Does the lack of an age gap create more problems in marriages than we acknowledge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are looking for a man who will support you financially, it makes sense to look for an older man. He provides the money, you provide the younger body.

If you are looking for an equal partnership, then the same or similar age is good.

If that's what a woman is looking for she shouldn't marry any of them. "Date" 10 men at the same time from ages 19 to 29 then retire and day trade.

[Anonymous]

My dad was 10 year older than my mom, marriage lasted but neither intellect nor maturity matched. My mom was unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Women needed older sugar daddies because they couldn’t earn much sugar themselves, now they can get their own sugar, they only need a loving and compatible partner.

[Anonymous]

Some of my friends are married to men 5-12 years older than them, listening to them talk about their aging husband makes me feel bad for those men.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think age or money matter for finding a good mate. Compatibility and education matter, EQ and IQ matter.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have the same birth year. I think we both look pretty good and have aged similarly. Been married for 35 years. I would not want to be married to a person older than me because I want us to age together. i have no desire to be a caregiver at an early age.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a thought provoking question, but just looking back in my own family - my husband and me, my parents, my grandparents and my great grandparents all married spouses within a few years of each other. No divorces. One set of my grandparents had an age difference, but I wouldn’t say their marriage was less strong than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

DP.. how old are you?

My DH and I are in our 50s. We got married in our 30s. IMO, most men aren't really mature until they are in their early 30s. DH agrees.

Now, if you are both in your 40s, then yea, age gap doesn't matter. But, if you are looking to get married in your 20s, it matters. A lot of men in their 20s are still fairly immature and definitely not ready for family responsibilties.

1) Well that's appalling and men should try to grow up instead of just shrugging off being "immature" until the cusp of middle age.

2) Women these days are happy to wait until their early 30s to have kids anyway so none of that is relevant to the question of age gaps.

What people should do and what people actually do are two different things.

Yes, IMO, people shouldn't get married until at least 30. Even so, a lot of men in their early 30s aren't ready for family responsibilities either, whereas the woman is hitting that biological clock ticking.

FWIW I had kids in my mid 30s.

[Anonymous]

I’m from a conservative culture where moms looked for younger and prettier wives for their sons. I’ve witnessed how wrong is this practice. I want my sons to marry kind, compatible and loving women in their own age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have the same birth year. I think we both look pretty good and have aged similarly. Been married for 35 years. I would not want to be married to a person older than me because I want us to age together. i have no desire to be a caregiver at an early age.

statistically, your DH will die several years before you.

The age gap doesn't have to be 10 to 15 years such that you end up as a caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Marry a woman who loves you and makes you happy if you are looking for a life mate. If you are just dating, knock yourself out with physical attributes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

DP.. how old are you?

My DH and I are in our 50s. We got married in our 30s. IMO, most men aren't really mature until they are in their early 30s. DH agrees.

Now, if you are both in your 40s, then yea, age gap doesn't matter. But, if you are looking to get married in your 20s, it matters. A lot of men in their 20s are still fairly immature and definitely not ready for family responsibilties.

1) Well that's appalling and men should try to grow up instead of just shrugging off being "immature" until the cusp of middle age.

2) Women these days are happy to wait until their early 30s to have kids anyway so none of that is relevant to the question of age gaps.

What people should do and what people actually do are two different things.

Yes, IMO, people shouldn't get married until at least 30. Even so, a lot of men in their early 30s aren't ready for family responsibilities either, whereas the woman is hitting that biological clock ticking.

FWIW I had kids in my mid 30s.

IMO people should get married in their late 20s and stop pretending they're still kids when they aren't. But as you say, what people should do and actually do are two different things.

But as long as we are on the subject of what people should do, women should think very carefully about marrying a man who wasn't "ready for family responsibilities" until he was on the cusp of middle age. That's a warning about what kind of person he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Men age faster and worse than men. Heart attacks, earlier death, etc.

2) Men are perfectly capable of maturing as fast as women if they are not babied and infantilized by their family and society.

DH and I were both 27 when we got married. We immediately started having kids. We already had professional jobs. It's wonderful to be married to someone the same age. We share cultural touchpoints and are in the same places professionally, so we can relate very well. Of course his hairline is receding and he has dadbod but my eye isn't wandering so all is well.

+1

+2

I was in serious to semi-serious 4 month to 1.5 year relationships with men who were: 16 years older, 4 years older, 6 years older, 2 years younger and 4 years younger before marrying my DH at age 34, who is exactly 9 months younger than me and was in the same school year class. I love our age dynamic more than I’d have expected as we’ve aged together for a few years now (in our late 30’s). We have the same song, book, internet experiences, among all the other cultural / generational elements. And it also goes for our parents, who are also all about the same age and get along really well.

Relative to my previous relationships, it’s just easy and not something I ever have to think about. We are building a life together as equal partners, as opposed to me feeling more ”inserted” into an older man’s existing life or helping a younger man figure out his path, which I did feel pangs of at various points with those other guys.

We never know what life has in store when it comes to aging and illness, but as others have said, the character and maturity of your partner and your compatibility together aren't age dependent. It’s just icing on the cake for me, personally, to feel very in sync with DH with shared past experiences and we were also on the same page when it came to starting our family, taking care of aging parents, and other timeline related decisions.

[Anonymous]

Most women live longer then their husbands, even if they were same age, if there is a 5+ gap, they are likely to take 10-20 years later.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what you expect from your marriage. If you are set on ensuring you receive some monetary benefits from marriage, then certainly, look for men who may be older, more established in their well-paid careers. A 45 year old doctor would be making better money than his 28 year old counterpart. That way, you can skip the more challenging years during his residency and training and get to simply marry the well established doctor and start family building immediately.