Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls

[Anonymous]

For some background; My parents and my DH have never really gotten along. The long story short is that they're just different. My parents are very extroverted, DH is not, and in addition to being more introverted, he has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can alleviate it, especially when my parents say things like "why are you being so quiet, DH?" That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other in person, which only happens a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country.

We have a DD who is two. In an effort to better foster a relationship with DD and my parents, and since we don't see them very often, we set up a FaceTime with them every Saturday, and it's been going very well; DD is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they're building a relationship. Sometimes DH will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes he doesn't come on at all. Since I know that he has a difficult relationship with them, I don't pressure him to join in on these calls if he doesn't want to. If he's not there, my Mom will ask "where's DH?" and I'll make some some excuse like "he's running an errand/at the gym/taking a shower/etc etc), to which she says something like "oh, well next time we'd love to see him, tell him we say hi," and then we move on to whatever thing DD is doing.

Lately though, my Mom has gotten pushier and pushier about DH not participating in these calls. Earlier this past week I was on the phone with my Mom and was confirming when we'd FaceTime on Saturday, and she asked "is DH going to join?" I gave her the usual line of "oh, he has plans, but maybe he'll pop in." My Mom then said, "maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time that's better for all three of you, so we can talk with DH too. I'ts frusturating that we hardly ever talk to him on FaceTime." She then went on to mention that when she was younger, she and my Dad would always talk with their respective in-laws, and that whenever she calls/FaceTimes with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses too.

I guess I'm not really understanding why my Mom is so laser-focused on DH participating in these calls. In my mind, the objective of these calls is for my parents and DD to build a relationship; DH's involvement in these calls doesn't really play a role in that. How can I get her to focus on building a relationship with my DD, and not on the fact that DH isn't as involved in these calls as she'd like?

[Anonymous]

You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.

[Anonymous]

OP here; another point I wanted to add, if they're so interested in communicating with DH, they have his phone number, and they're more than welcome to text/call him (which they've never done in the 9 years we've been together.)

[Anonymous]

“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

[Anonymous]

You can’t. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

She wants to get to know him too! That’s a good thing - she is looking to connect. If FaceTime isn’t his way, that’s fine too, but it probably comes from a good place. Have DH say a quick hi before going to the store or whatever most times - it won’t hurt him to try a little.

- fellow introvert with in-laws I just don’t click with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

Well, this is a great way to escalate unnecessarily. Why can’t the calls be what both parties want instead of just what one person dictates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here; another point I wanted to add, if they're so interested in communicating with DH, they have his phone number, and they're more than welcome to text/call him (which they've never done in the 9 years we've been together.)

That’s another friendship level, though - to text out of the blue. They need to feel comfortable with him first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here; another point I wanted to add, if they're so interested in communicating with DH, they have his phone number, and they're more than welcome to text/call him (which they've never done in the 9 years we've been together.)

So you think them texting/calling him directly would be a better fit than him popping in for 5 minutes, using you and your daughter as cover, to participate in a FaceTime call. You are justifying your husband being a brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

Well, this is a great way to escalate unnecessarily. Why can’t the calls be what both parties want instead of just what one person dictates?

Grandma is expressing her frustration so I’m not sure why mom/wife cannot do the same. These in-laws sound super pushy. I don’t think it is so strange to say “you are being pushy and it may backfire”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

I would absolutely say the bolded part, but not the second part. I do think she's being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, stop being so ridiculous. These calls are for you to talk to our daughter. If you are just going to complain, we can do them once a month instead.”

Well, this is a great way to escalate unnecessarily. Why can’t the calls be what both parties want instead of just what one person dictates?

Because OP's DH and mother want different things. I would have thought this was obvious.

Anyone can choose to opt out of all, or part, of a conversation. OP's mother will have to learn to deal with this (and not make comments comparing the DH to other kids' spouses, which is not likely to help matters).

[Anonymous]

My MIL is very chatty on the phone/facetime, and I am more like your husband. I prefer to say hello real quick and then hand things over to my DH or Kids. I love them, but find the conversations completely draining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.

Completely disagree.

I have some social anxiety and facetime is the worst for me. I can't stand it. I hate sitting there having people stare at my face. I can't even put into words why I hate it so much.

I visit my inlaws in person often and I'm very polite: I talk, ask them questions and am very animated (but it takes a lot out of me and makes me tired). I view facetime calls as DH's chore. It frees me up to do other things while he's on the phone. They aren't my parents, they're his. I facilitate calls to my parents with the kids.

Strangely enough, I'm a manager and am on video calls multiple times a day at work. It doesn't stress me out and I think it's because in those calls I'm speaking, there's a purpose and I'm not being judged. Making fake small talk is hell.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to learn to deal with his poor social skills. Having a young child is going to offer more opportunities to interact with others, he needs to be able to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here; another point I wanted to add, if they're so interested in communicating with DH, they have his phone number, and they're more than welcome to text/call him (which they've never done in the 9 years we've been together.)

That’s another friendship level, though - to text out of the blue. They need to feel comfortable with him first.

NP. I answer all texts very promptly. I refuse to facetime my inlaws. I am not comfortable with facetime.