Mentally Ill Sister Having a Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, people are so mean. I read OP to be sincerely concerned for her future niece or nephew. It’s okay to worry about a child. And it’s okay for her to recognize that her sister’s illness is going to impact the child’s life. It sounds like the sister’s illness is not well treated or managed. I would suspect her husband maybe struggling along. There’s not much you can do, OP, other than try to maintain some contacts with your sister so she does have a support network, and try to have a good relationship with your BIL. It sounds like he will need a good support network and luckily at the moment he has one with his family.

My MIL is either bipolar or has BPD (differing diagnoses) but it really impacted my husband growing up—the fact she was married to a great, stable guy was a mitigating factor but not really an indication that she was doing great. He just never wanted to leave her, particularly as she would threaten suicide if he tried to discuss it. He was a glass half full kind of guy and tried to focus on her good days.

No one has a perfect parent but most people grow up to be just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her child will not necessarily inherit her mental illness. My father had schizoaffective disorder. My sister inherited it from him but I did not.

But the child will be raised by a mentally ill parent.

Yes, that is true. And as the person you responded to, I can tell you that was very hard at times. But I can also tell you that I grew up to be a healthy, happy, stable person with a family I adore, good friends, and a career I love. This child is far from doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is mentally ill and has been in and out of institutions for much of her life. She has had electroshock therapy and been violent in the past. She got married a few years ago and cut off both our parents. My parents did a lot for her, but she claims they treated her poorly. My parents are not perfect but they did their best considering how difficult she was. Her husband seems to care a lot about her and she seems to be doing better.

However, she is pregnant. Even my MIL has said in the past to me privately that she feels she shouldn't have children. My sister is definitely on the spectrum and has a hard time understanding and interacting with other people. She does not have many friends and struggles with doing basic things. She is very much in her own world and has trouble functioning. She has been in multiple car crashes because she is so inattentive and is always misinterpreting situations in social settings. I am glad she is in a happy relationship but I am very concerned about her having a baby. She is an adult but I feel that I worry about her ability to be a parent.

Does anyone have experience with a mentally ill sibling having a child? How did they do?

Very tough situation.

Does the father have any issues? If so, I’d step aside entirely, not much can be done. If not, things will likely go bad as unhealthy people can’t raise a family easily with an unhealthy, dysfunctional spouse or coparent. Slight chance he’ll raise/protect the kid, work and take care of your mentally ill sister but that is exhausting and damaging to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had been on meds for many years, including lithium. I don't know what she is doing right now with being pregnant. I really am concerned the baby would also suffer from mental illness. I chose not to have children for this reason. None of my other siblings have children, the mental illness has been very concerning. She has had multiple suicide attempts.

Oh no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are both mentally ill and are both borderline nonfunctional. Help from family, even if they did not always do the right thing, really saved my life. I am a productive member of society, sane, and have a healthy family of my own. Please be a part of this child’s life OP; you could be the person who keeps them from having a horrible outcome.

Wow, would love to meet you, I have one other friend who escaped a schitzo mom whom the father never left, though they’ve lived separate for decades now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your options are:

1. Try to help your sister

2. Call CPS if you have actual knowledge that the child is being harmed after it’s born

You can worry all you want but you don’t have any control over this situation. Get therapy if you need help processing your concern.

Why does your MIL have an opinion on your sister? Why are you gossiping about your sister with your MIL?

CPS is a joke, don’t bother, so is family court.

If she’s not a good parent all you can hope for is she leaves the child alone to people who do know how to care and interact with the child. Focus on that- grandmother, sitter, other parent, etc. And EVrRYoNE needs to know the full situation of the unstable, dysfunctional, mentally ill parent in order to avoid tragic accidents. Safety is not an accident. Frankly CPS would nail the healthy parent for leaving a young child or paper or any kid under 12 with someone mentally ill, neglectful, careless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people on this thread saying this is a troll are awful. This is my family and a real situation.

I do agree additional therapy would be helpful to work through the feelings that the pregnancy is bringing up with our family dysfunction.

I am not gossiping with my MIL about my sister. She has been at mutual family events in the past and my sister's behavior is concerning enough at these family events to have others realize that she has some issues that have not been totally resolved. I am close to my MIL and it's fair to have her bring up her concerns with me too. I don't want children myself. MIL has no stakes in this at all with my sister so the fact that she also feels my sister would struggle as a parent should also be a red flag that my sister is probably not being realistic about her own abilities to be there for this child.

Does the spouse and in laws know about the diagnoses, previous issues, treatment, etc.?
You’ll all look like a-holes if they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people on this thread saying this is a troll are awful. This is my family and a real situation.

I do agree additional therapy would be helpful to work through the feelings that the pregnancy is bringing up with our family dysfunction.

I am not gossiping with my MIL about my sister. She has been at mutual family events in the past and my sister's behavior is concerning enough at these family events to have others realize that she has some issues that have not been totally resolved. I am close to my MIL and it's fair to have her bring up her concerns with me too. I don't want children myself. MIL has no stakes in this at all with my sister so the fact that she also feels my sister would struggle as a parent should also be a red flag that my sister is probably not being realistic about her own abilities to be there for this child.

You’re right but nothing can be done.

Bad parents give birth all the time… and then continue to be horrible parents who damage their kids. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some responses here have been very helpful. Others are pretty judgmental and one sided.

My sister had a lot of issues growing up. I am not so worried about autism and ADHD. The bipolar is what it really worries me, she has intense mood swings, isn't necessarily on meds and has shown to have poor judgment with relationships. She has trouble taking care of herself in basic ways, and needs a lot of support. She is fortunate that her husband is very supportive. I don't know if he has a learning disability, he might have slight one. He is employed in a blue collar job. His family is very close knit and is very involved in their lives. His mom is a bit of helicopter parent.

My family was extremely dysfunctional for various reasons. I was not the golden child. What happened is that my sister needed lots of support and so the other children to some extent were supposed to grow up fast and be perfect and not cause too much trouble.

I am not jealous she is having a child. I am worried about the child. I don't know if she has what it takes to be a good parent and I worry that the child might not get what it needs from her. We don't talk once a year, we see each other once a year. We do calls in between but they are usually pretty one sided and they are all about her and her issues but she doesn't think to ask about me or anything in my life. So I don't usually call her very often. I feel she might not be equipped to handle being a parent. She didn't have a good relationship especially with my dad, and I don't have a super close relationship with my parents either. I am concerned that she is taking on more than she can at this time.

You're not super close to your parents, but throughout this thread you've said they're 100% supportive of your sister, said it breaks your heart they may not get to meet your sister's unborn child, that they didn't deserve your sister cutting them off. You state that you feel that she partially cut your parents off because they "made sure" she took psychiatric meds, but she doesn't want to take them, but you feel she needs to take them. Throughout this thread you've done a lot of identification with and defense of your parents. For your sister, you've done a lot of saying she needs to be medicated, that she's mentally ill, and that her husband is probably mentally off as well.


You're "worried." You "feel." You're "concerned." Even though you admit she has her close-knit, involved in laws. Why is this your worry? Because you are making it your worry. The child is not born. You have no idea what kind of mother she'll be. And if there are issues, she has her loving in-laws to express concern.

Thank goodness you’ve never had to raise or take care of someone mentally ill, who’s belligerent and won’t do their therapies or take their meds.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Including your own adult kids or sister.

[Anonymous]

Your concerns are completely valid. Aside from manic and depressive episodes she has a history of multiple car accidents, suicide attempts, and violence towards others. Posters are minimizing this as some kind of defense against those with mental health issues but their comments are not realistic. Parents who are unable to provide a basic level of safety to their children are not “great parents” and you are not ridiculous for worrying.

While there is not much you can do it is wonderful that her husband is stable and supportive and that MIL is heavily involved. These are protective factors and, if they provide a lot of care for the child, it is very likely this child will be ok. It sounds like they understand your sister needs continued support and will be stepping that up. My guess is that MIL will end up helping out a lot at home and that will be good for the baby.

[Anonymous]

It's just unclear what the OP wanted here. The explicit question was, how did it turn out for your mentally ill family member who had a baby? Fair enough, I have many examples. I have a family member with bipolar who raised a now-adult son. She has been given the best care available and been supported endlessly by her husband for 40+ years. She was employed, raised two kids, and in a strong relationship for most of her life. Now elderly, she is a terrific grandma.

I got negative stories too. The issue with OP is that she gave a lot of extra details that show all she really wanted was validation and confirmation of her view along the lines of " how irresponsible of your mentally ill sister to have a baby, how terrible," and etc. Also her details of "on the spectrum" and "electroshock therapy" and " in institutions" and " on lithium" and "violent" ... ugh, I am just not sure. The OP is what you call an unreliable narrator.

The unreliable narrator makes you believe a story is about one thing, but really it is about something else. The unreliable narrator also gets you to abandon moral principles, such as the idea that disabled people have rights. The good readers in this thread picked up on all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are right on those diagnoses plus other things. She has seen many psychiatrists in the past but I am not sure if she is still getting help. The father does seem hands-on and present and his mother is very involved in their lives, so I am hoping they can provide a lot of support too. I don't live close by. We don't talk that often but we have another sibling who is pretty close to her and lives in the same state who can also provide more support. I feel the child might really have a tough time with her as a mom. She is not very self aware or cognizant of what other people need from her. In our conversations, I keep it short because she never thinks to ask about me or how I am doing. It's always all about her and her life.

The way she remembers our childhood is genuinely disturbing because I will have been at the same event and she recalls it totally differently. I think she lost a lot of memory during electroshock therapy or her mind has dealt with things in a way to not remember or twist around what truly happened. I hope she will be okay with a lot of support.

This rewriting the narratives or denying what actually happened is common in ASD and bipolar. Their brain literally did not record what happened or their maladaptive coping mechanisms rewrite things with them as a victim or good guy. Don’t bother trying to straighten it out or reason with them; they love an argument and it gets you the bad guy label from them no matter what. You will truly be walking on eggshells with them forever. Detach emotionally.

You are full of sh*t. What an ignorant and incorrect comment.

Why are you feeding this ridiculous troll?

[Anonymous]

This is a TROLL post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just unclear what the OP wanted here. The explicit question was, how did it turn out for your mentally ill family member who had a baby? Fair enough, I have many examples. I have a family member with bipolar who raised a now-adult son. She has been given the best care available and been supported endlessly by her husband for 40+ years. She was employed, raised two kids, and in a strong relationship for most of her life. Now elderly, she is a terrific grandma.

I got negative stories too. The issue with OP is that she gave a lot of extra details that show all she really wanted was validation and confirmation of her view along the lines of " how irresponsible of your mentally ill sister to have a baby, how terrible," and etc. Also her details of "on the spectrum" and "electroshock therapy" and " in institutions" and " on lithium" and "violent" ... ugh, I am just not sure. The OP is what you call an unreliable narrator.

The unreliable narrator makes you believe a story is about one thing, but really it is about something else. The unreliable narrator also gets you to abandon moral principles, such as the idea that disabled people have rights. The good readers in this thread picked up on all of that.

Pp absolutely nails it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just unclear what the OP wanted here. The explicit question was, how did it turn out for your mentally ill family member who had a baby? Fair enough, I have many examples. I have a family member with bipolar who raised a now-adult son. She has been given the best care available and been supported endlessly by her husband for 40+ years. She was employed, raised two kids, and in a strong relationship for most of her life. Now elderly, she is a terrific grandma.

I got negative stories too. The issue with OP is that she gave a lot of extra details that show all she really wanted was validation and confirmation of her view along the lines of " how irresponsible of your mentally ill sister to have a baby, how terrible," and etc. Also her details of "on the spectrum" and "electroshock therapy" and " in institutions" and " on lithium" and "violent" ... ugh, I am just not sure. The OP is what you call an unreliable narrator.

The unreliable narrator makes you believe a story is about one thing, but really it is about something else. The unreliable narrator also gets you to abandon moral principles, such as the idea that disabled people have rights. The good readers in this thread picked up on all of that.

Exactly. I don’t think most posters in this thread are trying to hand wave away the damage that can be done to children being raised by unstable parents. I’ve lived it myself.

It’s just that with every detail OP adds to the thread, it becomes increasingly clear the sister is the family scapegoat and OP’s side of the story becomes murkier and murkier. OP should focus on her own life- that will benefit herself and her sister. There is nothing OP can do, and it doesn’t sound like OP would ever need to anything anyway- she said the sister’s doing better lately and she has strong family-in-law. Like a PP said, the thread title makes it seem like she’s living under a bridge or in and out of institutions in the present day. That’s not the case. Sorry you can’t rally an army of angry validators when from everything you say, OP, your sister has gotten her life out of the hands of those who can only view her as the bad seed and on to the right track.