What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

I could write a book on my former neighbor the child therapist and his crazy sociopath wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry I wasn't the parent you needed me to be. I hope you can find peace and the help you need. I am here for you and want to support you as best I can.

This!! I also went to therapy around 28 as really strongly suggested by my mom. I actually had no major issues but she wanted me to "fix" something in my behavior. Through therapy work and actually remembering and going through the interactions with my parents as a kid and teen and young adult it was clear that their good intentions weren't helping me. They were trying to raise the child they wanted to have instead of the one we had. I got some good advice on how to approach my relationship and interactions with them. And its been much better. Also because we had some very frank conversations with my mom and her expectations and how she talks with me. She realized she meant well but it wasn't working so shes much more unconditionally supportive now. And doesn't start every conversation with "well thats a stupid idea, you should do this and this instead". She listens! And asks if she can offer advice instead. Of course I'm 40 now and she still tells me not to slouch. Because thats helped and changed something in the 40 years she's been telling me to stand up straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

God, this. OP, how would you feel if your mother told you she had done the best she could?

I’m sure my kids will someday tell me all the ways I skewed up. I definitely don’t look forward to it but I know I’m not perfect and no matter how hard I try I won’t do everything right for them.

Does anyone know a perfect parent out there? My mom made tons of mistakes but I never got the impression that she did anything purposely to hurt me. So I accept that her love was flawed but that at the same time she tried her best. I also get to decide as an adult what level of relationship I want with her without being overtly mean by going to her with a laundry list of grievances. Why must everyone nowadays blame others without looking at intentions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

OP, the bolded above makes me think that there was A LOT going on at home that you are divulging here. If I grew up in a strict, extremist, religious household that forced me to homeschool during childhood, I would not be speaking to my parents at present. That's a level of toxicity that can tank adulthood, as well. Sorry, but there is usually some hardcore fire and brimstone going on there - particularly when it is enough to send an adult child to therapy.

OP, I would suggest that YOU go to therapy yourself. There's a lot here that you're not telling us (abuse? extremist views? oppression?). You should work through those issues first. You may realize why DS was a "difficult child" as you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

You'll understand when you have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

[Anonymous]

Are you accepting of him, if he has rejected you religion? At this point I'm guessing he has been out of the home and away from homeschooling for a long time. He has had plenty of time as an adult to find his way and his happiness.

I would simply say that I am happy to hear he is seeking help and working on feeling healthy.

[Anonymous]

You have to be really careful with therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

You'll understand when you have a baby.

DP, but no.

My parents were/are emotionally immature people who blamed their children for their own unhappiness. We were always told that it was our bad behavior that caused their unhappiness, that if we just learned to behave then our family could be content. This is how I was raised.

As an adult with my own child, I now fully understand that my siblings and I were NOT uniquely bad kids. We were kids. We were learning how the world worked and we made mistakes. Probably more than most because our parents offered very little in the way of guidance. Our home life was chaotic and stressful because our parents, THE ADULTS, did not have the skill set necessary to create a peaceful and calm home life. They blamed us because it was easier than taking responsibility themselves. They told themselves that they just got unlucky and had bad kids, and were jealous of people with good kids who had obviously just lucked in it.

My parents now fluctuate from telling me how bad my kid is (for doing normal things like whining about being bored, being excited and running around, asking for sweets, or wanting to do things other than sit around and listen to her grandparents talk about their health problems), and marveling how "lucky" I am that despite all this, my DD is kind, affectionate, well-behaved at school, honest with us, and compliant with our household rules. They don't understand that those things are related. We don't have unrealistic expectations of our child and we understand it is our job to help her learn how to behave, though support and teaching, not yelling and berating. Our kid is a "good kid" because we are good parents. It has very little to do with luck, unless you count how lucky my kid is that her mom went to therapy for 20 years before having her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

God, this. OP, how would you feel if your mother told you she had done the best she could?

I’m sure my kids will someday tell me all the ways I skewed up. I definitely don’t look forward to it but I know I’m not perfect and no matter how hard I try I won’t do everything right for them.

Does anyone know a perfect parent out there? My mom made tons of mistakes but I never got the impression that she did anything purposely to hurt me. So I accept that her love was flawed but that at the same time she tried her best. I also get to decide as an adult what level of relationship I want with her without being overtly mean by going to her with a laundry list of grievances. Why must everyone nowadays blame others without looking at intentions?

No there are no perfect parents. Doesn’t matter. If we withheld our apologies for only times when we were not trying our best, intentionally hurting others, etc., apologies would be rare indeed. The vast majority of people are doing their best. They are trying hard. But sometimes our best just isn’t enough, and we can validate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

You'll understand when you have a baby.

DP, but no.

My parents were/are emotionally immature people who blamed their children for their own unhappiness. We were always told that it was our bad behavior that caused their unhappiness, that if we just learned to behave then our family could be content. This is how I was raised.

As an adult with my own child, I now fully understand that my siblings and I were NOT uniquely bad kids. We were kids. We were learning how the world worked and we made mistakes. Probably more than most because our parents offered very little in the way of guidance. Our home life was chaotic and stressful because our parents, THE ADULTS, did not have the skill set necessary to create a peaceful and calm home life. They blamed us because it was easier than taking responsibility themselves. They told themselves that they just got unlucky and had bad kids, and were jealous of people with good kids who had obviously just lucked in it.

My parents now fluctuate from telling me how bad my kid is (for doing normal things like whining about being bored, being excited and running around, asking for sweets, or wanting to do things other than sit around and listen to her grandparents talk about their health problems), and marveling how "lucky" I am that despite all this, my DD is kind, affectionate, well-behaved at school, honest with us, and compliant with our household rules. They don't understand that those things are related. We don't have unrealistic expectations of our child and we understand it is our job to help her learn how to behave, though support and teaching, not yelling and berating. Our kid is a "good kid" because we are good parents. It has very little to do with luck, unless you count how lucky my kid is that her mom went to therapy for 20 years before having her.

So well said. I could have written this, right done to the 20 years of therapy!

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like it was your fault.