Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.[/quote]

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. [b]He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off.[/b]  If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.[/quote]

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.[/quote]

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.[/quote]

Nope![/quote]

You'll understand when you have a baby.[/quote]

DP, but no.

My parents were/are emotionally immature people who blamed their children for their own unhappiness. We were always told that it was our bad behavior that caused their unhappiness, that if we just learned to behave then our family could be content. This is how I was raised.

As an adult with my own child, I now fully understand that my siblings and I were NOT uniquely bad kids. We were kids. We were learning how the world worked and we made mistakes. Probably more than most because our parents offered very little in the way of guidance. Our home life was chaotic and stressful because our parents, THE ADULTS, did not have the skill set necessary to create a peaceful and calm home life. They blamed us because it was easier than taking responsibility themselves. They told themselves that they just got unlucky and had bad kids, and were jealous of people with good kids who had obviously just lucked in it.

My parents now fluctuate from telling me how bad my kid is (for doing normal things like whining about being bored, being excited and running around, asking for sweets, or wanting to do things other than sit around and listen to her grandparents talk about their health problems), and marveling how "lucky" I am that despite all this, my DD is kind, affectionate, well-behaved at school, honest with us, and compliant with our household rules. They don't understand that those things are related. We don't have unrealistic expectations of our child and we understand it is our job to help her learn how to behave, though support and teaching, not yelling and berating. Our kid is a "good kid" because we are good parents. It has very little to do with luck, unless you count how lucky my kid is that her mom went to therapy for 20 years before having her.[/quote]

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