get her to focus on building a relationship with my DD, and not on the fact that DH isn't as involved in these calls as she'd like?[/quote]

You need to stop her right there and remind her just because she did it that way, doesn't mean you need to do it that way. Not everything she did in her marriage is something her kids will do in their marriage and tbh it's weird to even think it will happen. Ask her if she felt forced to do that and now she just feels like well I suffered so should you.

And then just be honest, and tell her that you want to catch up with her and talk to her and no DH isn't going to join the call. You could also tell her you are a little hurt that she feels that you aren't enough .[/quote]

Sounds like she feels like she did the respect-your-elders thing and now wants to receive it in her turn.  But times have changed.[/quote]

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