Does the lack of an age gap create more problems in marriages than we acknowledge?

[Anonymous]

There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

[Anonymous]

ITA OP, but we'll get flamed for it.

DH is 6 years older than I am. I have always thought to marry at least 3 years older than me. And I got married in my early 30s.

My sister married someone younger than her. They divorced after two years.

of course, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

[Anonymous]

From a purely evolutionary standpoint, sure--it makes sense for a wealthy established man to procreate with a young, fertile woman because he can support the many babies she can carry.

I am grateful that life is far more than an evolutionary checkbox though.

[Anonymous]

In all of the same aged couples I know (within 1-2 years of each other either way), 99% of the women look a million times better than their husbands. We are late 40s/early 50s age group. And, this is a UMC group without a single divorce in the group of about 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many elements to an age gap in a marriage. Firstly the biological factors. We know women mature faster than men and have a shorter fertility window. Marrying a man your age or younger create many more opportunities for a lack of synchrony regarding life logistics. The younger man may want to wait longer to have children, he may not make enough money to support a family yet, etc. Then, there is the fact that he may be much more emotionally immature to be a proper confidant and partner to his wife.

Finally, women generally age faster so if you are the same age or older than your husband, you are on an accelerated aging timeline. He may be more likely to have a wandering eye as your looks fade.

I am surprised we do not consider age differences more carefully when dating. It seems preferable to have the woman be at least a few years younger than her husband.

You sound pretty young and/or dumb. "Women mature faster than men" is not a thing that comes into play for marriage, unless you're getting married in middle school. And women don't age faster - that doesn't even make sense. Women live longer and are generally healthier than men. There's no such thing as an "accelerated aging timeline." If you're concerned that your spouse will have a wandering eye if your looks fade (spoiler alert: everyone's looks fade), then you should not marry that person.

DP.. how old are you?

My DH and I are in our 50s. We got married in our 30s. IMO, most men aren't really mature until they are in their early 30s. DH agrees.

Now, if you are both in your 40s, then yea, age gap doesn't matter. But, if you are looking to get married in your 20s, it matters. A lot of men in their 20s are still fairly immature and definitely not ready for family responsibilties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all of the same aged couples I know (within 1-2 years of each other either way), 99% of the women look a million times better than their husbands. We are late 40s/early 50s age group. And, this is a UMC group without a single divorce in the group of about 20.

well yeah, they're putting a lot of work and money into not looking their age.

[Anonymous]

I recommend having both a 10 years older husband and a 10 years younger boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a purely evolutionary standpoint, sure--it makes sense for a wealthy established man to procreate with a young, fertile woman because he can support the many babies she can carry.

I am grateful that life is far more than an evolutionary checkbox though.

And once the young, fertile females ages, the male moves on to another one. Which one would you be, OP? The original young, fertile female or the replacement?

Thank goodness we have evolved.

I come from a long line of women who married younger men. Not a divorce among them. Guess we choose well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a purely evolutionary standpoint, sure--it makes sense for a wealthy established man to procreate with a young, fertile woman because he can support the many babies she can carry.

I am grateful that life is far more than an evolutionary checkbox though.

And once the young, fertile females ages, the male moves on to another one. Which one would you be, OP? The original young, fertile female or the replacement?

Thank goodness we have evolved.

I come from a long line of women who married younger men. Not a divorce among them. Guess we choose well.

It's definitely not the age, it's the person.

I know some incredibly stunted and emotionally immature 'older' people and some very mature and emotionally stable young people.

You should see some of the married men I know with the trophy wives. Their behavior is like a 20-something Frat boy. They marry much younger because they are frozen in time and they don't want to admit they are aging. And, many of these men have serious baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all of the same aged couples I know (within 1-2 years of each other either way), 99% of the women look a million times better than their husbands. We are late 40s/early 50s age group. And, this is a UMC group without a single divorce in the group of about 20.

The couples I know with the most pronounced differences usually have a husband working absurd hours and a wife spending half their time working out and the other half planing their diet.

[Anonymous]

No. It comes down to the individuals involved. I don't think people who marry someone within 1-2 years of their age are more likely to have problems than people with a large age gap.

[Anonymous]

1) Men age faster and worse than men. Heart attacks, earlier death, etc.

2) Men are perfectly capable of maturing as fast as women if they are not babied and infantilized by their family and society.

DH and I were both 27 when we got married. We immediately started having kids. We already had professional jobs. It's wonderful to be married to someone the same age. We share cultural touchpoints and are in the same places professionally, so we can relate very well. Of course his hairline is receding and he has dadbod but my eye isn't wandering so all is well.

[Anonymous]

People are not averages. They are individuals. For some people an age gap will make a lot of sense and better ensure both partners can accomplish what they want in life. Great. For others, an age gap could cause problems, create goal mismatch, and disrupt intimacy. Depends on the people.

I think instead of focusing on ages, people should focus on maturity level and similar goals. Marry someone who is at the same maturity level and shares your goals for both short and longer term plans. You might find that in someone your age, younger, or older. I know happy marriages in all three categories (same age, older guy/younger woman, older woman/younger guy). I don't think you can make a prescription that will apply to all people.

I do think it's gross when older men exclusively seek out women who are much younger than they are, especially if it's based mostly on looks. That's fine for dating but is short sighted and incredibly shallow when looking for a marital partner. I also find it gross when women seek out older men primarily for financial reasons while setting aside things like attraction and shared goals. Again, it's shortsighted -- it might solve your short-term financial issues but if you don't have other reasons to be with this person, you are going to run into some real issues when you are in your 40s and your "partner" is retirement age and you have nothing in common and aren't even that attracted to him to begin with. And I think that's where the stigma about the older guy/younger woman comes from -- people who are playing into this stereotype and ignoring the fact that looks and money are GREAT but you cannot base an entire relationship on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Men age faster and worse than men. Heart attacks, earlier death, etc.

2) Men are perfectly capable of maturing as fast as women if they are not babied and infantilized by their family and society.

DH and I were both 27 when we got married. We immediately started having kids. We already had professional jobs. It's wonderful to be married to someone the same age. We share cultural touchpoints and are in the same places professionally, so we can relate very well. Of course his hairline is receding and he has dadbod but my eye isn't wandering so all is well.

Such a good point. People mature as they have to and are expected to, and so many families do a disservice to their sons by coddling them and excusing them well into adulthood. I know people who do this with their daughters too, with equally bad results. But I think one of the saves women from remaining immature longer is that motherhood foists responsibility on you whether you are ready or not, and even very coddled women quickly realize they better at least rise to a basic societal standard for motherhood or they will basically be outcasts. Society is crazy hard on moms and even as you can see it's a double standard, you pretty much have no choice but to figure it out. Otherwise your kid gets punished.

Men don't have this backstop. So if they've been coddled by family, fatherhood won't change anything -- men are congratulated for the bare basics of parenting and forgiven for all kinds of screw ups that women would be shunned for. So they don't get the same imperative and an immature father just becomes another person his wife/partner is expected (by his family and society at large) to account for.