Do you consider flirting cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I consider it disrespectful and downright angering to experience when you are the spouse that has to deal with it. I think those who engage are being disrespectful. However, I’ve noticed DCUM doesn’t care in general with flirtation. Me, It’s not cheating but it’s inappropriate. Yes, you are married and not dead but you are married to 1 woman and need to focus your attention on her and making her feel comfortable. But this is just my humble opinion.

I don’t think we’re talking about flirting with someone else in front of your spouse, are we?

That is actually what the OP was talking about, so I'd say we are talking about both situations.

This is OP- the woman with the boyfriend wasn't me. My question was just about flirting with strangers in bars/clubs, away from your spouse.

NP here. I guess my question is why?
Most people go to bars and flirt to pick up someone to sleep with or maybe even date

So why as a committed person are you giving the impression you're available to do these things?

In my view you're doing it because you're a jerk who is actually open to cheating.
Or your a selfish attention seeking person playing on someone else's feelings to get an ego boost

I don’t see anything in the OP saying he or she goes to bars to intentionally flirt?

I’ve been married a really long time. If I’m in a bar or restaurant without my spouse and someone flirts or banters with me I may banter back a little bit. Im usually with a friend or friends and I wear a wedding ring so it’s kind of obvious I’m not in the market for sex. This is not a threat to my spouse or marriage. If the shoe is on the other foot, that’s okay too. If one of us has a lighthearted or flirtatious interaction and it carries over into feeling confident about our looks or attractiveness, that in turn carries over into our sex life. This is a good thing.

I’ve noticed that some women in particular take light flirting very seriously, and they sometimes think it means more than it does. If you’re secure in your partnership, it doesn’t mean anything, IME.

Your wedding ring being visible means nothing.

I just don't understand doing this. Seems incredibly juvenile and selfish.
But maybe it's because I'm currently single and it's freaking annoying to have a guy waste your time flirting because apparently he like you is bored and married and wants to pretend to be available for funsies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

I'm self absorbed because I don't think I should have to stop "bantering and laughing?" Disagree. In fact I think it would be more self-absorbed to pay a lot of attention to myself because I assume a guy might think I'm flirting. I seriously couldn't hold a normal conversation because I'd be thinking about me, not the person I'm talking to.

But the guy the OP is talking about is not "bantering and laughing." I think what he is doing is actually trying to take down the self esteem of his partner down a notch by paying attention to other women. It's not even flirting, it's negging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

I'm self absorbed because I don't think I should have to stop "bantering and laughing?" Disagree. In fact I think it would be more self-absorbed to pay a lot of attention to myself because I assume a guy might think I'm flirting. I seriously couldn't hold a normal conversation because I'd be thinking about me, not the person I'm talking to.

But the guy the OP is talking about is not "bantering and laughing." I think what he is doing is actually trying to take down the self esteem of his partner down a notch by paying attention to other women. It's not even flirting, it's negging.

You're self absorbed that you don't give a shit that your behavior hurts other people and is inappropriate in 90,% of situations. If you can't as an adult figure out how to have a pleasant conversation without flirting there's something wrong with you. Attention seeking immature and likely a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

I'm self absorbed because I don't think I should have to stop "bantering and laughing?" Disagree. In fact I think it would be more self-absorbed to pay a lot of attention to myself because I assume a guy might think I'm flirting. I seriously couldn't hold a normal conversation because I'd be thinking about me, not the person I'm talking to.

But the guy the OP is talking about is not "bantering and laughing." I think what he is doing is actually trying to take down the self esteem of his partner down a notch by paying attention to other women. It's not even flirting, it's negging.

You're self absorbed that you don't give a shit that your behavior hurts other people and is inappropriate in 90,% of situations. If you can't as an adult figure out how to have a pleasant conversation without flirting there's something wrong with you. Attention seeking immature and likely a narcissist

I don’t think I’m flirting though. If somebody else interprets it that way that’s on them. Are you a woman? Do you honestly think it would be harmful for a woman who isn’t interested in a man to laugh at his joke? Personally I like it when I see my husband having fun with somebody if any gender. It makes him happy. If he was winking or staring into her eyes or asking for a phone number, no, that’s not okay. But laughing? I am pro-laughing.

If somebody said that what I was doing was hurtful I would stop for sure. But i think that we put this ridiculous pressure on women to act a certain way because men just cannot emotionally handle rejection. I and my girlfriends have been rejected many times because we mistook friendliness for interest, and none of us ever said “ugh how dare that guy banter with people he’s not interested in.” You only hear people say that about girls and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I consider it disrespectful and downright angering to experience when you are the spouse that has to deal with it. I think those who engage are being disrespectful. However, I’ve noticed DCUM doesn’t care in general with flirtation. Me, It’s not cheating but it’s inappropriate. Yes, you are married and not dead but you are married to 1 woman and need to focus your attention on her and making her feel comfortable. But this is just my humble opinion.

I don’t think we’re talking about flirting with someone else in front of your spouse, are we?

That is actually what the OP was talking about, so I'd say we are talking about both situations.

This is OP- the woman with the boyfriend wasn't me. My question was just about flirting with strangers in bars/clubs, away from your spouse.

NP here. I guess my question is why?
Most people go to bars and flirt to pick up someone to sleep with or maybe even date

So why as a committed person are you giving the impression you're available to do these things?

In my view you're doing it because you're a jerk who is actually open to cheating.
Or your a selfish attention seeking person playing on someone else's feelings to get an ego boost

I don’t see anything in the OP saying he or she goes to bars to intentionally flirt?

I’ve been married a really long time. If I’m in a bar or restaurant without my spouse and someone flirts or banters with me I may banter back a little bit. Im usually with a friend or friends and I wear a wedding ring so it’s kind of obvious I’m not in the market for sex. This is not a threat to my spouse or marriage. If the shoe is on the other foot, that’s okay too. If one of us has a lighthearted or flirtatious interaction and it carries over into feeling confident about our looks or attractiveness, that in turn carries over into our sex life. This is a good thing.

I’ve noticed that some women in particular take light flirting very seriously, and they sometimes think it means more than it does. If you’re secure in your partnership, it doesn’t mean anything, IME.

Your wedding ring being visible means nothing.

I just don't understand doing this. Seems incredibly juvenile and selfish.
But maybe it's because I'm currently single and it's freaking annoying to have a guy waste your time flirting because apparently he like you is bored and married and wants to pretend to be available for funsies.

Lots of assumptions here. Maybe look at what you bring to your own situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

I'm self absorbed because I don't think I should have to stop "bantering and laughing?" Disagree. In fact I think it would be more self-absorbed to pay a lot of attention to myself because I assume a guy might think I'm flirting. I seriously couldn't hold a normal conversation because I'd be thinking about me, not the person I'm talking to.

But the guy the OP is talking about is not "bantering and laughing." I think what he is doing is actually trying to take down the self esteem of his partner down a notch by paying attention to other women. It's not even flirting, it's negging.

You're self absorbed that you don't give a shit that your behavior hurts other people and is inappropriate in 90,% of situations. If you can't as an adult figure out how to have a pleasant conversation without flirting there's something wrong with you. Attention seeking immature and likely a narcissist

I don’t think I’m flirting though. If somebody else interprets it that way that’s on them. Are you a woman? Do you honestly think it would be harmful for a woman who isn’t interested in a man to laugh at his joke? Personally I like it when I see my husband having fun with somebody if any gender. It makes him happy. If he was winking or staring into her eyes or asking for a phone number, no, that’s not okay. But laughing? I am pro-laughing.

If somebody said that what I was doing was hurtful I would stop for sure. But i think that we put this ridiculous pressure on women to act a certain way because men just cannot emotionally handle rejection. I and my girlfriends have been rejected many times because we mistook friendliness for interest, and none of us ever said “ugh how dare that guy banter with people he’s not interested in.” You only hear people say that about girls and women.

I agree with you. I think the person criticizing you is the same one criticizing me, and he seems angry. I disengaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but I also want to note the perception of the behavior, if you are laughing, giggling and bantering with a guy...that is going to be perceived by others and myself as flirting.

Whether it is innocent, light flirting or not.

I think the perception adds to this consideration.

I know some of you guys and girls are doing it as "innocent" and in your heart it's not the type of communication to lead to more while you are in "the act" but the perception shows something different if that makes sense.

I'm one of the PPs whose standard mode of interacting is apparently flirtations and I don't care about this. If somebody thinks I'm flirting with them, what's it to me? I'm not going to try to modify by behavior with all men just in case somebody thinks I'm flirting. If I did get the sense that somebody was interested in more, I would just mention that I'm married (and back in the day when I dated, I just declined to go on dates with people I wasn't interested in).

So bottom line is people like you are just self absorbed attention seekers so to answer the question OP.

If you can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention no matter your feelings on the matter. If you want to be gaslit and told you're to sensitive and insecure. Stay.

If not leave because your boyfriend won't change.

I'm self absorbed because I don't think I should have to stop "bantering and laughing?" Disagree. In fact I think it would be more self-absorbed to pay a lot of attention to myself because I assume a guy might think I'm flirting. I seriously couldn't hold a normal conversation because I'd be thinking about me, not the person I'm talking to.

But the guy the OP is talking about is not "bantering and laughing." I think what he is doing is actually trying to take down the self esteem of his partner down a notch by paying attention to other women. It's not even flirting, it's negging.

You're self absorbed that you don't give a shit that your behavior hurts other people and is inappropriate in 90,% of situations. If you can't as an adult figure out how to have a pleasant conversation without flirting there's something wrong with you. Attention seeking immature and likely a narcissist

I don’t think I’m flirting though. If somebody else interprets it that way that’s on them. Are you a woman? Do you honestly think it would be harmful for a woman who isn’t interested in a man to laugh at his joke? Personally I like it when I see my husband having fun with somebody if any gender. It makes him happy. If he was winking or staring into her eyes or asking for a phone number, no, that’s not okay. But laughing? I am pro-laughing.

If somebody said that what I was doing was hurtful I would stop for sure. But i think that we put this ridiculous pressure on women to act a certain way because men just cannot emotionally handle rejection. I and my girlfriends have been rejected many times because we mistook friendliness for interest, and none of us ever said “ugh how dare that guy banter with people he’s not interested in.” You only hear people say that about girls and women.

I agree with you. I think the person criticizing you is the same one criticizing me, and he seems angry. I disengaged.

Good call. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the concept of flirting is too subjective to call it cheating or disrespectful. I smile a lot. I’ve literally been told I was flirting with someone because I smiled. We didn’t even speak, and I smiled at everyone. If it’s smiling and banter, who cares? It’s not the 19th century. But then again I’ve been known to show my ankles, so I guess I’m a fast woman. Touching, dirty jokes with too much innuendo… that’s probably where the line is for us. Making out definitely crosses a line and is way too flirty.

^This absolutely this. I learned a long long time ago that men often mistake my being nice with flirting. For a while I stopped smiling and laughing and even talking to men. I now realize that if I am nice to them and they mistake it for flirting that isn’t my problem. I never use innuendo and bring up my husband during these conversations, and have clear boundaries with any touching (even elbow touching or whatever). But i should be able to smile and laugh and hold a conversation.

[Anonymous]

NP. I find the framing pretty interesting. Paraphrasing: “If someone takes it too far I just mention I’m married or my husband.” Why is the answer simply not “I’m not interested”?

It’s almost like the same women who will talk however they want to whoever they want lose all agency the moment they’re confronted with the conflict and instead rely on their relational status to a man to resolve the conflict.

The simple rule is the still the best. If you wouldn’t behave that way if your spouse was present then you shouldn’t do it just because your spouse isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find the framing pretty interesting. Paraphrasing: “If someone takes it too far I just mention I’m married or my husband.” Why is the answer simply not “I’m not interested”?

It’s almost like the same women who will talk however they want to whoever they want lose all agency the moment they’re confronted with the conflict and instead rely on their relational status to a man to resolve the conflict.

The simple rule is the still the best. If you wouldn’t behave that way if your spouse was present then you shouldn’t do it just because your spouse isn’t there.

I think you are missing my point. I WOULD behave the same way if my husband was present. All I am doing engaging in conversation with smiling and laughing. If my husband is present, that makes it easier for men to understand I’m not available, but if he isn’t i bring it up. The answer is that it is nicer to me to mention my husband and continue having a conversation because it draws a boundary without rudely cutting someone off and saying “I’m not interested in you or conversation with you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find the framing pretty interesting. Paraphrasing: “If someone takes it too far I just mention I’m married or my husband.” Why is the answer simply not “I’m not interested”?

It’s almost like the same women who will talk however they want to whoever they want lose all agency the moment they’re confronted with the conflict and instead rely on their relational status to a man to resolve the conflict.

The simple rule is the still the best. If you wouldn’t behave that way if your spouse was present then you shouldn’t do it just because your spouse isn’t there.

A) because I could be misreading and how freaking awkward would it be to say “I’m not interested” if somebody wasn’t actually trying to show interest in me??? Mentioning that you’re taken is a convenient and low-risk way of saying you’re not interested. Since I have that option i use it.

B) I don’t behave differently away from my husband than I do when I’m with him. So that shouts give you an idea for how low the bar is for a woman to be accused of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I find the framing pretty interesting. Paraphrasing: “If someone takes it too far I just mention I’m married or my husband.” Why is the answer simply not “I’m not interested”?

It’s almost like the same women who will talk however they want to whoever they want lose all agency the moment they’re confronted with the conflict and instead rely on their relational status to a man to resolve the conflict.

The simple rule is the still the best. If you wouldn’t behave that way if your spouse was present then you shouldn’t do it just because your spouse isn’t there.

A) because I could be misreading and how freaking awkward would it be to say “I’m not interested” if somebody wasn’t actually trying to show interest in me??? Mentioning that you’re taken is a convenient and low-risk way of saying you’re not interested. Since I have that option i use it.

B) I don’t behave differently away from my husband than I do when I’m with him. So that shouts give you an idea for how low the bar is for a woman to be accused of cheating.

Sorry I meant flirting! Not cheating. I don’t really know where the bar is on being accused of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating---no.

Disrespectful---yes.

Yup

+100