Parenting While Depressed

[Anonymous]

Not sure this is the right place but I’m struggling.

I’ve struggled with depression since having multiples a few years back. I got medication and a therapist. I pushed through, returned to work, and received multiple promotions and peaked. I felt so insecure when it came to work. The higher I went, the worse it got. I’m also AA and the only AA leader. It could be all in my head, but I felt like an alien. I felt like I was on eggshells (some in my head but there were also some incidents that support I wasnt completely paranoid).

Like seriously—-I’m pretty meek (I don’t know how I ever ended up a leader) but was told I came across as aggressive on multiple occasions. I doubt many things, but I know this wasn’t true.

I started being left out of key meetings. That fed my paranoia. So what did I do? I worked harder and harder to prove I belonged. I was pulling all nighters to make sure I was prepared. As a consequence, I was neglecting my husband and kids. Work became everything (some unresolved childhood trauma—being poor, hungry, no electricity, homeless, never feeling financially safe)

Anywho—- Covid hit. Sh!+ hit the fan. I couldn’t hold it together anymore. Some leaders across the world stepped up to the plate and others fell on their faces. I fell and it was a long way down.

I became delusional. I don’t remember much. I stopped sleeping, eating, and bathing. I isolated in a room and shut everyone out. My husband took the kids to his parents so the kids wouldn’t see me this way. He called my family so that they could send someone to care for me. When he returned he asked me to stop working and I agreed it was the right thing to do.

Fast forward to 2022 I’m riding in the car with my daughter (8 yo). She asked me why would I ever say F-you to her. I told her I would never say something like that. I knew that I wouldn’t ever. She was adamant that I said it. She said she knew she wasn’t dreaming. It really happened. When we got home I asked my husband about it later that night. He confirmed that I did say it along with some other things. I have no memory of this. I am and was crushed. I cried. My heart broke. I love my daughter with everything in me. She is a wonderful child. She is kind, smart, thoughtful, beautiful—-but now she feels like she isn’t loved and isn’t good enough.

I tried to explain that mommy’s mind/brain was very sick. I don’t remember, I’m sorry, I was very ill. Every now and then she brings it up. Today she had an incident at school. She said she felt like a balloon that had too much air and popped. She pushed a girl who was 1 of 3 older girls picking on her. She said all the negative things she has ever heard built up and so she pushed the girl and that she didn’t regret it.

She then ran and hid under a table and cried. She wouldn’t come out. She told the teacher she was terrified of being punished. She made it seem like we were going to lock her in the basement and not feed her. Mind you we don’t spank our children. They lose out on activities, tablets, time outs, talking it out (rarely do we even raise our voices). I grew up with beating and we have worked so hard to make our home a safe place—-with the exception of me being mentally unwell.

I wish she could forget. However, I know she will never. I show her I love her and that she can trust me—she says she does but then something happens and what I said seems to always be the root.

How do we move forward? How do I not screw her up for life? Therapy is so expensive. I’m currently not working. I don’t know if I ever will work again. I get easily overwhelmed and paralyzed with anxiety. We had her in therapy for a little bit until we just couldn’t afford it any more.

We’re so close, yet far—-she will never trust the the love I have for her.

She is a wonderful child. She truly is a wonderful child. I don’t want to screw up her life. Living in a world where you feel like your own mother doesn’t love you can be catastrophic.

[Anonymous]

My heart is with you OP. You are a strong, amazing person. My advice is to apologize and say I never meant to say F-you, I love you, and our family is the most important thing in the world to me. Tell your daughter that it is ok to be mad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, etc... We can always talk about it and life is going to present these situations. Let her know you appreciate her honesty about how she felt when she pushed the girl. Talk out/role play on how she could handle that differently next time. We are growing and learning with our kids. Ongoing dialogue about that may be just as valuable as therapy. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Hugs.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health the past two years and my kids have witnessed all sorts of behaviour that I am ashamed of. Therapy, meds only help so much and we live in a a small house away from family and there’s just no where to hide.

I’ve just been honest with my kids about things being harder for me and it’s not their fault. I’ve scheduled counselling sessions for them so they feel they have places they can talk.

The reality is that all parents are human and our actions are always going to impact our kids. However. We humans are also quite resilient! So instead internalising the shame, you can model how to take responsibility, apologize and forgive. You are breaking the cycle that triggered your burnout. Your child will create better boundaries, knowing she is good enough.

It’s obviously a process that I am currently working through and it’s not easy but you have to trust yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP I relate to you deeply. I also have a very similar background, am also a minority women, and also pushed myself to reach the top while suffering mental issues. A couple of things that saved me: having a therapist throughout, and importantly, my sister insisting I get with a psychiatrist, and diet and praying. By taking care of myself in small ways, I slowly built up some resistance to ending up off the cliff.

And concur with the other posters- your child had a difficult time because of a health issue of yours. Hug her and tell her it’s okay and try to keep the dialogue open.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, I really feel for all you're going through. That is all so heavy and difficult. I see that you have had therapy and also medication. Does your therapy specifically address your childhood trauma?

The stuff with your daughter is really concerning. Have you considered inpatient treatment, where you can be away and just focus on getting yourself better?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any advice but I did want to say that I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, I really feel for all you're going through. That is all so heavy and difficult. I see that you have had therapy and also medication. Does your therapy specifically address your childhood trauma?

The stuff with your daughter is really concerning. Have you considered inpatient treatment, where you can be away and just focus on getting yourself better?

Also, I'd really recommend reading the books The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. It Wasn't Your Fault by Beverly Engel and Journey through Trauma by Gretchen Schmelzer are also good.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP, I am just sending you strength, although you are already strong.

First off, try try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break. You were very sick and are recovering.

As far as your daughter, do you have a pediatrician you can speak with? Your daughter's reaction is understandable - she doesn't really have the capacity to process what happened. I am not a therapist, but it seems to me that your daughter needs to understand that you were really sick, even if you weren't in the hospital/it wasn't physical and it made your mind not work the right way, but you are being treated and are getting better. Just reassurance.

All the best to you - it's been a hard couple of years for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I am struggling as well and feel like I'm failing my amazing child - being impatient, grouchy, snapping at him and making him feel unloved, even though I TELL him all the time how much I love him.

[Anonymous]

Different dynamics with my mom’s mental illness but I will tell you the one thing that you are already doing that she never did that I think would have made such a difference in our relationship. She would never admit that she had done anything that impacted me negatively. She always turned it back to her own distress. I want to think that you are already making a huge difference for your daughter by acknowledging what happened and being open to hearing from her.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I think family therapy and a therapist for your kid to go to alone would both be very helpful. She has been through a trauma so someone to help her cope with it would be good--and she is at higher risk of mental illness given her family history of it, so learning coping skills now and having a professional observe her could make things easier for her as she grows up.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. People make mistakes. This doesn’t have to be be defining moment you think it is. I’d try containing to apologize to your daughter and make sure she understands you were sick. Someone above posted this it’s a big deal you’ve admitted you were wrong and I agree with this.

Hugs. You sound like a great mom and I mean it.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry Op, sending you hugs, you are doing great by being open to your daughter and telling her your mental health issues are the reason why you said those words and that you are sorry and working on it. I think being transparent and consistent is key.

Now I don’t want to minimize but I came here to say that whatever happens you may have had to face tough moments with your daughter.

Let me explain : I am an extremely level headed person, to the point that I am the rock of a lot of my friends dealing with depression and anxiety. That’s kind of my thing. Not sure why, but I bring them peace and support and my own mood has always been very stable, since as far as My childhood memories go.

My daughter though is like my husband. Wonderfully sensitive person. She feels a lot. And strongly. And I often think, watching some of her reactions “oh wow, so and so who is worried about their own kids reaction to their depression would feel really guilty if their daughter reacted like this”. My friends in a similar situation would think it is their fault,it is their depression or recent emotional crisis that would have been the cause of that particular meltdown.

Whereas I am lucky to know that I am not. I am not delusional, I am not saying I have absolutely nothing to do with my daughter’s emotional state. But I know that I did nothing wrong and that I am not the essential trigger of this particular emotional state. So I can be there for my daughter, help her, accompany her, without letting the guilt cloud my judgment and reactions.

That’s what I wish for you OP. Don’t let the guilt overwhelm you and interfere in your relation with your daughter. Own what you should own (say sorry for saying mean words). But don’t link (or accept) all behaviors to the moments where you messed up. Your daughter is also responsible for some of her feelings. I don’t mean it to say you should be harder on her, just that you should be there for her, outside of your own actions of feelings. Hope that will make some sense..

[Anonymous]

I think you should write her a note saying "I was really sick and did and said things I wouldn't do and say when healthy. I am SO sorry I said such a horrible thing to you. I am healthy now and have lots of resources to stay healthy. My goal is for that to never happen again. If it does, know it has nothing to do with you, you're not responsible for me, my actions or my words (only I am) and I always love you."

Having something tangible she can read and re-read might help what you're saying become more concrete in her head.

And hey, talk to her about mental health, and anger management. "Wow, I'm REALLY angry right now - so angry I can feel that my breathing has changed. I'm going to walk around the block to calm down before I say something inappropriate." "I'm making my bed and raising the shades so my room is clean and bright - it helps people feel more cheery. What makes you feel more cheery?"

[Anonymous]

I know there are terrible waitlists for therapy even if you have decent insurance, but don’t give up. Perhaps there are some sliding scale providers DCUM can recommend.