Mentally Ill Sister Having a Baby

[Anonymous]

My sister is mentally ill and has been in and out of institutions for much of her life. She has had electroshock therapy and been violent in the past. She got married a few years ago and cut off both our parents. My parents did a lot for her, but she claims they treated her poorly. My parents are not perfect but they did their best considering how difficult she was. Her husband seems to care a lot about her and she seems to be doing better.

However, she is pregnant. Even my MIL has said in the past to me privately that she feels she shouldn't have children. My sister is definitely on the spectrum and has a hard time understanding and interacting with other people. She does not have many friends and struggles with doing basic things. She is very much in her own world and has trouble functioning. She has been in multiple car crashes because she is so inattentive and is always misinterpreting situations in social settings. I am glad she is in a happy relationship but I am very concerned about her having a baby. She is an adult but I feel that I worry about her ability to be a parent.

Does anyone have experience with a mentally ill sibling having a child? How did they do?

[Anonymous]

The baby is none of your concern. Maybe her introspection will make her an excellent mother focused on the infant's care.

[Anonymous]

It is a concern when she has trouble functioning and doing basic things. I worry that it is too much for her to handle and it would be difficult for the child as well. Just in the same way that people are concerned Britney Spears is pregnant again and doing questionable things that make people worry about her ability to be a good parent to this child at a stage in her life.

[Anonymous]

Is she on medications? If so, her pregnancy may not be viable.

Also, mental illness does have a genetic component so the baby might want yo be monitored in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Your sister cut off your parents, but does she still speak with you?

[Anonymous]

She had been on meds for many years, including lithium. I don't know what she is doing right now with being pregnant. I really am concerned the baby would also suffer from mental illness. I chose not to have children for this reason. None of my other siblings have children, the mental illness has been very concerning. She has had multiple suicide attempts.

[Anonymous]

She still speaks with me, we are not very close. I try to keep her at a distance because of her violent behavior in the past. I see her maybe once a year. I have another sibling who lives closer to her and sees her more often.

[Anonymous]

There really isn't much you can do. If she is abusing or neglecting the child you can see if she'll let you have guardianship (contact a family lawyer to see what the options are in your state) and decide if you'd be willing to take the child if he or she comes into foster care. If your sister lives in a different state from you expect things to be extra complicated.

Try to stay close to your sister and her child--if your sister is willing, babysit or visit or have them visit you (and eventually maybe host the child for some school breaks or other time).

I know people who have had mentally ill parents. Some were raised by them the whole time, others went into foster care or were informally cared for by relatives or family friends. One thing they all have in common is that they love their moms. They recognize the flaws and weirdnesses in their upbringing but it's still their mom and they don't need someone talking down about her. So even if your niece or nephew eventually realizes that her mom was unusual or not a great parent, there is likely to be a lot of love there and not denying it or downplaying it--while also acknowledging the things the child eventually identifies as unusual--is very helpful. But it's not your job to point out the weirdness. Just love the kid and provide support where you can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand your concerns and how this must weigh on you. I don't have have experience to share, or wisdom on how to cope with this, but I just wanted to say that I get it.

[Anonymous]

Her child will not necessarily inherit her mental illness. My father had schizoaffective disorder. My sister inherited it from him but I did not.

[Anonymous]

You sister sounds as if she has some form of autism as well as severe inattentive ADHD, just like my son. Does she have official diagnoses, and would she be open to an evaluation by a psychologist or psychiatrist? Medications work very well for ADHD - has she tried them? My son benefited from early intervention therapies, extensive coaching for his executive functioning, tutoring and the knowledge of what he suffers from and how his brain is different. He's as prepared as he can be for independent living.

I agree that this situation sounds concerning for the baby. I hope the father can be very hands-on and present. I worry about bouts of anger, panic, distractions and possible PPD. If you two keep in touch and she tells you things, just know that sometimes PPD can be averted by progesterone hormones. SSRIs, if ever she tries them, can have some adverse side effects. Be on the lookout for these things as she navigates motherhood, since she doesn't have a lot of margin of error. She might need ADHD meds to look after her child well.

One of my aunts had low IQ and a disability due to an accident at birth. She had difficulty parenting her child as a single parent, and my mother and other aunts did have to step in multiple times. It's very difficult to be a neurotypical child with such a parent, and their relationship was never easy and often volatile.

I hope you can be a nurturing presence in this child's life. Be on the lookout for sign of mental disorders, since they are inheritable (my son inherited his ADHD from both his parents, and his Asperger's from his father). Try to develop a good relationship with the father, so that you can work as a team to smooth out problems with your sister.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful answers. It was a big break in our family when she cut off my parents. They were devastated and they didn't deserve this from her. They supported her 100 percent and gave her so much during the worst of her illness. It breaks my heart that my parents might not ever meet this grandchild. But I guess all we can do is hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

22:21 again. I'm just now reading your second post, OP. Lithium is a bipolar disorder treatment. Are doctors certain that is what she suffers from? Because you didn't mention any typical Bipolar symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are right on those diagnoses plus other things. She has seen many psychiatrists in the past but I am not sure if she is still getting help. The father does seem hands-on and present and his mother is very involved in their lives, so I am hoping they can provide a lot of support too. I don't live close by. We don't talk that often but we have another sibling who is pretty close to her and lives in the same state who can also provide more support. I feel the child might really have a tough time with her as a mom. She is not very self aware or cognizant of what other people need from her. In our conversations, I keep it short because she never thinks to ask about me or how I am doing. It's always all about her and her life.

The way she remembers our childhood is genuinely disturbing because I will have been at the same event and she recalls it totally differently. I think she lost a lot of memory during electroshock therapy or her mind has dealt with things in a way to not remember or twist around what truly happened. I hope she will be okay with a lot of support.

[Anonymous]

She was diagnosed as bipolar in the past. She does go through both manic and depressive episodes. I don't know if she is on anything now or is getting proper therapy. Last she discussed it with me a few years ago she said she wasn't taking anything My parents made sure she did but I feel that part of her cutting them off was feeling that she was fine and didn't need them and they forced her to be on meds. I truly think she needs them but she is an adult and makes her own decision.