DH WFH is ruining our marriage (sorry, venting post)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

These are your two main issues. I totally get it. I have WFH for years, and having everyone all at home at once was a huge and difficult change for me. But DH understands that I need alone time...well, understands might not be the right word, but he recognizes it and accommodates it. He takes the kids out on the weekend to give me time alone to myself. I will sometimes say I just can't sit with the family for dinner, because I am completely people'd/social interactioned out for the day. Try to make this a conversation about what you need rather than what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

You have no more right to work at home than he does. Just because he has an office to go to, doesn’t mean he should have to deal with the commute every day so you can be alone at home.

The lack of office space for you should be the biggest issue, but none of your complaints seem to revolve around this. I would start here - can you find another place in the house to work? Remind him that you need quiet to focus and ask him not to disturb you during your working hours.

As for the other stuff - if your kids want to have friends over to eat pizza, let them order pizza! You cannot seriously be complaining about him cooking fancy dinners. You can also tell him Jimmy is having Larlo over after school, please make them grilled cheese and not roast duck or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

That seems problematic, especially considering he has an office he could go to if he chose to. I'd be pissed if my dh took over my office space!

This. How did his usurpation of your office come about, OP? I think you need to reclaim your space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s obvious that the OP thinks their home is her castle and that would be true even if she had an office to go to (i.e., like a she shed in the back yard). OP needs to propose a solution that does not reek of her feeling more entitled to be in their home than he is. No wonder the DH’s reaction is “deal with it.”

Did you simply not see the part where she said (1) she's WFH since before the pandemic and (2) he took over her home office space so she ends up as a "floater" in her own home. And her job involves making calls all day long so she cannot work in a library or other public or shared space.

Sounds less like she's acting "entitled" than like he's acting as if her work does not matter compared to his. I think taking over your spouse's office, insisting that the arrangement won't change because YOU like it even if spouse doesn't, is actually much more entitled behavior.

I agree with this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has gone from being gone from 7am - 7pm every day, plus travel to working 100% from home with very rare travel. I've always worked from home, and had complete care of the kids, dinners, etc. he refuses to go back to the office and has gotten so comfortable working from home and it's ruining our marriage. This would not be so bad if he didn't try to control and manage everything that happens in the house. He's clearly not busy enough with his job and spends so much time during the day focusing on me, whats going on with the kids, whats for dinner, etc etc. I'm used to him being out of sight/out of mind until he gets home during the day, it's how our marriage has been for years pre covid.

I'm in my late 40's and we've been married 15 years. This is not what I signed up for. I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement. Ugh.. I feel like this is ruining our marriage because he doesn't care how miserable he's making the rest of the family. Looked into counseling but there's literally nobody good available.

UGH, how do I get him back into a routine that doesn't revolve around me and the kids!

no advice but I simply tell mine. "get out of my house". Finally my office opened up so I"m "out of my house" and I stuck him with other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Can you get out of the house? WFH from a "she shed" in the backyard? Or apply to a new in-person job?

I switched in person job during COVID because I couldn't do dual teleworking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

How on earth did you let him weasel his way into taking over your office? Take it back.

It's time to be blunt - he's basically running roughshod over all of you, upending your routines and preferences, and no one has the stones to tell him no. Tell him no. Stick to it.

You may not be able to force him back into the office, but stop being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP wants things to be done her way and her DH is getting in the way of that.

Sweetie, you can only control yourself, not your spouse.

This. There have been so many posts on DCUM in the past two years from long-term WFH, or occasionally SAH, women throwing fits because they erroneously think the house is “theirs” and their husbands should be forced to schlep into offices when their employers no longer require it to “get him out of my hair/house.”

That’s not how it works.

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned that he will get fired that remote work has exposed the lack of work on his job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he know which specific behaviors annoy you? Sitting and criticizing while not helping? Intervening when the kids scream when you'd usually ignore, criticize screen time use? Or just hanging around and making conversation?

If you could address the critical behaviors (if any) and the lack of help, could it be better? Do you like spending time with him in general?

New poster. This PP has a good point, OP - how specific have you been with him about the behaviors causing you to feel crowded and "managed"? I'd script out what you want to say, being very specific (but not accusatory) and have a talk when things are calm; it's not during the work day for either of you; and the kids are not around and not likely to come in. A calm, controlled time. Bring some specific ideas to the table regarding solutions, too. If his office is back in person part of the time, does he have some choice to go work in the office, say, X days each week? Do you have an office you can go to Y days a week? (You said you've WFH a long time so I realize there may not be any office for you to go to.) I've read that We Work types of rented office spaces are begging for clients--can he or you find a deal on some space elsewhere at least part of the week? And most of all, can you and he maybe split some duties at home with an understanding of zero micromanagement by the other one?

But OP, there is a big red flag in your post that a talk like this won't resolve and it's a bigger marriage issue, possibly:

You say, "I've spoken with him about both of us needing space, but he's pretty adamant that it's too bad because he likes this arrangement."

He's adamant that "it's too bad"? As in, suck it up, buttercup? To his wife? That's...not a good relationship dynamic and I'm sure you know that already. If his attitude truly is "it's too bad" that you dare to have feelings about what is a big change to your day-to-day life, then you and he have communications issues that go beyond this issue--don't you? That attitude would indicate he's dismissive of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You say good counselors are hard to find right now and that's so true, unfortunately, but I'd double down on finding one any way possible, if my DH were that level of dismissive.

If he really isn't as extreme as I'm picturing it above, though, start with the approach of being very specific about both the problem and some solutions.

He has the right to work out of his own home if his employer allows it. However, the “he took over my home office” bit is pretty problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP wants things to be done her way and her DH is getting in the way of that.

Sweetie, you can only control yourself, not your spouse.

Well, I mean, her spouse is controlling her, is he not? He took over her home office.

[Anonymous]

OP keeps not answering how the home-office takeover occurred, so the answer probably doesn’t make her DH look bad. Like she was barely ever in it and preferred wandering all over the house multi-tasking while working. Use it or lose it.

[Anonymous]

Reclaim your office. Let him work at the kitchen table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you work from a shared office space or library? That would create some distance. Also, if you let him take care of the cooking and cleaning, wouldn't that take some stuff off of your plate?

What are we missing here?

A shared office is an expense we can't afford and a library/public space won't work for me - I'm on the phone all day and need private space. He has an office to go to but refuses to use it. (he took over my home office, now I have to work in the kitchen or float wherever nobody else is)

This really has nothing to do with him taking things off my plate, I never asked or complained about what was on my plate. I've raised kids for 14 years practically on my own while he worked away from the house. My kids and I had a routine that worked, and his being home all the time has completely disrupted this. Having a husband home all the time to help with cooking seems like a luxury, but that wears off. My kids' friends have take-out, pizza, grilled cheese for dinner, etc. They won't have friends over because we have fancy Sunday/sit-down dinners every single day of the week. PS - He LOVES cooking, which is the only reason he does this. He would not take care of dinners unless it is something he truly enjoys.

Maybe this sounds selfish, but I loved and needed my space from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc etc. the opposite has the opposite effect. I'm also an introvert and he's an extrovert. I cannot be his social outlet all day.. not what I signed up for when we married several years ago.
ugh, thanks for letting me vent

That seems problematic, especially considering he has an office he could go to if he chose to. I'd be pissed if my dh took over my office space!

This. How did his usurpation of your office come about, OP? I think you need to reclaim your space.

Go get your office back OP! Just move his stuff out of it and take it back. It's your office and has been for a decade. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide it's his now.

[Anonymous]

My husband switched to work at home and I love it. You are complaining he's around and helpful. You are the problem.