DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are similar. She finally told me she was sick of me being home all the time. Point taken. Please be more subtle than she was.

Our marriage isn't great, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing OP works VERY part time and he is cramping her style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP wants things to be done her way and her DH is getting in the way of that.

Sweetie, you can only control yourself, not your spouse.

No kidding: it's his house too -- and I bet he's paying > 50% of the mortgage with those long hours you cite.

BTW, they are also his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP works VERY part time and he is cramping her style.

"Get out of my hair, Mr. ATM. Your role is to pay for everything, not to get in 'my' space."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

That seems problematic, especially considering he has an office he could go to if he chose to. I'd be pissed if my dh took over my office space!

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife felt the same way. Now she has plenty of personal space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife felt the same way. Now she has plenty of personal space.

And she’s probably very happy.

[Anonymous]

It’s obvious that the OP thinks their home is her castle and that would be true even if she had an office to go to (i.e., like a she shed in the back yard). OP needs to propose a solution that does not reek of her feeling more entitled to be in their home than he is. No wonder the DH’s reaction is “deal with it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

I would focus on the home office issue as a starting place. It’s completely inappropriate that he had commandeered your workspace even though he has one of his own simply because he doesn’t want to leave the house. Either he gives you the home office back and works elsewhere (whether his actual office or the kitchen table), or you will have to work with you on what other expenses will be cut back to afford a co-working space for you. In the latter case, he will also have to pick up all of the housework and childcare you used to accomplish while also working from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s obvious that the OP thinks their home is her castle and that would be true even if she had an office to go to (i.e., like a she shed in the back yard). OP needs to propose a solution that does not reek of her feeling more entitled to be in their home than he is. No wonder the DH’s reaction is “deal with it.”

Did you simply not see the part where she said (1) she's WFH since before the pandemic and (2) he took over her home office space so she ends up as a "floater" in her own home. And her job involves making calls all day long so she cannot work in a library or other public or shared space.

Sounds less like she's acting "entitled" than like he's acting as if her work does not matter compared to his. I think taking over your spouse's office, insisting that the arrangement won't change because YOU like it even if spouse doesn't, is actually much more entitled behavior.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, I’m struggling too. My temporary fix is that I work somewhere else a few hours a day and I give DH a list of stuff I need him to clean since things get messier/dirtier faster with him home all the time.

Long term plan is either moving somewhere larger with a more private, dedicated office space, us going in on a rented office to share, or at least hiring a cleaning service to deal with how hard it is to keep our home clean and organized with him home so much.

I definitely miss being the only person who worked from home. I was super productive and our house was always tidy, laundry always done. But it’s been over two years. He’s not going back. I have to accept it and find a way to make it work for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife felt the same way. Now she has plenty of personal space.

And she’s probably very happy.

This, and with a new friend who comes by twice times a week. Nobody is cramping my space.

[Anonymous]

Op, it could be worse. I wasn't allowed to leave the home, not even for a walk, and we lived in a 1-bedroom apartment. I was literally wasting away on my bed. Ended up moving out.
Seems like you have a big house. go hide somewhere couple of hours a day.

[Anonymous]

My husband was forced to retire. For the last two years we have been together 24/7. I was NOT used to having anyone home with me sharing my free 12 hour days. He always got on my nerves.
But once I let go of my anxiety about him being here, I actually enjoyed being with him. He had a lot of anxiety too. He was at his company 35 years. Once the shock wore off he started cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, mowing and trimming when he felt like it. He was getting up at 5 reach morning during his work life. Going to bed at 9. Now he sleeps in until 7:30. Believe me, that is sleeping in for him. He grocery shops, manages projects for the house, something he's very good at. Once I lowered my standards and quit caring about how he did things his way, I felt a calmness.
I thought it would be all about me but it really is all about him. He is a totally different person and I like this person alot.
Life is what you make of it. When you decide love over rules everything, you two will click. That is a true partnership.