DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

There is no more excitement when he's coming home since he is now home 24/7. I miss, missing him and sharing our day stories. It's just not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no more excitement when he's coming home since he is now home 24/7. I miss, missing him and sharing our day stories. It's just not the same.

+100000. Exactly- No excitement, nothing to look forward to after seeing your spouse 24/7.. Talking, sex, Dinner conversation - its all a bore. Just the same old stuff.. boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

To be fair, she basically told him that she doesn't like him around and to get out of her space. It's his house too. In that situation, my response might also be suck it up, buttercup. The notion that she is entitled to work from home but he isn't because she started to do it first is pretty ridiculous.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

Who cares if it is working for YOU! You didn't marry OPs husband. SHE did and it is not working for her which means it is not working for their marriage and something needs to change. That is what marraige is about, making a situation work for both. How about he goes in every other week?

How about she rents or finds a space outside of the house and SHE'S the one who gets to deal with the hassle, since she's had all these years with the home to herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both parents WFH is very unhealthy, too much time together can and likely will, ruin a marriage. What will you talk about at dinner, what will be special when you go on vacation, have a date night, etc when you spend all day together?

This situation leads to zero excitement to spend time together. it's human nature to not want to be with the same person 24/7.. you likely sleep with your spouse, so even bedtime isn't relief.. this is bad.

He needs to be more understanding, and if he refuses, set an ultimatum.

Yeahhhhh, good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He took over the home office you were using to work? NO! Kick is a$$ out of there and back to the office. Make sure he knows, KNOWS that 1) he's impacting your ability to work and contribute to the house (threaten to quit if needed) and 2) That this was your space that he co-opted. Not cool. You're a saint to have put up with it as long as you have. Tell him this weekends project is to move his sh$t out of your office because you need the space. Since he has an office to go to and you don't, this is how it needs to be.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It's one thing if no one has a choice and you make do as best you can, but he does have a choice. I'd die on this hill, and I'm normally a pretty chill person.

Yes, you are right. Another reason I'm so bitter. He took over my home office during covid when I was laid off. Moved all his stuff in, and now I work in the kitchen, dining room, bedroom if the kids are home, etc etc. I'm on the phone/zooms during the day, so this isn't exactly an easy shift. He has a freaking office to go to and I don't. All of this is boiling in me. I celebrate when he has rare occasional travel, a round of golf in the afternoon, etc.

It makes sense for him to take over the office since you were laid off. I can't relate to you at all. Both of us working from home has been the best part of the pandemic. Agree with PP that he will stay out of your hair if you give him some one on one time.

Who cares if it is working for YOU! You didn't marry OPs husband. SHE did and it is not working for her which means it is not working for their marriage and something needs to change. That is what marraige is about, making a situation work for both. How about he goes in every other week?

How about she rents or finds a space outside of the house and SHE'S the one who gets to deal with the hassle, since she's had all these years with the home to herself?

It doesn't sound like he's wanting to help out with much around the house so if I was her I would get an office space and he can take over all of that crap.

[Anonymous]

There's no reason to work from home. Parent can't take over laundry and crock-Pot meals at least three or four nights a week. All of that can be done before work starts on breaks or at lunch.
My husband wants to work from home. That's amazing but he can start doing the grocery shopping online, cooking crock-Pot meals and doing all of our laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

OP here - wow, can I hire you?

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties.

Earlier you said you work from home. Now you're saying you got laid off. Which one is it?