Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

[Anonymous]

I think you are over-thinking this. Just go with the flow, be supportive, offer to help. Maybe it will turn out that this isn't the right time for a relationship for him, and you guys will split. But you don't have to pre-emptively break up with him. It's weird that you even considering that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.

He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?

Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!

Op think about yourself and your well being. I wasn’t entirely in your shoes but my dh’s mom was sick with terminal illness and I stuck with him through the ride. It will take almost everything out of you and him. I wouldn’t if I were you and move on if you are trying to accomplish career related goals or other important goals in your life. Im sorry you 5 month relationship is not worth this imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.

He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?

Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!

Op think about yourself and your well being. I wasn’t entirely in your shoes but my dh’s mom was sick with terminal illness and I stuck with him through the ride. It will take almost everything out of you and him. I wouldn’t if I were you and move on if you are trying to accomplish career related goals or other important goals in your life. Im sorry you 5 month relationship is not worth this imo.

Wouldn't she have more time to focus on career, since she'll be spending less time with him?

[Anonymous]

I can see why he would have to step in and take care of kids, finance her care, order online groceries etc, but being a friend and cry shoulder for his exW? I would not want to be around as a girlfriend in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Even if he didn't have an obligation, she might die. I think he would probably prefer to have a co-parent for his kid than take care of everything himself. If his support can make a difference to her that will make a difference to the kids.

Anyway, he probably does still care about her a lot as a person. Just because they went their separate ways does not erase the significance of a history that ended in kids.

Haw, just ask any divorced man on here how much "lingering affection" his XW has for him and how much she cares about him as a person. Most XWs are indifferent or hostile to their XH and won't do anything even mildly inconvenient for him let alone provide "unconditional support" if he had a serious illness.

I wouldn't spit on my XH if he caught on fire.

Agreed, spit wouldn't put out the fire so why waste the spit, right? But you *would* pee on him, wouldn't you? That would douse the flames and probably sanitize any wounds. That's the kind and decent thing to do.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of hysteria going on in this thread. People are making all kinds of assumptions about what his support of his ex will entail and proclaiming it inappropriate before any of it has even begun.

OP, for now just take it as it comes. There is no need for big decisions or proclamations because you have no idea how it will turn out and how much support she will actually need or want from your boyfriend. If there comes a time down the road where it’s making you uncomfortable or putting a strain on your relationship, that is the time to evaluate how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

If you think there is potential for a long term relationship then you let him know that you are here to support him and that you also understand that his kids will always be his most important focus. Keep the lines of communications open. I see his support of his ex slightly differently than a few of the pp. While he may not want to be married to this woman, they have kids together. The kids come first, ALWAYS. He sounds like a great guy that understands that what his kids need right now is a dad that is strong enough to put differences aside and help their mom. If you always remember that he is helping his kids mom, instead of helping his ex, it might help your perspective. And if getting married is ever in your future his kids will remember how you act this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

My ex is a POS and he would still support me because I'm the mother of his children.

[Anonymous]

I would let him lead. Meaning keep doing what you’re doing and see how things shake out and then adjust yourself accordingly. You could say something like “let me know what you need or don’t need. I just want to be helpful” and let him tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

This is probably the best response so far. Agree with just stay flexible and available to help. Having been through just radiation myself last year, I will say it was very exhausting (much more so than I expected it to be!) and your bf will probably be spending alot more time taking care of the kids than he does now. Just roll with it and be supportive.

Not really. Nobody needs to anything "at all costs", nor be around to let a BF of five months "dumpe emotions, chores, anger, etc". Good grief. Of course she should expect him to take care of his kids more. But what she should really do is have a conversation with her BF to see what he wants, stay flexible, and take it from there.

I'm the PP here ... I'd say it is almost alway imperative to be kind and generous ... you are right, "at all costs" is pushing it, but really? Don't you want to be a kind and generous person? Yeah, he's got to dump to somebody - it may be the OP, it may be somebody else. What I was trying to say was that she should not dump her frustrations about the situation on him. Make sense?

And the first thing I said was talk to him and be flexible. I stand by my response.

[Anonymous]

I once had started dating someone who started having chemo shortly thereafter. His s ex came to help and I didn't hear from him for the 2 weeks while she was here. Then he texted me again like nothing happened once she left.

So, things might get weird, but I hope they don't. You're gonna have to see how it plays out. You may not see him as often, and you have to be ok with it for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.

He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?

Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!

Why don’t you ask him what he needs instead of trying to tell him what you think he should do. I really dislike people like this. You’ve already decided what you think he needs to do. Nothing has been communicated. You’re looking for a solution without a problem. Honestly, I’d dump you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.

Sheesh I don’t know how you read this as abandonment. I read it as an extremely gracious offer. The mother of his children is ill, and things are already complicated with his kids and any feelings towards their fathers girlfriend. It is very selfless of OP to ask what her bf needs and what he thinks would be best for his children and him during a terrible time. You approaching this with much empathy, OP. I would ask him how he feels comfortable with your presence during this time- whether that’s space for his childrens sake or his own, or just flexibility while continuing your relationship.

[Anonymous]

How young are these kids? DH's ex-wife is terminally ill but DH's kids are middle-aged and they are the ones who are running the show with DoorDash orders, trips to hospices etc. DH is pretty much a bystander and will offer a listening ear but doesn't do anything for the ex who has remarried anyway.