DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

OP, I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so sorry he is being utterly self-centered about this, because that's what you're depicting -- self-centeredness.

Since you've voice your concerns more than ocne, I'd suggest you script out what you are going to put on the table as specific options (don't wing it or improvise in the moment, lay it out in writiting if only for yourself), then schedule a talk with him. No kids around or about to come in the door; not at a time when he's got somewhere else to be in half an hour etc. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements and then have your specifics ready.

"When you say 'that's too bad, I like it the way it is,' I hear instead that my job, and the space and quiet I need to DO my job well, do not matter to you.'" If he says that's not what he means, say that whatever his intentions are in his own mind, you are expressing what you are hearing, especially from word as dismissive as "that's too bad" (a very immature construction, by the way). He can say all day "That's not what I mean" but you are telling him the message the words send to you.

"When you took over my home office neither of us could have known how long that would last, but it has been X months. I realize you like it, but this is not about what I like or what you like. This is about what was going to be a short-term thing becoming permanent, and it is not working for ME even if you like it. Because we're supposed to be partners, this half of the partnership is not doing well, and 'too bad, I like it' is a very one-sided way to live. We need to come up with a solution that works for both of us, and this is what I propose specifically...."

Tell him that you cannot go on doing your job and satisfying your employer without (a) a dedicated space where you can shut the door and (b) uninterrupted work time, treated as if you were in an office. These are non-negotiables. Offer whatever you have come up with - maybe he goes to his office two days and week, uses the home office two days a week, and is a "rover" in the house one day a week. Or you get you get the home office full time and he becomes the "rover" in the house as YOU have been for so long. Or, is there ANY space you can convert to an office space for him, even a basement den or guest bedroom if there is one? He also needs to agree that between certain hours he does not interrupt you nor you him. say, from 9-1 you are each in your own space and you don't come into each others' spaces. Maybe meet up for lunch in the dining room a few days a week to break up the day and satisfy his odd need to chit-chat and look over your shoulder?

All this may be moot if he just digs in and refuses to make any changes but I'd be sure I clearly said, "I am asking you to go in to your office a minimum of X days each week. I do not have any option for working elsewhere and you know this, but you DO have that option, and I am asking you to choose X days to work in your office for the sake of our marriage." If he thinks "for the sake of our marriage" is too dramatic? Well, tell him yes, it's pretty dramatic to be togehter 24/7 in ways that are making you dislike and resent him, so....that's a marriage issue.

I also hope you can eventually land some couples counseling or therapy because his digging in with "too bad" is an awful trait in a relationship, but that's no news to you. I really hope that a firm, scheduled, "time to see the light, buddy" talk will push him to alter things, even if he doesn't "like" the change. This is not about what he likes or doesn't like. It's about his treating you like a full partner in the relationship and home, and like a professional who needs to get work done.

There's a lot of self-centeredness in this post, but OP is contributing her fair share too.

So...it's "self-centered" for OP to use her words like an adult, and go to her DH with a list of ideas for solutions that work for BOTH of them....

But somehow it's not self-centered for her DH to tell her "too bad, I like it" when she points out that his WFH has created a big change for her and their kids day to day?

The misogyny and classic DCUM hate for all OPs here is strong. The OP is wrong, bad and self-centered for standing up for her job and requiring the tools to do it well? She's self-centered for telliing her supposed life partner that he's not acting like a partner at all? OK, sure.

[Anonymous]

Just like everything else in a DCUM marriage pay for what you need. Find out the cost of a co-working space. Let DH know you need a dedicated quiet area for work. The choices are either he goes back to his office and you get your office back or the family will need to pay for the co-working space.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell him what you've told us. That the arrangement, and more so his attitude, is ruining your marriage and you need his cooperation if he doesn't want you to begin divorce proceedings. And be serious about that. Tell him that you are taking your office back. He can now be the floater and he should be happy to work at the dining room table since he loves to spend hours that his employer pays him to work to actually cook dinner instead. Tell him to stop following you around, asking you questions all day. It is driving you crazy. Honestly, this is insight into your life after the kids are off you college, so do yourself a favor and divorce now. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you need to find a job that has an office you can go to, at least a few days a week. Those will be the days you actually work and you'll just do your best when you're WAH.

I agree that your DH isn't being respectful, but you can't change him. You can only change yourself or your response.

My library has rooms that people can reserve. Maybe you could try that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP works VERY part time and he is cramping her style.

Jealous much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP works VERY part time and he is cramping her style.

"Get out of my hair, Mr. ATM. Your role is to pay for everything, not to get in 'my' space."

All you jealous women lol it's shameful. I guess you're angry you have to work, care for the kids, pay half the mortgage and OP doesn't. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP you are not alone, a lot of us were used to having our whole houses/apartments alone for 9 hours a day (this is including a 1/2 commute each day) and now its not like that. 9 hours alone! Being around each other 24/7 isn't healthy for anyone including those in great marriages people need space. I think you should each pick rooms and try your best to stay out of each others space for 8 hours a day. If you can't agree on a room switch every week or two. Try that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

OP, I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so sorry he is being utterly self-centered about this, because that's what you're depicting -- self-centeredness.

Since you've voice your concerns more than ocne, I'd suggest you script out what you are going to put on the table as specific options (don't wing it or improvise in the moment, lay it out in writiting if only for yourself), then schedule a talk with him. No kids around or about to come in the door; not at a time when he's got somewhere else to be in half an hour etc. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements and then have your specifics ready.

"When you say 'that's too bad, I like it the way it is,' I hear instead that my job, and the space and quiet I need to DO my job well, do not matter to you.'" If he says that's not what he means, say that whatever his intentions are in his own mind, you are expressing what you are hearing, especially from word as dismissive as "that's too bad" (a very immature construction, by the way). He can say all day "That's not what I mean" but you are telling him the message the words send to you.

"When you took over my home office neither of us could have known how long that would last, but it has been X months. I realize you like it, but this is not about what I like or what you like. This is about what was going to be a short-term thing becoming permanent, and it is not working for ME even if you like it. Because we're supposed to be partners, this half of the partnership is not doing well, and 'too bad, I like it' is a very one-sided way to live. We need to come up with a solution that works for both of us, and this is what I propose specifically...."

Tell him that you cannot go on doing your job and satisfying your employer without (a) a dedicated space where you can shut the door and (b) uninterrupted work time, treated as if you were in an office. These are non-negotiables. Offer whatever you have come up with - maybe he goes to his office two days and week, uses the home office two days a week, and is a "rover" in the house one day a week. Or you get you get the home office full time and he becomes the "rover" in the house as YOU have been for so long. Or, is there ANY space you can convert to an office space for him, even a basement den or guest bedroom if there is one? He also needs to agree that between certain hours he does not interrupt you nor you him. say, from 9-1 you are each in your own space and you don't come into each others' spaces. Maybe meet up for lunch in the dining room a few days a week to break up the day and satisfy his odd need to chit-chat and look over your shoulder?

All this may be moot if he just digs in and refuses to make any changes but I'd be sure I clearly said, "I am asking you to go in to your office a minimum of X days each week. I do not have any option for working elsewhere and you know this, but you DO have that option, and I am asking you to choose X days to work in your office for the sake of our marriage." If he thinks "for the sake of our marriage" is too dramatic? Well, tell him yes, it's pretty dramatic to be togehter 24/7 in ways that are making you dislike and resent him, so....that's a marriage issue.

I also hope you can eventually land some couples counseling or therapy because his digging in with "too bad" is an awful trait in a relationship, but that's no news to you. I really hope that a firm, scheduled, "time to see the light, buddy" talk will push him to alter things, even if he doesn't "like" the change. This is not about what he likes or doesn't like. It's about his treating you like a full partner in the relationship and home, and like a professional who needs to get work done.

There's a lot of self-centeredness in this post, but OP is contributing her fair share too.

So...it's "self-centered" for OP to use her words like an adult, and go to her DH with a list of ideas for solutions that work for BOTH of them....

But somehow it's not self-centered for her DH to tell her "too bad, I like it" when she points out that his WFH has created a big change for her and their kids day to day?

The misogyny and classic DCUM hate for all OPs here is strong. The OP is wrong, bad and self-centered for standing up for her job and requiring the tools to do it well? She's self-centered for telliing her supposed life partner that he's not acting like a partner at all? OK, sure.

Why don't you point out where I wrote that? I merely made the point that OP is being self-centered *as well as* her DH. I guess it's easier to try to rebut manufactured straw men than admit that Op may bear some responsibility here as well. Your attitude apparently is that any criticism of Op is misogyny. OK, sure.

[Anonymous]

Move back into your office. I don't understand why or how he moved in there unless you weren't using it. Doesn't matter if you want it back claim it.

As for the other stuff, you have been a single parent for 14 years. You're going to have to learn to patent and share and compromise with him like every other couple does. Consider it positive for the kids that dad is around more. If you want your marriage to work.

But it kinda sounds like you just wanted a sperm donor if that's the case divorce because you can't kick him out of his house or make him get a different job.
Divorced you'll have the house to yourself and the kids 60% of the time to parent exactly how you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

Wait, you're complaining that he cooks real meals for your family, and that your kids won't have friends over because they can't eat junk/pizza every night? That's really weird.

+1. I was empathetic towards op with the office thing. But she lost me with this one and makes me suspicious that he actually took over her office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe you need to find a job that has an office you can go to, at least a few days a week. Those will be the days you actually work and you'll just do your best when you're WAH.

I agree that your DH isn't being respectful, but you can't change him. You can only change yourself or your response.

My library has rooms that people can reserve. Maybe you could try that?

Agree that OP and the DH need to find some new options, and reserving private space somewhere like a library could work--good idea. It's not a solution for every single working day, because no library's going to let her have a room five days a week, but it could be a good half-day option at times. For her or for him. He could be the one to decamp elsewhere at times too, maybe when she's WFH he's out and when he's WFH she's out, etc. At least some of the time.

But "maybe you need to change jobs" is a very major change and about much more than just finding some job with an office to go to. Not sure why OP should have to make such a gigantic change, maybe affecting her career path and income level, to accommodate her husband's disrespectful treatment of her and their mutual space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no more right to work at home than he does. Just because he has an office to go to, doesn’t mean he should have to deal with the commute every day so you can be alone at home.

The lack of office space for you should be the biggest issue, but none of your complaints seem to revolve around this. I would start here - can you find another place in the house to work? Remind him that you need quiet to focus and ask him not to disturb you during your working hours.

As for the other stuff - if your kids want to have friends over to eat pizza, let them order pizza! You cannot seriously be complaining about him cooking fancy dinners. You can also tell him Jimmy is having Larlo over after school, please make them grilled cheese and not roast duck or whatever.

+1 to all of this

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I didn't not sign up for a WFH husband and never would have married one. It is a big turn off for me and i could not get past that. It would be a deal breaker for me 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP works VERY part time and he is cramping her style.

"Get out of my hair, Mr. ATM. Your role is to pay for everything, not to get in 'my' space."

I wonder how he would take to her stopping cooking, cleaning and dropping off/picking up the kids. OR She will now work until 10pm every night so he is on his own for bedtime routines. OR she travels a few days a week now or making a HUGE lifestyle change without talking about it with him that impacts HIS life.

It is never cool for 1 person to make a huge change in the marriage without a discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

Who cares if it is working for YOU! You didn't marry OPs husband. SHE did and it is not working for her which means it is not working for their marriage and something needs to change. That is what marraige is about, making a situation work for both. How about he goes in every other week?