Mentally Ill Sister Having a Baby

[Anonymous]

The people on this thread saying this is a troll are awful. This is my family and a real situation.

I do agree additional therapy would be helpful to work through the feelings that the pregnancy is bringing up with our family dysfunction.

I am not gossiping with my MIL about my sister. She has been at mutual family events in the past and my sister's behavior is concerning enough at these family events to have others realize that she has some issues that have not been totally resolved. I am close to my MIL and it's fair to have her bring up her concerns with me too. I don't want children myself. MIL has no stakes in this at all with my sister so the fact that she also feels my sister would struggle as a parent should also be a red flag that my sister is probably not being realistic about her own abilities to be there for this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some responses here have been very helpful. Others are pretty judgmental and one sided.

My sister had a lot of issues growing up. I am not so worried about autism and ADHD. The bipolar is what it really worries me, she has intense mood swings, isn't necessarily on meds and has shown to have poor judgment with relationships. She has trouble taking care of herself in basic ways, and needs a lot of support. She is fortunate that her husband is very supportive. I don't know if he has a learning disability, he might have slight one. He is employed in a blue collar job. His family is very close knit and is very involved in their lives. His mom is a bit of helicopter parent.

My family was extremely dysfunctional for various reasons. I was not the golden child. What happened is that my sister needed lots of support and so the other children to some extent were supposed to grow up fast and be perfect and not cause too much trouble.

I am not jealous she is having a child. I am worried about the child. I don't know if she has what it takes to be a good parent and I worry that the child might not get what it needs from her. We don't talk once a year, we see each other once a year. We do calls in between but they are usually pretty one sided and they are all about her and her issues but she doesn't think to ask about me or anything in my life. So I don't usually call her very often. I feel she might not be equipped to handle being a parent. She didn't have a good relationship especially with my dad, and I don't have a super close relationship with my parents either. I am concerned that she is taking on more than she can at this time.

You're not super close to your parents, but throughout this thread you've said they're 100% supportive of your sister, said it breaks your heart they may not get to meet your sister's unborn child, that they didn't deserve your sister cutting them off. You state that you feel that she partially cut your parents off because they "made sure" she took psychiatric meds, but she doesn't want to take them, but you feel she needs to take them. Throughout this thread you've done a lot of identification with and defense of your parents. For your sister, you've done a lot of saying she needs to be medicated, that she's mentally ill, and that her husband is probably mentally off as well.


You're "worried." You "feel." You're "concerned." Even though you admit she has her close-knit, involved in laws. Why is this your worry? Because you are making it your worry. The child is not born. You have no idea what kind of mother she'll be. And if there are issues, she has her loving in-laws to express concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does anyone have experience with a mentally ill sibling having a child? How did they do?

Elderly parents are now raising the children. The children have their own mental health and substance use issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some responses here have been very helpful. Others are pretty judgmental and one sided.

My sister had a lot of issues growing up. I am not so worried about autism and ADHD. The bipolar is what it really worries me, she has intense mood swings, isn't necessarily on meds and has shown to have poor judgment with relationships. She has trouble taking care of herself in basic ways, and needs a lot of support. She is fortunate that her husband is very supportive. I don't know if he has a learning disability, he might have slight one. He is employed in a blue collar job. His family is very close knit and is very involved in their lives. His mom is a bit of helicopter parent.

My family was extremely dysfunctional for various reasons. I was not the golden child. What happened is that my sister needed lots of support and so the other children to some extent were supposed to grow up fast and be perfect and not cause too much trouble.

I am not jealous she is having a child. I am worried about the child. I don't know if she has what it takes to be a good parent and I worry that the child might not get what it needs from her. We don't talk once a year, we see each other once a year. We do calls in between but they are usually pretty one sided and they are all about her and her issues but she doesn't think to ask about me or anything in my life. So I don't usually call her very often. I feel she might not be equipped to handle being a parent. She didn't have a good relationship especially with my dad, and I don't have a super close relationship with my parents either. I am concerned that she is taking on more than she can at this time.

1) you are a terrible snob for what you say about your BIL, who you also say is super supportive and so is his family. Are you jealous of this support your sister receives? He has a learning disability, a blue collar job and a very involved mother of his own? JFC what is wrong with you?

2) you don’t have kids. How in the world would you ever know what it’s like or what it takes to raise kids? You have zero experience in that department. None. You don’t get a vote.

3). You don’t know how your sister is present day because you barely have any relationship is and what one you do have you claim is one sided and it makes you resentful. I can’t anything you say seriously.

Here is my advice: make sure your sister keeps her baby away from you and the rest of your highly dysfunctional family. You have nothing but negative attitudes and ill intent towards your sister. Here she is, married, in a seemingly functional and healthy marriage to a man who himself has a functional and healthy extended family who is involved and supportive. Sounds like to me this baby has a good chance at a happy life, as long as OP is far away from it.

[Anonymous]

When I opened this thread, I thought you were going to say your sister got pregnant by some rando guy and was living in a homeless shelter or in a tent and was telling everybody she and the baby were going to live in the forest with the elves.
She’s married. She sought out appropriate mental health treatment. If you were my sister, I’d not be telling you anything, many women experience mental health issues during a pregnancy as well as after. Do you tell women who have had hospital stays before they get pregnant for say shoulder surgery that they also shouldn’t have kids because you’ll have to use your body a lot, and that shoulder joint not working right, well I just wouldn’t?

All of us have to learn to be moms, some of it is natural, some of it isn’t, and what is natural and what isn’t depends a lot on the woman and kid.

The baby may inherit mental illness, or it may not. It may sadly die prematurely from any number of things preventable and otherwise. The baby may also not live up to its full potential because he didn’t go to med school, he went to plumber school.

I can’t tell if your worry is actually jealousy, your sister has a husband and a baby on the way, and you have what exactly… the time to sit and be nasty?

I’m also not convinced your sister doesn’t have a right to be angry, I wouldn’t be too happy with my family or my husband’s family if they didn’t want me to have a full and healthy life. Again, she’s married and having a baby with her husband. She could do a lot worse.

As for how you guys remember your childhood, so what? My sister and I talk about our childhood and it’s funny what we do and don’t remember. We got talking the other day about how we used to stay up and watch Saturday Night Live and hope like hell we wouldn’t get caught. Then we’ve talked about things either she or I remember.. one of them was a major home renovation my parents did, believe it or not, I don’t remember it and I’m the older sister. How or why I don’t remember it, I don’t know, the point is I don’t. I wouldn’t like my sister too much if she blamed my brain or my physical disability (I do have one) on my inability to remember. The renovation was done over 30 years ago and the house was sold about 20 years ago so at this point, the only thing that matters is how we treat each other.

I also wonder if your parents may have been abusive to your sister, it tends to happen with children who have physical disabilities because they tend to need a different type of care and involvement, I’d imagine the same might happen with a mental health issue. I’ve also never heard someone say “They’re not perfect” to mean anything other then “they did a really sh**ty job, but hey, you just have to be nice because they’re not perfect”.
Given that you and your family don’t seem to think your sister has the right to make decisions, I do have to wonder.

And, if you’re worried that you’ll have to parent this child, you won’t. The court won’t drop the kid off at your doorstep and tell you to step up. You have to actually agree to take the child if it even gets to that point.

[Anonymous]

There is no need to worry, this is not your child OP and you have absolutely no control over the situation.

If your sister can't care for her child, her dh will be responsible and then the foster care system. I can see why you would worry for the child, but there is nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

She sounds way more functional than a lot of people who are mentally ill. So what if she needs a lot of support--sounds like she's getting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some responses here have been very helpful. Others are pretty judgmental and one sided.

My sister had a lot of issues growing up. I am not so worried about autism and ADHD. The bipolar is what it really worries me, she has intense mood swings, isn't necessarily on meds and has shown to have poor judgment with relationships. She has trouble taking care of herself in basic ways, and needs a lot of support. She is fortunate that her husband is very supportive. I don't know if he has a learning disability, he might have slight one. He is employed in a blue collar job. His family is very close knit and is very involved in their lives. His mom is a bit of helicopter parent.

My family was extremely dysfunctional for various reasons. I was not the golden child. What happened is that my sister needed lots of support and so the other children to some extent were supposed to grow up fast and be perfect and not cause too much trouble.

I am not jealous she is having a child. I am worried about the child. I don't know if she has what it takes to be a good parent and I worry that the child might not get what it needs from her. We don't talk once a year, we see each other once a year. We do calls in between but they are usually pretty one sided and they are all about her and her issues but she doesn't think to ask about me or anything in my life. So I don't usually call her very often. I feel she might not be equipped to handle being a parent. She didn't have a good relationship especially with my dad, and I don't have a super close relationship with my parents either. I am concerned that she is taking on more than she can at this time.

Again…what does this have to do with you? It’s not your choice if the sister you clearly resent for being forced to “grow up fast” (btw that’s still your parents fault and not your sisters…) decides to have a kid. And it’s even weirder because there’s seemingly nothing wrong with her husband besides him having a blue collar job. I hope you are being treated by a mental health professional because you are obsessing over the life choices of someone you see in person once a year. Besides that your worried for the child that doesn’t exist not getting the things that your sister hasn’t even had the opportunity to fail at yet? Can you not see why she wouldn’t bother with any of you?

[Anonymous]

Jeez, people are so mean. I read OP to be sincerely concerned for her future niece or nephew. It’s okay to worry about a child. And it’s okay for her to recognize that her sister’s illness is going to impact the child’s life. It sounds like the sister’s illness is not well treated or managed. I would suspect her husband maybe struggling along. There’s not much you can do, OP, other than try to maintain some contacts with your sister so she does have a support network, and try to have a good relationship with your BIL. It sounds like he will need a good support network and luckily at the moment he has one with his family.

My MIL is either bipolar or has BPD (differing diagnoses) but it really impacted my husband growing up—the fact she was married to a great, stable guy was a mitigating factor but not really an indication that she was doing great. He just never wanted to leave her, particularly as she would threaten suicide if he tried to discuss it. He was a glass half full kind of guy and tried to focus on her good days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP may have some valid concerns. My grandmother was bipolar, and ended up almost killing my father twice as an infant. First, she almost starved him to death, and his grandparents stepped in to save his life, and second, she almost burned him alive during a manic episode. His four year old sister saved him that time.

So what? My husband’s mother has bipolar and BPD and was hospitalized a number of times during his childhood for psychiatric episodes. He’s super successful and well adjusted. Do you see how dumb one off anecdotes are?

OP’s post comes across as her wanting to punish her sister for cutting off her parents. Your sister doesn’t like your parents and probably doesn’t like you. Let it go. Maybe it’s unfair but it is what it is. I don’t believe you are motivated by love for a child you haven’t met because they don’t exist yet. You can’t do anything about it and there aren’t really any options for the child that wouldn’t be traumatic. I’m actually curious as to whether OP is married with children as well or if it is jealousy at the undeserving sister having something they don’t have.

I'd bet your husband would have loved to have a family member concerned about his well being during that time or even a mother who was healthy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The differences between this thread (my sister is bipolar, is a bad driver, and doesn’t speak to my parents) and the other thread about the majorly depressed mother (delusional, verbally abusive towards her children, cannot remember her prior actions/blacks out, having a nervous breakdown) are amazingly hypocritical.

This thread: sister with bipolar is bad, OP should consider calling CPS, sister will probably be abusive and neglectful, this is terrible


The depressed mother thread: we support you, same thing is happening to me, don’t give up, keep going, you can do it!

WTAF people?! Bipolar and major depression with delusions are both mental illnesses. So why are we still stigmatizing people for this? For one poster everyone has their hands on her back, tells her how much they support her and even can relate to her. On the other, they’re giving that OP advice on how to get the unborn baby taken away and are extremely judgmental.

The other thread is here BTW. SMH at the posters here. We won’t get ANYWHERE with helping people with mental illnesses with the attitudes in this thread.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1057172.page

Kindly unless you were raised by or have spent extensive time with children raised by several mentally ill people who refuse medication and treatment. STFU
. depression and Bipolar disorder are not the same.
And mom in the other thread isn't just depressed
She is also a serious danger to herself and her daughter. Pretending like it's not the case does not help mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The differences between this thread (my sister is bipolar, is a bad driver, and doesn’t speak to my parents) and the other thread about the majorly depressed mother (delusional, verbally abusive towards her children, cannot remember her prior actions/blacks out, having a nervous breakdown) are amazingly hypocritical.

This thread: sister with bipolar is bad, OP should consider calling CPS, sister will probably be abusive and neglectful, this is terrible


The depressed mother thread: we support you, same thing is happening to me, don’t give up, keep going, you can do it!

WTAF people?! Bipolar and major depression with delusions are both mental illnesses. So why are we still stigmatizing people for this? For one poster everyone has their hands on her back, tells her how much they support her and even can relate to her. On the other, they’re giving that OP advice on how to get the unborn baby taken away and are extremely judgmental.

The other thread is here BTW. SMH at the posters here. We won’t get ANYWHERE with helping people with mental illnesses with the attitudes in this thread.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1057172.page

Kindly unless you were raised by or have spent extensive time with children raised by several mentally ill people who refuse medication and treatment. STFU
. depression and Bipolar disorder are not the same.
And mom in the other thread isn't just depressed
She is also a serious danger to herself and her daughter. Pretending like it's not the case does not help mental health.

Looks like you completely didn't understand the prior post. But good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, people are so mean. I read OP to be sincerely concerned for her future niece or nephew. It’s okay to worry about a child. And it’s okay for her to recognize that her sister’s illness is going to impact the child’s life. It sounds like the sister’s illness is not well treated or managed. I would suspect her husband maybe struggling along. There’s not much you can do, OP, other than try to maintain some contacts with your sister so she does have a support network, and try to have a good relationship with your BIL. It sounds like he will need a good support network and luckily at the moment he has one with his family.

My MIL is either bipolar or has BPD (differing diagnoses) but it really impacted my husband growing up—the fact she was married to a great, stable guy was a mitigating factor but not really an indication that she was doing great. He just never wanted to leave her, particularly as she would threaten suicide if he tried to discuss it. He was a glass half full kind of guy and tried to focus on her good days.

I actually have a similar family background to the OP, right down to a sister who’s been in multiple car accidents due to recklessness, then got pregnant. So I understand having concern. But from reading what OP’s shared, it sounds less like concern and more like a continued pattern of maintaining her sister as the troubled one who’s always messing things up. A dynamic that started in their childhood and that the family doesn’t seem to want to let go of, even when the sister has moved on. OP said her sister’s had a difficult past, but about her present she’s said the sister has a good husband and caring in-laws. The worst thing she’s said about her sister at present is that she’s self-absorbed on phone calls and that her husband isn’t a lawyer or doctor. Big deal.

(My sister has been a mostly good mother to my nephew over the past decade she’s been a mom, btw. No more car accidents. When there are concerns about actual issues that exist- not hypothetical ones- I talk to her directly about them.)

[Anonymous]

OP this is none of your business. You are not close to your sister, who seems to have taken the wise step of distancing herself from your family, which you describe as dysfunctional and she might have experienced differently than you.

Your mother in law is not an expert on whether your sister will be a good mother.

The choices you and your siblings made have nothing to do with whether your sister will be a good mother.

It is not a tragedy when dysfunctional or abusive grandparents don’t see their grandchildren. It is something called “natural consequences”

Find a use for your time and energy other than one-sided enmeshment in your sisters life. If your sister were the one posting I would tell her to be very cautious about how much exposure her child had to YOU, since obviously you think the baby shouldn’t exist.

[Anonymous]

You are tremendously overestimating what it takes to be a good parent. It’s natural, since you haven’t done it. But some humility is warranted.