Reply to DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general? 
[/quote]

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, [i]"I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but [u]he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement[/u]."[/i]

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions. [/quote]

OP here - wow, can I hire you? :)

You are right. I've voiced my concern multiple times, stating that this has been a major shift in our everyday life. Married couples are not meant to be together 24/7, space from each other is healthy, etc etc. He responds by saying, "that's too bad, I like the way it is". I've asked him to go into his office at least 2 days/week, he's gone in 5 times in the past year. I do not have an office to go to. I had a home office but was laid off during covid and he took over the office. He's nosy as hell, constantly asking me what I'm doing, etc. (He just popped in while I'm typing this asking what I'm doing)

His dismissive attitude is also what is making me dislike him. He doesn't care that I'm not happy. I told him I never would have married someone that worked from home all the time, but again "too bad, it is what it is".

Many people will read this and think, what is she complaining about, he's home to help, cook, pick up the kids, etc etc. Our kids are older now (12 and 15), and there is not a chance he would have worked from home when they were younger and I could have used his help more. Everybody is different, I was happy being married to someone who worked outside of the house while I took care of the house/kid duties. [/quote]

OP, I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so sorry he is being utterly self-centered about this, because that's what you're depicting -- self-centeredness.

Since you've voice your concerns more than ocne, I'd suggest you script out what you are going to put on the table as specific options (don't wing it or improvise in the moment, lay it out in writiting if only for yourself), then schedule a talk with him. No kids around or about to come in the door; not at a time when he's got somewhere else to be in half an hour etc. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements and then have your specifics ready.

"When you say 'that's too bad, I like it the way it is,' I hear instead that my job, and the space and quiet I need to DO my job well, do not matter to you.'" If he says that's not what he means, say that whatever his intentions are in his own mind, you are expressing what you are hearing, especially from word as dismissive as "that's too bad" (a very immature construction, by the way). He can say all day "That's not what I mean" but you are telling him the message the words send to you.

"When you took over my home office neither of us could have known how long that would last, but it has been X months. I realize you like it, but this is not about what I like or what you like. This is about what was going to be a short-term thing becoming permanent, and it is not working for ME even if you like it. Because we're supposed to be partners, this half of the partnership is not doing well, and 'too bad, I like it' is a very one-sided way to live. We need to come up with a solution that works for both of us, and this is what I propose specifically...."

Tell him that you cannot go on doing your job and satisfying your employer without (a) a dedicated space where you can shut the door and (b) [i]uninterrupted[/i] work time, treated as if you were in an office. These are non-negotiables. Offer whatever you have come up with - maybe he goes to his office two days and week, uses the home office two days a week, and is a "rover" in the house one day a week. Or you get you get the home office full time and he becomes the "rover" in the house as YOU have been for so long. Or, is there ANY space you can convert to an office space for him, even a basement den or guest bedroom if there is one? He also needs to agree that between certain hours he does not interrupt you nor you him. say, from 9-1 you are each in your own space and you don't come into each others' spaces. Maybe meet up for lunch in the dining room a few days a week to break up the day and satisfy his odd need to chit-chat and look over your shoulder?

All this may be moot if he just digs in and refuses to make any changes but I'd be sure I clearly said, "I am asking you to go in to your office a minimum of X days each week. I do not have any option for working elsewhere and you know this, but you DO have that option, and I am asking you to choose X days to work in your office for the sake of our marriage." If he thinks "for the sake of our marriage" is too dramatic? Well, tell him yes, it's pretty dramatic to be togehter 24/7 in ways that are making you dislike and resent him, so....that's a marriage issue.

I also hope you can eventually land some couples counseling or therapy because his digging in with "too bad" is an awful trait in a relationship, but that's no news to you. I really hope that a firm, scheduled, "time to see the light, buddy" talk will push him to alter things, even if he doesn't "like" the change. [i]This is not about what he likes or doesn't like. It's about his treating you like a full partner in the relationship and home, and like a professional who needs to get work done.[/i][/quote]

There's a lot of self-centeredness in this post, but OP is contributing her fair share too.  [/quote]

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