Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

I would absolutely say the bolded part, but not the second part. I do think she's being ridiculous.

Same PP, following up: I call my parents weekly on the phone. I do not teleconference DH in, because those are calls between me and my parents. People have relationships with parents (or grandparents) that are specific to them. DH has his own parents that he talks to; I think they're lovely and sometimes we talk without him, but not usually.

I also do not think he has to join the call for 5 minutes to be polite. It's rude to drag somebody onto a call (in any context) if they don't need to be there; it feels like the parents trying to control his time. They should focus on their grandkid who is the reason for the call and likely has a pretty short attention span at this age anyway. If they can't hear that message then OP should just say her spouse is at the store or something.

[Anonymous]

Just say he’s not interested in FaceTiming. This is your mom’s issue.

[Anonymous]

I personally hate FaceTime. Doesn’t matter if it’s our parents or our kids. Once in a blue moon if there is a need for something visual I tolerate it. But for regular communication I much prefer a simple phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to learn to deal with his poor social skills. Having a young child is going to offer more opportunities to interact with others, he needs to be able to do it.

Sorry but facetime is not an interaction that's needed. Inlaws don't need to be training their son in law!

[Anonymous]

Maybe your Mom is worried about your marriage but doesn't want to directly say it. If my DH ever has to miss a visit or family event I have to make it very clear to my parents that everything is fine he really does have to work or whatever.

[Anonymous]

You need to explain the dynamics of these calls to your Mom because she's not getting it. We went through this with our parents, too, but now they get it.

Adults don't need to do FaceTime to stay in touch and, to be honest, a lot of us don't like it. I find awkward to be on camera for extended periods and it's uncomfortable to have to stay in one room or location while talking to my parents on the phone. I prefer to keep in touch with them via phone calls and text, which have worked perfectly fine for many years. I don't personally get more out of seeing them on camera and I don't actually enjoy it that much either. But we're all adults who can converse on a phone and read and write texts and emails, so this makes sense for us.

FaceTime is pretty great for little kids who can't do those things. We do FaceTimes with our kid and her grandparents, and it's a good opportunity for her to get to know them, share things about her life, and get some face to face interactions with family who live far away. Sometimes they read stories to her, sometimes she shows them her toys or something she made. It's nice. The calls are not long, about 15 minutes, as that's the right length for her. The focus is on her because she's the one who needs it.

When my parents/ILs have been demanding about making this "full family" calls, here's what happens: instead of talking to our DD, they talk directly to us, mostly about things that DD cannot sustain interest in. They want to talk about someone they know who died, their health problems, stuff going on with house repairs, neighborhood gossip, etc. DD can't listen to this stuff. She wanders off or, worst case scenario, gets frustrated and starts trying to get us to get off the phone. These conversations can go on for 30-40 minutes because they have a lot to say. DD can't do that. She's 4. It doesn't work.

Also, while some of that is okay for the DIL or SIL in the room, I don't personally think my DH needs to listen to my parents discuss their health problems for close to an hour. I will absolutely do it, they are my parents. And my DH wants to hear how they are doing and cares about what's going on. But he doesn't need the whole thing. And vice versa. My MIL always wants to talk about people in her town who I've never heard of. I can definitely have those conversations with her but not every week for an hour! DH can do it because he actually knows those people and the conversations have relevance to him, but to me it's just random gossip about strangers.

So we do FaceTime with our DD and the focus is on DD and both parents do NOT need to be there because it's not for us. We each talk to our parents on the phone regularly and keep in touch via text, and then our parents can talk for as long as they need to about whatever they need to discuss, and they can get into sad or difficult subjects and not worry about boring DD or us needing to deal with her (our spouse can focus on DD if we are home during these calls, one of the nice things about having a spouse!). And we can also each stay in touch with our ILs with shorter phone calls and texts, which makes sense for the nature of these relationships.

I don't know where my parents got this idea in the first place that a sit down FaceTime with our entire family would make sense -- people got a lot of weird ideas during Covid about how stuff is supposed to work. But it doesn't! Just explain this to your parents, especially your mom, and let them know that this is how other families do it, too. Trust me, everyone is not sitting down to a weekly FaceTime with their ILs every week, and if they are, it's likely they have different family dynamics (not necessarily better). This is how your family works, do what makes sense for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to learn to deal with his poor social skills. Having a young child is going to offer more opportunities to interact with others, he needs to be able to do it.

Sorry but facetime is not an interaction that's needed. Inlaws don't need to be training their son in law!

+1, human beings maintained family connections for hundreds of years without FaceTime. What the hell is wrong with the phone? Most people prefer it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is anxious to make him feel like he is a valued part of the family, and wants to reciprocate the warm welcome her in laws provided to her back in the day. That’s very sweet but she is definitely misreading the situation. I would just assure her that all is well, but DH isn’t a huge FaceTime person, and get the conversation back to your child - who by the way will likely outgrow her interest in sitting through a FaceTime call too. They are boring for a lot of people, kid and adult!

[Anonymous]

Mom, this is a part of my special me time with you. It's for the three generations of (family name) women. I don't even want (DH) here . I just want to focus on YOU and baby. We miss you so much!

Wash rinse repeat

[Anonymous]

She sounds kind of rigid in her expectations: because this is how she and her H did with relatives back in their day, this is how it should be for younger generations too.

It's perfectly fine to say, Mom, these facetimes calls are for you and DD. DH does not like facetime, but I'll tell him that you asked about him.

[Anonymous]

Text ahead of the next call.

"Mom, DH sometimes will pop on the FaceTime, sometimes not. He doesn't enjoy FT calls, and would rather spend his time doing other things on a Saturday; that's his prerogative. I just wanted to make that clear so there wouldn't be any questions or confusion."

If she pushes back, "OK, well I guess we're just not on the same page about FaceTime calls, so probably best not to continue them. Let me know if you change your mind and still want to do them with Little Billy and me."

[Anonymous]

My husband's family likes to FaceTime. I hate it. It's awkward, and it's a waste of time. If I'm on the phone, I can do other small tasks, or move around a little, etc. OP, just tell your mom that your husband isn't into FaceTime, and you'd like to keep the focus on your parents being able to interact with your daughter. Honestly, if she kept it up after that, I'd be tempted to say, "Oh, Mom, let's not repeat that again" or something dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Like the above poster, I clean when I talk on the phone. I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell your parents that your DH doesn’t like FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the issue is your lack of communication.

You've never explained that he's not planning to join regularly. If that's what she does with the spouses of her other kids and if she has that history with her own spouse and respective in-laws, it's natural for her to assume that's what would happen.

So tell her that in your mind the purpose of the call is grandparent time, your DH doesn't really like FT, and he'll pop on if it's convenient but otherwise will not join the call. IF she asks again, just remind her, "Remember, mom? He's not going to be part of the call."

[Anonymous]

Your mom is strange.
I get along well with my in-laws and DH and my parents also get along very well. When I WhatsApp my parents for our weekly video chat DH will pop in to say hello, exchange pleasantries and then I will talk to my parents while following our kid around. Same goes when he talks to ILs.
There’s no need for command performances.