Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's tricky and definitely a good thing to vent about to your people.

I can't see myself caring for a man who would drop the mother of his children when she's going through cancer. I'd want him to be compassionate, not just for his kids' sake, but for their mother and his former partner. Of course, as a new partner, there would be moments of insecurity I'm sure, but I'd just have to adult my way through those.

I wouldn't go into it pulling back. He might interpret that as you not caring very much. At this point he probably doesn't know what he needs, so I'd just play it by ear.

I lead a Girl Scout troop and I've gotten to observe many different types of not-together parents . . . from exes where the mom has MS and needs a lot of support from dad, to a non-traditional (one asexual plus one bisexual) who split up but share a duplex, to friends who got pregnant but never married and remain friends, to your more traditional divorced couple that tolerates each other and is married to other people, to a very contentious divorce where Dad can ONLY see the child during his visitation hours. I'm on the outside looking, so I can't tell you what happened along the way, but I definitely admire the couples that are able to remain friendly and even supportive of each of other. Best of all is when they're friends. I see their kids feeling very secure and not feeling like they have to "choose." I'd be glad to be dating a man who has figured out how to be a good co-parent with his ex, and I'd try to handle this situation with dignity and grace.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

My ex is a POS and he would still support me because I'm the mother of his children.

Huge sense of entitlement here. You want the benefits of marriage even though you left the marriage.

The average DCUM ex-husband would get very little support, if any, from his XW even though he is "the father of her children".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

This sounds insane and just unrealistic. Obligated, no? But this is someone you shared a life with and have children with. I'm divorced, as are several of my friends, and I can't imagine myself or any of them having this way of thinking if the ex/father of the kids had cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

This sounds insane and just unrealistic. Obligated, no? But this is someone you shared a life with and have children with. I'm divorced, as are several of my friends, and I can't imagine myself or any of them having this way of thinking if the ex/father of the kids had cancer.

I was the XW who just dealt with something similar. My XH is remarried and has a new family. The extent of my helping him when he went through his treatments was to ask how he was doing on the rare occasions I saw him, and to support my kids with their complicated feelings about the situation. I really don’t think that makes me heartless. But he’s no longer my husband and he’s someone else’s responsibility. If the tables were flipped my XH, who I get along with just fine, is probably about the last person I’d lean on for help.

So I don’t see why they OPs boyfriend has any responsibility outside of making sure his kids are okay.

Op how old are the kids and how long have they been divorced?

[Anonymous]

I would literally die if my exH tries to be on my bed side when I am sick. Seeing his lying face would be the last nail in my coffin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

Yep. Taking care of the kids more is one thing. But talking with her and driving her to chemo etc? Not is role or obligation unless he truly wants to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

Found the second-rate second wife and evil stepmother.

[Anonymous]

What is the prognosis for the wife? I only ask because like, if this is thyroid cancer and she's going to be a-ok in six months, that is a little different than stage 4 cervical cancer where you may be looking at multiple years of treatment and her eventual death. Or something in the middle like serious breast cancer where the intensity of the fear of loss, but not actual loss, might bring them back together.

I think other posters who said that the kids are paramount is correct. And so I would first, take his lead and have an honest conversation about this. Not accusatory just like, 'Dave, I know this is a lot right now, I love you, I want to be there for you in a way that you need, but I don't want to be a burden and be involved in a way that is inappropriate. I'm going to just be supportive but try not to interfere but please communicate with me about what you need or if I'm doing something that is making this harder'. Something like that.

And then, because you do think this has potential, I would be supportive and put myself on the backburner for the next six months while she's going through treatment and reevaluate. Show up with dinners occasionally, let him talk about his feelings. Help him run errands that help with the kids (like picking up groceries or something that you can help with without like, MEETING the kids). And then in a few months when you are on the other side of treatment and mom's future is more clear, you can reevaluate and see where you are.

My DH and I had been dating six months when my brother died, suddenly and unexpectedly and YOUNG, and my DH just for months kind of just metaphorically sat beside me, supported me when he could, made sure I ate when no one else was watching out for me. I knew we'd get married then, years before it happened. Being the right kind of supportive in these situations, the person who just is THERE but isn't making it about them, that can forge your love in a fire, make it strong. But it will require you to take a backseat for awhile, and that is REALLY HARD in a new relationship when you're already feeling things out. So it is no knock on you to acknowledge that this will be hard AF.

Good luck, you seem like a good person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

The bolded is correct, but if he does help her, it speaks great volumes about his character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

I realize the "ring theory" is a trendy internet thing, but it does not work for an actual adult relationship, at least not beyond a few weeks of emergency.

I think this all depends on what OP wants. If she's ok with radically reduced expectations and just wants companionship a few times a month, then NBD. If she wants a "real" relationship, and is not comfortable with a long hiatus, it's probably not this, not now. Relationships especially at the beginning require a lot of time and he's just not going to have the time for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

Yep. Taking care of the kids more is one thing. But talking with her and driving her to chemo etc? Not is role or obligation unless he truly wants to

Geez that's harsh. I guess we never know exactly what kind of breakup they had. But I certainly hope my stbx would drive me to chemo if I needed it! And I know I would be totally beside myself worrying about what would happen to our kids, so I'd need to have many discussions about that.

[Anonymous]

As sad as your boyfriend’s ex’s situation is (note my word choice) I’d worry that you’ll be sitting around waiting on him to call. Of course you can go out and do other things, but you know what I’ve mean, most of us have gone about our lives with one ear/eye cocked for the guy or gal you want to call you. Do you want to live like that? I wouldn’t.

I also worry that you’ll be reduced to an f**ck buddy, after all he’s just so tired and stressed, and you’re his “girlfriend” right? Is this also acceptable to you?

A third option is that you’ll become an unpaid sitter for his kids, his house, his dog that sort of thing.

If it were me, I’d be out of there. Do you know his ex? Is she someone you’d want to help? Will she accept you taking her to chemo or will she be “uncomfortable” with that?

If you and the boyfriend will be having the kids more often so it means that you’ll probably be taking the kids to the pool when you’d normally be going to a winery, that might be fine if you want that kind of lifestyle. I’m married, so taking the kids to the pool is what I do on the regular, I’mnot sure I’d want to take kids that weren’t mine to the pool not when my kids weren’t present, not when I was looking for a different type of relationship, you mention dinner and clubs now, I get the sense you are doing some adult behavior that may not be compatible with children around.
Bottom line, it kind of sounds like he wants to be back with the ex and cancer is a great excuse. He doesn’t have to jump in 100 percent, not for a woman he has no legal relationship with.. might he still be married? He also doesn’t have to support her emotionally or be her friend. He has you, why can’t he support you emotionally and be your friend? You matter too. You certainly don’t want to date someone who says “well you don’t have cancer therefore you have no problems” which is what looks like is about to happen. You matter just as much as the ex, and if he doesn’t feel that way, he’s free to end the relationship, something he isn’t doing. Reminds me of the adage “there are people who will f**ck you but not kiss you”. He sounds like one of those.

It’s also not lost on me that during the first normal summer we’ve had in 2 years, he’s prioritizing the needs of another woman and leaving you in a no-man’s (or should I say no woman’s land. You’re posting here, not talking with him. He isn’t breaking up with you either, why not? He isn’t telling you what he would like from you, why not? Believe me, he knows what he’s doing and it isn’t good for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Update; I now have more information. His ex's cancer is unfortunately already at Stage 4 and the prognosis is not good. So, we've had some very heavy conversations lately. We've only been dating for a short time and now I'm trying to support him through possibly becoming an "only" parent.

Of course, I also wonder what that would mean for us in the future (and my role if we stay together long-term).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Update; I now have more information. His ex's cancer is unfortunately already at Stage 4 and the prognosis is not good. So, we've had some very heavy conversations lately. We've only been dating for a short time and now I'm trying to support him through possibly becoming an "only" parent.

Of course, I also wonder what that would mean for us in the future (and my role if we stay together long-term).

Don’t rush. I know cases when people survived for over 5 years with stage 4