Does the lack of an age gap create more problems in marriages than we acknowledge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Chronological age is just a number, anyone can get sick or die at anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

DP.. how old are you?

My DH and I are in our 50s. We got married in our 30s. IMO, most men aren't really mature until they are in their early 30s. DH agrees.

Now, if you are both in your 40s, then yea, age gap doesn't matter. But, if you are looking to get married in your 20s, it matters. A lot of men in their 20s are still fairly immature and definitely not ready for family responsibilties.

1) Well that's appalling and men should try to grow up instead of just shrugging off being "immature" until the cusp of middle age.

2) Women these days are happy to wait until their early 30s to have kids anyway so none of that is relevant to the question of age gaps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. It comes down to the individuals involved. I don't think people who marry someone within 1-2 years of their age are more likely to have problems than people with a large age gap.

We have and feel our bond is much stronger for it. Same school, same college, lots of common friends, shared memories, similar experiences make it fun. I can’t imagine living with someone many years younger or older.

[Anonymous]

You should marry a friend, not a boss or subordinate.

[Anonymous]

An age-gap can also create problems — my husband is about 10 years older than I am, and he hit the cranky old man stage around 55. It’s annoying.

He’s fixated on retiring, but wants me to as well, whereas I’m still perfectly fine continuing to work and move up the career ladder.

Health issues are also cropping up, but I know that isn’t an age-only thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are not averages. They are individuals. For some people an age gap will make a lot of sense and better ensure both partners can accomplish what they want in life. Great. For others, an age gap could cause problems, create goal mismatch, and disrupt intimacy. Depends on the people.

I think instead of focusing on ages, people should focus on maturity level and similar goals. Marry someone who is at the same maturity level and shares your goals for both short and longer term plans. You might find that in someone your age, younger, or older. I know happy marriages in all three categories (same age, older guy/younger woman, older woman/younger guy). I don't think you can make a prescription that will apply to all people.

I do think it's gross when older men exclusively seek out women who are much younger than they are, especially if it's based mostly on looks. That's fine for dating but is short sighted and incredibly shallow when looking for a marital partner. I also find it gross when women seek out older men primarily for financial reasons while setting aside things like attraction and shared goals. Again, it's shortsighted -- it might solve your short-term financial issues but if you don't have other reasons to be with this person, you are going to run into some real issues when you are in your 40s and your "partner" is retirement age and you have nothing in common and aren't even that attracted to him to begin with. And I think that's where the stigma about the older guy/younger woman comes from -- people who are playing into this stereotype and ignoring the fact that looks and money are GREAT but you cannot base an entire relationship on them.

"Individual" divorce rate is 50%.

The younger and less educated you are, the more likelihood of getting divorced.

Education and age at marraige is a good predictor of whether your marriage will end up in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It comes down to the individuals involved. I don't think people who marry someone within 1-2 years of their age are more likely to have problems than people with a large age gap.

We have and feel our bond is much stronger for it. Same school, same college, lots of common friends, shared memories, similar experiences make it fun. I can’t imagine living with someone many years younger or older.

+1 and after a decade of marriage and 3 kids it's not like I'm speaking as a newlywed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An age-gap can also create problems — my husband is about 10 years older than I am, and he hit the cranky old man stage around 55. It’s annoying.

He’s fixated on retiring, but wants me to as well, whereas I’m still perfectly fine continuing to work and move up the career ladder.

Health issues are also cropping up, but I know that isn’t an age-only thing.

Too wide age gap is also a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all of the same aged couples I know (within 1-2 years of each other either way), 99% of the women look a million times better than their husbands. We are late 40s/early 50s age group. And, this is a UMC group without a single divorce in the group of about 20.

+1.

Hair loss alone explains a lot of the attractiveness gender gap. Balding is just so harsh on your looks. Also, greying facial hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ITA OP, but we'll get flamed for it.

DH is 6 years older than I am. I have always thought to marry at least 3 years older than me. And I got married in my early 30s.

My sister married someone younger than her. They divorced after two years.

of course, YMMV.

If we are talking personal anecdotes? My friend married someone 4 years older than him, then someone 5 years older than someone 2 years younger, all marriages ended up in divorce. I married someone my age, still going strong after 2 decades. He is my my soulmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ITA OP, but we'll get flamed for it.

DH is 6 years older than I am. I have always thought to marry at least 3 years older than me. And I got married in my early 30s.

My sister married someone younger than her. They divorced after two years.

of course, YMMV.

If we are talking personal anecdotes? My friend married someone 4 years older than him, then someone 5 years older than someone 2 years younger, all marriages ended up in divorce. I married someone my age, still going strong after 2 decades. He is my my soulmate.

*her not him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of the same aged couples I know (within 1-2 years of each other either way), 99% of the women look a million times better than their husbands. We are late 40s/early 50s age group. And, this is a UMC group without a single divorce in the group of about 20.

+1.

Hair loss alone explains a lot of the attractiveness gender gap. Balding is just so harsh on your looks. Also, greying facial hair.

Sorry, I should have said, greying facial hair is very aging.

[Anonymous]

My parents, grandparents, six aunts and uncles, my sibling and I all married spouses within two years of the same age. No divorces. In most cases, the women aged far better than the men, very notably so in the case of my mother and her two sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

My son won’t even consider anyone younger, only dates his own age plus minus one year. He says he can’t deal with immaturity and not looking to adopt a daughter but find an equal partner.