Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It’s also not lost on me that during the first normal summer we’ve had in 2 years, he’s prioritizing the needs of another woman and leaving you in a no-man’s (or should I say no woman’s land. You’re posting here, not talking with him. He isn’t breaking up with you either, why not? He isn’t telling you what he would like from you, why not? Believe me, he knows what he’s doing and it isn’t good for you.

Half the comments here are "he is a heartless monster if he doesn't help his ex" and the other half are "if he helps his ex he's prioritizing her over you and you should dump him".

The poor guy is wrong no matter what he does!

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread but I'll just put out there that when my mom had cancer she was really wiped out for a few days after the chemo but then she was ok until her next treatment. Not like running marathons ok but she was fine hanging out with the kids. Obviously, I don't know how old the kids are but if you guys are 40s I'm guessing they are 5+ so not like the intensity of a baby/toddler. Anyways, that's just to say that he might not need to take them 100%, maybe like 80% so that would leave some time for you guys.

[Anonymous]

^Edit: Other options are that he can get a babysitter for when they go to bed and you guys can have a date or perhaps you can both take a day off work once or twice a month and spend that together.

[Anonymous]

I would step in subtly where I can, maybe in places your DH isn't strong- I'd bake a banana bread for her and send it with the kids, make sure she has your contact info if she has the kids and doesn't feel well and DH is unreachable, etc. A little good will goes a long way, especially when kids are involved. They will feel more secure with a unified front among all their adults during this scary time. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

He needs to support his Ex for the sake of the children. They will remember how he acts during this time and it can affect their relationship, especially if their mother dies. If he cares about his kids, he will support the Ex through this -- for them. He likely does care about his Ex in some capacity as most normal people in this situation would. When bad things happen, good people show up regardless of whether they are obligated to or not. Your ex was not a good person, and especially so if you share children together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would step in subtly where I can, maybe in places your DH isn't strong- I'd bake a banana bread for her and send it with the kids, make sure she has your contact info if she has the kids and doesn't feel well and DH is unreachable, etc. A little good will goes a long way, especially when kids are involved. They will feel more secure with a unified front among all their adults during this scary time. Hugs.

Are you a divorced mom? I doubt it. The above suggestions would be seen as odd and abnormal things for most five month girlfriends to do via a vis a boyfriends ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow! so heartless. This is his kids' mother. Not just some ex. You have no heart, pp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They are divorced. 75% chance it was her idea. If she wanted unconditional support, in sickness and in health, she should have stayed married.

If he chooses to help her, that's his decision, but it remains absolutely the case that he has no obligation to do so.

Yep. Taking care of the kids more is one thing. But talking with her and driving her to chemo etc? Not is role or obligation unless he truly wants to

Geez that's harsh. I guess we never know exactly what kind of breakup they had. But I certainly hope my stbx would drive me to chemo if I needed it! And I know I would be totally beside myself worrying about what would happen to our kids, so I'd need to have many discussions about that.

If you want your soon to be ex to drive you to chemo, stay married
to him or her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would step in subtly where I can, maybe in places your DH isn't strong- I'd bake a banana bread for her and send it with the kids, make sure she has your contact info if she has the kids and doesn't feel well and DH is unreachable, etc. A little good will goes a long way, especially when kids are involved. They will feel more secure with a unified front among all their adults during this scary time. Hugs.

Are you a divorced mom? I doubt it. The above suggestions would be seen as odd and abnormal things for most five month girlfriends to do via a vis a boyfriends ex

Not a divorced mom, but I was a child in this situation and I will never forget the kindness my mom's new bf showed my dad during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would step in subtly where I can, maybe in places your DH isn't strong- I'd bake a banana bread for her and send it with the kids, make sure she has your contact info if she has the kids and doesn't feel well and DH is unreachable, etc. A little good will goes a long way, especially when kids are involved. They will feel more secure with a unified front among all their adults during this scary time. Hugs.

Are you a divorced mom? I doubt it. The above suggestions would be seen as odd and abnormal things for most five month girlfriends to do via a vis a boyfriends ex

I damn sure wouldn't want banana bread or anything else for that matter from my ex-husband's girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s also not lost on me that during the first normal summer we’ve had in 2 years, he’s prioritizing the needs of another woman and leaving you in a no-man’s (or should I say no woman’s land. You’re posting here, not talking with him. He isn’t breaking up with you either, why not? He isn’t telling you what he would like from you, why not? Believe me, he knows what he’s doing and it isn’t good for you.

Half the comments here are "he is a heartless monster if he doesn't help his ex" and the other half are "if he helps his ex he's prioritizing her over you and you should dump him".

The poor guy is wrong no matter what he does!

There are some real loons posting on this thread. Mostly the ones thinking the boyfriend should be treating his sick ex like dog poop in her hour of need. Uh, there are a couple of kids who may lose their mom? OP seems genuinely kind and looking for calm guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

Once you are divorced, you have no more obligation to your ex than you do to any other friend or acquaintance. Pick any friend you know. If they got cancer, would you drop everything else in your life to "support" her? I doubt it. And certainly "basic human decency" does not require that you do.

I had a life-threatening illness in 2020 and my ex didn't do much to support me. My ex didn't visit me in the hospital or at home after I was discharged; I had another friend who did. But I wasn't mad, because I didn't expect my ex to do that.

He needs to support his Ex for the sake of the children. They will remember how he acts during this time and it can affect their relationship, especially if their mother dies. If he cares about his kids, he will support the Ex through this -- for them. He likely does care about his Ex in some capacity as most normal people in this situation would. When bad things happen, good people show up regardless of whether they are obligated to or not. Your ex was not a good person, and especially so if you share children together.

Seriously the people responding to this thread are either not divorced and/or have never dealt with this situation. For those married people out there the thought of your former spouse NOT being the person to rely on and who takes care of you when you get sick must be absolutely terrifying. But as a former spouse your responsibility is 100% to your children. You support them and you make sure they’re okay and dealing with things in an appropriate way. If you need to step up your childcare to accommodate your former spouses medical appointments you do that. But I can’t think of any divorced person who would rely on, expect or even want their XH or XW to be actively involved when they’re facing a health scare. Seriously, they’re probably the last person in the world that would be wanted in that capacity. It’s not heartless, it’s just life. This person is no longer your person and frankly no longer your responsibility. Be kind and a decent human but there’s no obligation to do anything more than support the kids.

[Anonymous]

The first thing my crook exH did during separation was to remove me from life insurance, will and his corporate insurance. Divorce is about getting everything separate, a complete reversal of marriage woes. First, I would have never asked or wanted him to be around if I get sick.
Second, if he came out of a sudden to "take care" of me after the divorce, I would think he has a financial interest to stick around