DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

[Anonymous]

I can’t blame OP. Most of us did not sign up for this massive lifestyle shift. No other generation in recent hastily has been asked to live and work in the same space for hours on end. Not like we’re all farmers tilling the fields from sunrise to sunset— many of us are are stuck at desks in our living rooms. For hours. Oh yes, and then the kids come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t blame OP. Most of us did not sign up for this massive lifestyle shift. No other generation in recent hastily has been asked to live and work in the same space for hours on end. Not like we’re all farmers tilling the fields from sunrise to sunset— many of us are are stuck at desks in our living rooms. For hours. Oh yes, and then the kids come home.

+1
I get you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

These are your two main issues. I totally get it. I have WFH for years, and having everyone all at home at once was a huge and difficult change for me. But DH understands that I need alone time...well, understands might not be the right word, but he recognizes it and accommodates it. He takes the kids out on the weekend to give me time alone to myself. I will sometimes say I just can't sit with the family for dinner, because I am completely people'd/social interactioned out for the day. Try to make this a conversation about what you need rather than what he's doing.

Good point. Your husband seems much less selfish than mine though. Mine wouldn't take the kids anywhere on the weekend unless is a sports game. If he takes them anywhere else, he expects me to come. He knows that I'm unhappy but simply doesn't care

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I actually in theory wanted my DH to embrace wfh at the start of the pandemic. For about a month, we used to have nice lunches together every day and he would say hi to the kids. The youngest could sneak in and give him a quick hug. But over time it made me feel even more like I was the nanny/housekeeper chef. He goes into and out of his office for hours. No set times, has been able to resume working as though the rest of us don’t exist. But he is still in and out for coffee or snacks or meals. We literally live our life separate again, but that “we can’t make too much noise” ie: kids playing loudly, music on, instrument practice, vacuum unless we know he doesn’t have a call. He isn’t at all volatile or mean about it, but his presence which essentially ignores us, impacts the rest of the household. Thankfully he does go into the office a few days a week and I feel like I can exhale. I don’t really know what it is. I guess in part I’m resentful that he feels this arrangement IS him being around more…but he really isn’t and is disruptive to the rest of our flow too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

thanks but you are wrong. I mentioned above, I'm an introvert, and he's an extrovert. he needs attention and socialization during the day but refuses to go to an office to get it. I cannot be his social outlet all day and night, every day.. not what I wanted in a marriage. Others may love this, but I do not, we are all entitled to our own feelings and opinions. He would get more action if he wasn't around 24/7... the constant togetherness has killed my interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

To be fair, she basically told him that she doesn't like him around and to get out of her space. It's his house too. In that situation, my response might also be suck it up, buttercup. The notion that she is entitled to work from home but he isn't because she started to do it first is pretty ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

OP, I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so sorry he is being utterly self-centered about this, because that's what you're depicting -- self-centeredness.

Since you've voice your concerns more than ocne, I'd suggest you script out what you are going to put on the table as specific options (don't wing it or improvise in the moment, lay it out in writiting if only for yourself), then schedule a talk with him. No kids around or about to come in the door; not at a time when he's got somewhere else to be in half an hour etc. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements and then have your specifics ready.

"When you say 'that's too bad, I like it the way it is,' I hear instead that my job, and the space and quiet I need to DO my job well, do not matter to you.'" If he says that's not what he means, say that whatever his intentions are in his own mind, you are expressing what you are hearing, especially from word as dismissive as "that's too bad" (a very immature construction, by the way). He can say all day "That's not what I mean" but you are telling him the message the words send to you.

"When you took over my home office neither of us could have known how long that would last, but it has been X months. I realize you like it, but this is not about what I like or what you like. This is about what was going to be a short-term thing becoming permanent, and it is not working for ME even if you like it. Because we're supposed to be partners, this half of the partnership is not doing well, and 'too bad, I like it' is a very one-sided way to live. We need to come up with a solution that works for both of us, and this is what I propose specifically...."

Tell him that you cannot go on doing your job and satisfying your employer without (a) a dedicated space where you can shut the door and (b) uninterrupted work time, treated as if you were in an office. These are non-negotiables. Offer whatever you have come up with - maybe he goes to his office two days and week, uses the home office two days a week, and is a "rover" in the house one day a week. Or you get you get the home office full time and he becomes the "rover" in the house as YOU have been for so long. Or, is there ANY space you can convert to an office space for him, even a basement den or guest bedroom if there is one? He also needs to agree that between certain hours he does not interrupt you nor you him. say, from 9-1 you are each in your own space and you don't come into each others' spaces. Maybe meet up for lunch in the dining room a few days a week to break up the day and satisfy his odd need to chit-chat and look over your shoulder?

All this may be moot if he just digs in and refuses to make any changes but I'd be sure I clearly said, "I am asking you to go in to your office a minimum of X days each week. I do not have any option for working elsewhere and you know this, but you DO have that option, and I am asking you to choose X days to work in your office for the sake of our marriage." If he thinks "for the sake of our marriage" is too dramatic? Well, tell him yes, it's pretty dramatic to be togehter 24/7 in ways that are making you dislike and resent him, so....that's a marriage issue.

I also hope you can eventually land some couples counseling or therapy because his digging in with "too bad" is an awful trait in a relationship, but that's no news to you. I really hope that a firm, scheduled, "time to see the light, buddy" talk will push him to alter things, even if he doesn't "like" the change. This is not about what he likes or doesn't like. It's about his treating you like a full partner in the relationship and home, and like a professional who needs to get work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

And then circumstances changed again when OP apparently found a new job, which means they need to revisit the home office arrangements.

But I get it, you are looking for excuses to shit all over an OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

You think that he should have worked from the kitchen while you weren't working at all, so you could keep your office to . . . not work?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

OP, I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so sorry he is being utterly self-centered about this, because that's what you're depicting -- self-centeredness.

Since you've voice your concerns more than ocne, I'd suggest you script out what you are going to put on the table as specific options (don't wing it or improvise in the moment, lay it out in writiting if only for yourself), then schedule a talk with him. No kids around or about to come in the door; not at a time when he's got somewhere else to be in half an hour etc. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements and then have your specifics ready.

"When you say 'that's too bad, I like it the way it is,' I hear instead that my job, and the space and quiet I need to DO my job well, do not matter to you.'" If he says that's not what he means, say that whatever his intentions are in his own mind, you are expressing what you are hearing, especially from word as dismissive as "that's too bad" (a very immature construction, by the way). He can say all day "That's not what I mean" but you are telling him the message the words send to you.

"When you took over my home office neither of us could have known how long that would last, but it has been X months. I realize you like it, but this is not about what I like or what you like. This is about what was going to be a short-term thing becoming permanent, and it is not working for ME even if you like it. Because we're supposed to be partners, this half of the partnership is not doing well, and 'too bad, I like it' is a very one-sided way to live. We need to come up with a solution that works for both of us, and this is what I propose specifically...."

Tell him that you cannot go on doing your job and satisfying your employer without (a) a dedicated space where you can shut the door and (b) uninterrupted work time, treated as if you were in an office. These are non-negotiables. Offer whatever you have come up with - maybe he goes to his office two days and week, uses the home office two days a week, and is a "rover" in the house one day a week. Or you get you get the home office full time and he becomes the "rover" in the house as YOU have been for so long. Or, is there ANY space you can convert to an office space for him, even a basement den or guest bedroom if there is one? He also needs to agree that between certain hours he does not interrupt you nor you him. say, from 9-1 you are each in your own space and you don't come into each others' spaces. Maybe meet up for lunch in the dining room a few days a week to break up the day and satisfy his odd need to chit-chat and look over your shoulder?

All this may be moot if he just digs in and refuses to make any changes but I'd be sure I clearly said, "I am asking you to go in to your office a minimum of X days each week. I do not have any option for working elsewhere and you know this, but you DO have that option, and I am asking you to choose X days to work in your office for the sake of our marriage." If he thinks "for the sake of our marriage" is too dramatic? Well, tell him yes, it's pretty dramatic to be togehter 24/7 in ways that are making you dislike and resent him, so....that's a marriage issue.

I also hope you can eventually land some couples counseling or therapy because his digging in with "too bad" is an awful trait in a relationship, but that's no news to you. I really hope that a firm, scheduled, "time to see the light, buddy" talk will push him to alter things, even if he doesn't "like" the change. This is not about what he likes or doesn't like. It's about his treating you like a full partner in the relationship and home, and like a professional who needs to get work done.

There's a lot of self-centeredness in this post, but OP is contributing her fair share too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

To be fair, she basically told him that she doesn't like him around and to get out of her space. It's his house too. In that situation, my response might also be suck it up, buttercup. The notion that she is entitled to work from home but he isn't because she started to do it first is pretty ridiculous.

DP. He's wandering in and constantly asking her what she's doing etc. He needs to suck THAT up and stop doing it. He has another option for where he works since he can go back to his office, but she does not have that option and her job involves making calls all day long so she can't do it from a library or coffee shop or wherever. "It's his house too" but it's her one and only workspace, and has been since before he took over her home office as well as constantly invading whatever other house space she works in , o he can bother her with unrelated chitchat and questions.

What's ridiculous is the way you're posting as if the DH is some poor, sad guy being lorded over in "his house." He's blatantly acting as if her job doesn't matter at all, only his does, and her time isn't valuable, only his is.