Reply to Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

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[quote=Anonymous]What is the prognosis for the wife? I only ask because like, if this is thyroid cancer and she's going to be a-ok in six months, that is a little different than stage 4 cervical cancer where you may be looking at multiple years of treatment and her eventual death. Or something in the middle like serious breast cancer where the intensity of the fear of loss, but not actual loss, might bring them back together.

I think other posters who said that the kids are paramount is correct. And so I would first, take his lead and have an honest conversation about this. Not accusatory just like, 'Dave, I know this is a lot right now, I love you, I want to be there for you in a way that you need, but I don't want to be a burden and be involved in a way that is inappropriate. I'm going to just be supportive but try not to interfere but please communicate with me about what you need or if I'm doing something that is making this harder'. Something like that.

And then, because you do think this has potential, I would be supportive and put myself on the backburner for the next six months while she's going through treatment and reevaluate. Show up with dinners occasionally, let him talk about his feelings. Help him run errands that help with the kids (like picking up groceries or something that you can help with without like, MEETING the kids). And then in a few months when you are on the other side of treatment and mom's future is more clear, you can reevaluate and see where you are.

My DH and I had been dating six months when my brother died, suddenly and unexpectedly and YOUNG, and my DH just for months kind of just metaphorically sat beside me, supported me when he could, made sure I ate when no one else was watching out for me. I knew we'd get married then, years before it happened. Being the right kind of supportive in these situations, the person who just is THERE but isn't making it about them, that can forge your love in a fire, make it strong. But it will require you to take a backseat for awhile, and that is REALLY HARD in a new relationship when you're already feeling things out. So it is no knock on you to acknowledge that this will be hard AF.

Good luck, you seem like a good person! [/quote]

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