Tricky situation- new boyfriend's ex is sick

[Anonymous]

I've been in a new relationship with a great guy for the past 5 months. We're both 40's, divorced, with kids. He's been divorced for less than a year, and his ex just told him that she has cancer, and will need radiation and chemo for 2 months this summer.

He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

I am wondering how best to handle this gracefully- should I step back and tell him we should take that time apart so he can focus on that? Or just continue and offer my full support and care for him, as the caregiver?

Any tips on navigating this are appreciated!

[Anonymous]

I think you should have an honest conversation with him about what he needs. I would presume it will end up being on the middle of the two options you presented.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what the first option accomplishes, because it’s basically saying that your not in this relationship for the rough times and aren’t interested in being there for him. If you think the relationship has long term potential, the only option here is to stick by him and support him through this. If you don’t think this relationship has long-term potential, it’s better for both of you to just make a clean break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what the first option accomplishes, because it’s basically saying that your not in this relationship for the rough times and aren’t interested in being there for him. If you think the relationship has long term potential, the only option here is to stick by him and support him through this. If you don’t think this relationship has long-term potential, it’s better for both of you to just make a clean break.

op: I do think it has long-term potential. He has said before that he never wants to let anyone down, and get stretched thin sometimes, so I just don't want to put any pressure on him to nurture our newish relationship. Currently, we go out 2-3x/week to dinner, clubs, etc.

[Anonymous]

The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.

op: no, I don't want to abandon him at all. I just wonder if he wouldn't feel like he has the time to be in a relationship with everything going on, and if that would be added pressure on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what the first option accomplishes, because it’s basically saying that your not in this relationship for the rough times and aren’t interested in being there for him. If you think the relationship has long term potential, the only option here is to stick by him and support him through this. If you don’t think this relationship has long-term potential, it’s better for both of you to just make a clean break.

op: I do think it has long-term potential. He has said before that he never wants to let anyone down, and get stretched thin sometimes, so I just don't want to put any pressure on him to nurture our newish relationship. Currently, we go out 2-3x/week to dinner, clubs, etc.

Stop....putting yourself in this position where you dont deserve his attention, too.

Are you suggesting you break up so you can date other people while he focus on his ex?

Are you suggesting he goes off and takes care of his ex but gets to ignore you while you DONT date other people?

If you want a long term relationship with this guy, neither sounds like a good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.

That isn't how I read it. I think she's more insecure about where she ultimately stands and is trying to figure out how to do the right thing.

All I know is this: The kids come first. Whatever they need is paramount. If they haven't met you and he's now basically 100% in charge of them, you will probably have to fall by the wayside or your relationship at least will have to be on the backburner. Their needs are paramount. You know this, I hope. There may not be a role for you in all of this. Or at least a diminished one for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

[Anonymous]

Oof that's hard.

I'd probably tell him he might need time to think about it, so take some time if he needs.

Then if he wants to remain in a relationship I'd say that I plan to check in maybe every other Sunday to see how things are? No pressure, just want to do what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mother of his children has cancer and you want to abandon him? He should dump you.

op: no, I don't want to abandon him at all. I just wonder if he wouldn't feel like he has the time to be in a relationship with everything going on, and if that would be added pressure on him.

Just ask him. As you can tell by idiot PP, you're not going to get good answers here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is obviously going to jump in 100% and take care of the kids, support his ex physically/emotionally through chemo, be her friend, and do whatever he needs to do.

He should, obviously, take care of the kids, but he has no obligation to support his ex physically and emotionally and be her friend. That ended when the divorce was final.

Wow. Basic human decency toward his kids mom. He probably still feels some love/affection for her even if they weren't the right match. He has no legal obligation. But he might feel that he WANTS to do this for his ex and his children. But a huge, beautiful gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what he needs/wants. Be open and flexibile to change. He might THINK he needs XYZ now, but in a month he might actually find out that he needs ABC. That's OK.

Don't get jealous or insecure. Be kind and generous at all costs. Send her food and flowers with your BF once in a while.

You know what? You'd do the above for your co-workers so do it for somebody important to your BF.

Have you heard of the ring theory? Your BF's ex is in the middle. Your BF might be a ring around that. You are a ring outside that. You always support inward, and dump outward. So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex. He might "dump" (emotions, chores, anger, etc) outward (toward you!). You are there to support your BF (he's a ring inside yours) and you will dump out to another friend or therapist (or DCUM) as needed. But your complaints do not go further into the ring.

No. Be kind, sure. But not at all costs, and there is no reason ever to let yourself be used or mistreated. Not saying this will happen, but you are nobody's emotional dumping ground, nor should you be. Especially after only 5 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your BF will be unconditionally supporting his ex.

If he does, then this is an example of why you don't want to date a man who hasn't really emotionally disengaged himself from his ex.

Support for a divorced spouse should never be unconditional.