Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex.

If he does, then this is an example of why you don't want to date a man who hasn't really emotionally disengaged himself from his ex.

Support for a divorced spouse should never be unconditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

This is probably the best response so far. Agree with just stay flexible and available to help. Having been through just radiation myself last year, I will say it was very exhausting (much more so than I expected it to be!) and your bf will probably be spending alot more time taking care of the kids than he does now. Just roll with it and be supportive.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to do or proclaim anything. Just graciously follow his lead.

[Anonymous]

You ask what can I do to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Even if he didn't have an obligation, she might die. I think he would probably prefer to have a co-parent for his kid than take care of everything himself. If his support can make a difference to her that will make a difference to the kids.

Anyway, he probably does still care about her a lot as a person. Just because they went their separate ways does not erase the significance of a history that ended in kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

No. Be kind, sure. But not at all costs, and there is no reason ever to let yourself be used or mistreated. Not saying this will happen, but you are nobody's emotional dumping ground, nor should you be. Especially after only 5 months.

+1 not at all costs.

i would say just talk to him about this, and also be prepared that things might change during the course of this - and be ready to reevaluate how this is going for yourself as that happens. you are not married to this man. you haven't signed up to stand by him while he takes care of an ex (if that's what actually happens). on the other hand, if you see him being compassionate and caring during this, it might be a good clue to you that he really is a good long term partner - you'd want someone who would care for you if you were sick.

but also, if you were in this because dinner out a few times a week is what you're up for, you are not obligated to stay committed in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him, I'm not going anywhere -- I understand your energy and time has to go elsewhere this summer, and I hope I can be of support. Let me know what you need.

Meanwhile, make plans for you that support you so you don't feel like you're putting everything on hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Even if he didn't have an obligation, she might die. I think he would probably prefer to have a co-parent for his kid than take care of everything himself. If his support can make a difference to her that will make a difference to the kids.

Anyway, he probably does still care about her a lot as a person. Just because they went their separate ways does not erase the significance of a history that ended in kids.

Haw, just ask any divorced man on here how much "lingering affection" his XW has for him and how much she cares about him as a person. Most XWs are indifferent or hostile to their XH and won't do anything even mildly inconvenient for him let alone provide "unconditional support" if he had a serious illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

Do you share children with that ex? Because he will most likely have to spend more time caring for them. I think that's what will likely be the biggest issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

This is probably the best response so far. Agree with just stay flexible and available to help. Having been through just radiation myself last year, I will say it was very exhausting (much more so than I expected it to be!) and your bf will probably be spending alot more time taking care of the kids than he does now. Just roll with it and be supportive.

Not really. Nobody needs to anything "at all costs", nor be around to let a BF of five months "dumpe emotions, chores, anger, etc". Good grief. Of course she should expect him to take care of his kids more. But what she should really do is have a conversation with her BF to see what he wants, stay flexible, and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same OP who wasn't invited/didn't expect to be invited to the pool party that his kid and ex were going to be at? Feels similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Even if he didn't have an obligation, she might die. I think he would probably prefer to have a co-parent for his kid than take care of everything himself. If his support can make a difference to her that will make a difference to the kids.

Anyway, he probably does still care about her a lot as a person. Just because they went their separate ways does not erase the significance of a history that ended in kids.

Haw, just ask any divorced man on here how much "lingering affection" his XW has for him and how much she cares about him as a person. Most XWs are indifferent or hostile to their XH and won't do anything even mildly inconvenient for him let alone provide "unconditional support" if he had a serious illness.

I wouldn't spit on my XH if he caught on fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask what can I do to help?

This. Be there for him, be there for her. Be a good person.

[Anonymous]

That's tricky and definitely a good thing to vent about to your people.

I can't see myself caring for a man who would drop the mother of his children when she's going through cancer. I'd want him to be compassionate, not just for his kids' sake, but for their mother and his former partner. Of course, as a new partner, there would be moments of insecurity I'm sure, but I'd just have to adult my way through those.

I wouldn't go into it pulling back. He might interpret that as you not caring very much. At this point he probably doesn't know what he needs, so I'd just play it by ear.

I lead a Girl Scout troop and I've gotten to observe many different types of not-together parents . . . from exes where the mom has MS and needs a lot of support from dad, to a non-traditional (one asexual plus one bisexual) who split up but share a duplex, to friends who got pregnant but never married and remain friends, to your more traditional divorced couple that tolerates each other and is married to other people, to a very contentious divorce where Dad can ONLY see the child during his visitation hours. I'm on the outside looking, so I can't tell you what happened along the way, but I definitely admire the couples that are able to remain friendly and even supportive of each of other. Best of all is when they're friends. I see their kids feeling very secure and not feeling like they have to "choose." I'd be glad to be dating a man who has figured out how to be a good co-parent with his ex, and I'd try to handle this situation with dignity and grace.