Reply to Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls

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[quote=Anonymous]I think OP is handling this fine. Just hold firm and if she won't drop it, take a break from the calls. It would be dumb to ruin these calls over this since your daughter likes them, but that's on her.

But here is my advice to anyone who thinks they can command a relative to interact with them:

No, you can't. Even if you successfully get someone to show up or do they thing you want, by forcing it on them without any respect for their own boundaries, you will make it a miserable experience for them. The harder you push, the worse it will be.

If a relationship is not as close as you would like it to be, you have to nurture it the way you would nurture anything tender -- with kindness and respect. If you are upset that your SIL or DIL is not as close as you'd like, try gently reaching out in a more approachable way (FaceTime is not approachable, it is forcing someone to sit on camera for an undetermined length of time, it's more intrusive than in-person interactions). When they are visiting or you visit them, ask for their help or offer your help on discrete tasks that might allow you a chance to talk (cutting vegetables, doing grocery shopping, etc.). Ask them thoughtful questions about their lives but do not be overly invasive (don't ask pointed questions about their health or their jobs, ask gentler questions about their hobbies or their kids that will be easy for them to answer and might get them to open up). Accept whatever boundaries they set and remember that they may still uncomfortable acclimating to being a member of someone else's family -- they didn't grow up with you like your own child did and your house, traditions, and ways of communicating may still feel foreign to them. If you DIL/SIL does things like disappear for a nap, go to bed early, beg off a FaceTime call, etc., but is otherwise pleasant and respectful, be respectful. Yes, they might be trying to get away from you. But not because they dislike, simply because being the one outsider in someone else's family can be exhausting -- they might simply need a break from being "on", answering questions, or trying to keep up with conversations that often don't make sense to them. Cut them some slack.

If you want to have a strained and unpleasant relationship with your kids' spouses, by all means get very angry when you try to order them to appear on command. It will work very well and might wind up alienating your own child and grandchildren in the process.[/quote]

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