How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest that you get as much information as you can from your tour group participants (lucky you--you have a gold mine right there!).
And I second the suggestions about a continuing care community--they are really great options in many cases. And better too soon than too late!

This is OP again.
Yes, you're right. My tour group participants could give a lot of useful information.
Another idea. My husband and I could move to a 55+ community and I could organize tours for our fellow residents and be the tour guide, haha.

I want to make another point: You seem to be moved by the lonliness of your 93 year old relative and fear being in that position yourself because you have no close family.

I have news for you - the MAJORITY of people in Assisted Living, Nursing Home, Care Homes HAVE family. They have kids. Grandkids, Nieces and Nephews. But guess what? They are still in the same boat with the others in the facility who may have no family. I've known people whose kids/grandkids/relatives have never visited them despite being within an hour's driving distance. A whole year went by and they didn't even come in once to check on them. Others have kids who live long distances away and visit a couple of times per year.

But what these older people have is each other. They make friends with each other and do things together even if it is just wheeling their wheelchairs into the dining room to have lunch once a day, or play bingo. They often develop friendly relationships with care givers. Those who have dementia like to sit in a recreation room and watch TV together, even if they don't speak. They just like being in company.

So don't go chasing after the idea that having family will prevent lonliness as you age. It won't. The antidote for it is to be as active and involved as you can, adjust your attitude to your circumstances, and manifest thankfulness for all you HAVE had, at the top.

This, all of this. I have noticed in my family, the people who did the hard labor of being there for aging parents are all planning well. They are finding continued care communities. They are staying social and active. They understand how cruel and entitled it is to expect people with spouses, kids, jobs, their own health issues and stressors, to drop everything for their emergencies and cater to them. Because they actually have empathy and understanding, in turn, the people in their lives are willing to visit because it's enjoyable. It's not filled with guilt and obligation and neediness.

We all have to plan for ourselves and save and be responsible. Hire your help. Find your residential place. Keep your brain exercised with learning and social interaction and new experiences and don't waste it obsessing over things like how to force family to have a relationship and how to build the right free support system. You can build an excellent support system you PAY for. We are drawn to people who are fun, happy and have a zest for life, not people who feel sorry for themselves and are needy. Build your life. plant your garden. Plan your aging situation carefully.

[Anonymous]

My MIL sold her house and moved to a 55+ plus community in Florida before DH and I were married - she was widowed, her only living child (DH) had a very demanding career, and she wanted to build a community and stay busy. She volunteered, went to temple, played tennis and cards, did aquafit and walking groups - she really built a community. She also had the support she needed to be able to continue living there as she aged - drives to appointments, a housekeeper etc, no need to worry about outdoor maintenance or snow removal.

We are so grateful she did this - she is very elderly now and lives in a nursing home, and she still has friends and a community, as well as of course frequent visits from us. I think if she would have stayed alone in her big old house in Connecticut things would have been much harder on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL sold her house and moved to a 55+ plus community in Florida before DH and I were married - she was widowed, her only living child (DH) had a very demanding career, and she wanted to build a community and stay busy. She volunteered, went to temple, played tennis and cards, did aquafit and walking groups - she really built a community. She also had the support she needed to be able to continue living there as she aged - drives to appointments, a housekeeper etc, no need to worry about outdoor maintenance or snow removal.

We are so grateful she did this - she is very elderly now and lives in a nursing home, and she still has friends and a community, as well as of course frequent visits from us. I think if she would have stayed alone in her big old house in Connecticut things would have been much harder on everyone.

Not OP, but wanted to say your MIL is awesome. I want to be like her and plan to do the same.

[Anonymous]

This is OP here.

Perhaps to some readers my post came across in a way I didn't want it to. I do not expect my extended family to take care of me and/or my husband when we're old. They wouldn't be able to anyway because of distance - they live a 6-7 hours drive away.

My husband and I are financially secure enough to pay for aides, cleaners and other helpers if/when we need them. We already hire a cleaner who comes in twice a week.

I agree with those of you who suggest I join activities, be a volunteer, etc. These are all excellent suggestions.
The reason I would like to form a closer bond with my extended family is because life can sometimes feel lonely without, even if I had a lot of friends.
I struggled when my parents died at a young age. I am an only and their deaths hit me hard. My aunts and uncles are still alive and I have cousins who remember my parents. I can reminisce with them but not with non family members.
It's a feeling of belonging that I miss.
Other than that, your suggestions are all helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

Had the same situation here but we chose differently.

We spent so much vacation time, money, planning to go visit others and they never reciprocated despite having similar financial, work and family obligations. It was always one sided with us making the effort.

Planes, trains and automobiles go two ways.

While I can't say I was happy to learn people we thought wanted to see us really didn't (or they'd make an effort after years of our visits) I can say that it helped us whittle down to those who TRULY cared about having a fair and reciprocal relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

OP again.

You are absolutely right. A lot of people do not think outside their world or comfort zone.

I would like to have a a closer bond with my extended family but it will be on their terms, as you pointed out.

In hindsight I think it already started when I left my small hometown and moved to a big city to pursue a career and a new life. It is where I met my husband. My husband was born and brought up in this city, we lived there and we decided to get married there.
While my relatives all liked my future husband, no one - except my parents - came to our wedding. My old friends came, but not my relatives, for a variety of reasons. At the time my parents had a feeling that it was because the wedding was held where we lived, not in my hometown where all my family lived, although nothing was ever said about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this with kindness. You sound stuck. You are perseverating on having a relationship with family because they knew your parents and family means so much to you, but all signs point to the fact they just want a distant and cordial relationship with you. You cannot control them and make them change. You have to let this obsession with family go or you won't be happy.

[Anonymous]

I read an article about a group elder care setting. It was lovely. Dogs lived there. There was a focus on intergenerational interaction. Google and see if you can find it. I can’t remember the name as I read the article a few years ago in The Atlantic or WaPo or somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

I was just thinking that if she wants to build a relationship she needs to be around them enough to do so. The 2 nd home would be more like “ we are in town this weekend would love for y’all to stop by for lemonade/glass of wine, or we will be in town for the 4 th of July parade and will look for you.” Hopefully over time a relationship develops. Yes, it is a risk to buy a place and then find out they truly want nothing to do with you but it sounds as if they just don’t know her and her husband. I see below the OP says she left and never really went back so again they simply don’t know her enough to have her come up on their radar. If they seem to be genuinely nice people who she would enjoy then trying to establish a connection by being more readily available may be a good idea.

We can make new friends later in life so why can’t they be cousins. Wishing you well, OP.

My hometown is a beach town so buying a 2nd place would not be odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No guarantees




This is something my elderly mother cannot fathom. I stay connected, but have stopped doing so much for because all she is a drain on an incredibly stressful life. She has buckets of money and hasn't worked in decades and everything is "me, me,me", guilt trips, pity parties for herself, etc. She tries to make me feel guilty talking about her neighbors and acquaintances who see their adult children and grandchildren all time and it's downright comical. Every person she mentions is the giving tree type. They are the type who take the grandchildren for a week or even a month. They prepare meals for the family when there is a new baby, work stress, someone ill. They are always contributing to the family system and building their daughters and sons up not stomping on them, manipulating them and guilt tripping them.

My MIL actually would rant about how much more gracious Asian adult children are and all of them (because all Asians are alike) do it right. My husband and I have plenty of 1st generation friends. Their parents who live with them clean, cook and provide childcare. My MIL would have been shamed for being a lazy alcoholic.

If you want support you have to be a support, but here's the kicker. You have to create friendships and give out of love in your heart, not with all sorts of expectations and just be grateful if it is reciprocated. My great-grandma was very giving. Some of her kids appreciated it and helped her in old age and others didn't.

Also, as someone said, you cannot sit at home feeling sorry for yourself watching netflix and expect community to appear. You also can't make new friends and join more things and expect those people to be there to wait on you. Over the years I have become friends with 2 ladies who didn't have many friends and over time it became clear their motivation was to have a community to be at their beckon call if they became ill or needed someone. One had a minor surgery and I helped her some. She complained endlessly about those who didn't help and also made it clear she expected more from me. I drifted. I already have an entitled mother. My husband and kids come first and I don't need lack of appreciation.

This is something that really resonates with me deeply. As a similar age to you, with a sour cranky narcissist mother who always laments how much more other daughters do. My sil is Chinese and I see how much she does for her elderly Chinese mum but it's a two way street and her elderly mum has been very supportive in practical helpful ways to adult daughter and grandkids etc.

[Anonymous]

Hi, this is OP again.

One PP made a very good point. PP suggested that my extended family - meaning my aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins' kids - don't know me well enough for me to appear on their radar because I left my hometown a long time ago.

I left my hometown in 1995 when I was 27 years old. Most of my relatives still live there, apart from some cousins who now live overseas.

When I left, in 1995, my cousins ages were (if I remember correctly) 5, 12, 17, 21, 22, 23 and 24. Some were still kids, others were at college, and others had started their first job after getting their degree.
There is one other cousin who is a lot older than me. She was 45 when I left my hometown.

My aunts and uncles know me better than my cousins do.

I go back and visit my hometown every 3-4 months (less frequently during the pandemic). I try and see my aunts and uncles when I visit. I hardly see my cousins and their kids because they have busy jobs, hobbies that take up time, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

I was just thinking that if she wants to build a relationship she needs to be around them enough to do so. The 2 nd home would be more like “ we are in town this weekend would love for y’all to stop by for lemonade/glass of wine, or we will be in town for the 4 th of July parade and will look for you.” Hopefully over time a relationship develops. Yes, it is a risk to buy a place and then find out they truly want nothing to do with you but it sounds as if they just don’t know her and her husband. I see below the OP says she left and never really went back so again they simply don’t know her enough to have her come up on their radar. If they seem to be genuinely nice people who she would enjoy then trying to establish a connection by being more readily available may be a good idea.

We can make new friends later in life so why can’t they be cousins. Wishing you well, OP.

My hometown is a beach town so buying a 2nd place would not be odd

You have a generation gap in your thinking. Perhaps a bunch of retired people would be into the "would love for y'all to stop by," but it's the rare sandwich generation or parents with kids and work and life who would jump at the idea to hang out with random family member who is at a different stage in life. If OP already goes back and they don't join, what makes you think they will if she buys a property there. You have to find those in the club that will welcome you and not trying to be in the club that is too overwhelmed and stressed out to go hang with y'all and sip lemon aide or wine on the porch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

I was just thinking that if she wants to build a relationship she needs to be around them enough to do so. The 2 nd home would be more like “ we are in town this weekend would love for y’all to stop by for lemonade/glass of wine, or we will be in town for the 4 th of July parade and will look for you.” Hopefully over time a relationship develops. Yes, it is a risk to buy a place and then find out they truly want nothing to do with you but it sounds as if they just don’t know her and her husband. I see below the OP says she left and never really went back so again they simply don’t know her enough to have her come up on their radar. If they seem to be genuinely nice people who she would enjoy then trying to establish a connection by being more readily available may be a good idea.

We can make new friends later in life so why can’t they be cousins. Wishing you well, OP.

My hometown is a beach town so buying a 2nd place would not be odd

You have a generation gap in your thinking. Perhaps a bunch of retired people would be into the "would love for y'all to stop by," but it's the rare sandwich generation or parents with kids and work and life who would jump at the idea to hang out with random family member who is at a different stage in life. If OP already goes back and they don't join, what makes you think they will if she buys a property there. You have to find those in the club that will welcome you and not trying to be in the club that is too overwhelmed and stressed out to go hang with y'all and sip lemon aide or wine on the porch.

OP here. Errm... I am not a 'random' family member. To my cousins I am their cousin. To my aunts and uncles I am their niece, the only daughter of their brother (my dad) and sister (my mom) who, sadly, both died far too young of illness.