DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

My husband has gone from being gone from 7am - 7pm every day, plus travel to working 100% from home with very rare travel. I've always worked from home, and had complete care of the kids, dinners, etc. he refuses to go back to the office and has gotten so comfortable working from home and it's ruining our marriage. This would not be so bad if he didn't try to control and manage everything that happens in the house. He's clearly not busy enough with his job and spends so much time during the day focusing on me, whats going on with the kids, whats for dinner, etc etc. I'm used to him being out of sight/out of mind until he gets home during the day, it's how our marriage has been for years pre covid.

I'm in my late 40's and we've been married 15 years. This is not what I signed up for. I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement. Ugh.. I feel like this is ruining our marriage because he doesn't care how miserable he's making the rest of the family. Looked into counseling but there's literally nobody good available.

UGH, how do I get him back into a routine that doesn't revolve around me and the kids!

[Anonymous]

Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP wants things to be done her way and her DH is getting in the way of that.

Sweetie, you can only control yourself, not your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

[Anonymous]

I'm so jealous of you, OP. DH has always had to work in the office. I wish we had the time together and the flexibility/lack of rush. And honestly as the WFH spouse I get treated as the household manager, which I hate and do not excel at.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you just don't like your husband.

[Anonymous]

Take some dicktation each day. It will settle him down and your day will be better. Ask me how I know …

[Anonymous]

It was a big adjustment not having the house to myself anymore. I am in a role where I spend a lot of time listening to people speak in meetings and chiming in, but not presenting. I am used to folding laundry, loading the dishwasher and generally walking around the house while on speaker phone. I can’t do that when he’s home or it will disturb his work.

On the plus side, my husband has taken on 50% of the drop off / pick up duties and has time at lunch to run to the post office, pick up groceries, etc. He’s in my space, but he’s contributing more and I have less on my plate and less need to multi task.

[Anonymous]

I would look into a coworking space for your self so you can get out of the house. I feel you, op. I’ve done WFH for over 10 years. I had such a hard time when the pandemic first hit, and dh has been mostly wfh since then. He’s not even that bad, I just really, really miss my solitude.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you go to the office and let him stay at home? You say that you have always worked from home. Give him a turn at staying home

[Anonymous]

It really does not sound like you like him. At all.

[Anonymous]

Wait, are you working from home or a SAHM?

A lot of couples struggle with this, especially when the husband retires. They always together and can't stand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has gone from being gone from 7am - 7pm every day, plus travel to working 100% from home with very rare travel. I've always worked from home, and had complete care of the kids, dinners, etc. he refuses to go back to the office and has gotten so comfortable working from home and it's ruining our marriage. This would not be so bad if he didn't try to control and manage everything that happens in the house. He's clearly not busy enough with his job and spends so much time during the day focusing on me, whats going on with the kids, whats for dinner, etc etc. I'm used to him being out of sight/out of mind until he gets home during the day, it's how our marriage has been for years pre covid.

I'm in my late 40's and we've been married 15 years. This is not what I signed up for. I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement. Ugh.. I feel like this is ruining our marriage because he doesn't care how miserable he's making the rest of the family. Looked into counseling but there's literally nobody good available.

UGH, how do I get him back into a routine that doesn't revolve around me and the kids!

Wait a few months. Once all the stimmie and quantitative easing washes out of the economy, his work will demand he comes back in, and he'll have to start competing for his job. Your marriage will probably magically improve once he has to start actually working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

Wait, you're complaining that he cooks real meals for your family, and that your kids won't have friends over because they can't eat junk/pizza every night? That's really weird.