How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have said many times you want to build a relationship with your extended family so I would say do it! But the only way I see you make this happen is to move closer. Since it sounds like you have the financial means, I would buy a 2 nd home and visit as much as you can.

I am not childless so not connecting in that way but I am the only sibling, relative who left my small town. My dh a bit of the same but a city. Any relationship we have with family and childhood friends almost all revolve around us going to them. They love us, call us, send gifts, etc. but except for my parents ( who love mine and their other grandchildren), I can count maybe 8-10 visits from either side in 20 yrs.

If we wanted a relationship, we had to go to them. I’ve discussed this with other dc area friends who say the same. A lot of people just do not think outside their world or comfort zone. It is just the way it is. You can have a relationship but it will be on their terms. Once I accepted that I was so much happier as I could choose it or not. I chose it!

This could so easily backfire. If you are close with family members, distance doesn't matter. You WANT to visit, text, etc. If you are not close and they just aren't feeling it, then moving closer won't make that happen. It could also feel really uncomfortable for them to suddenly be getting more calls and more expectations of getting together. If they keep saying "we wish you lived closer" then that's on them, but otherwise, you don't move to be near people who don't have much of a relationship with already.

I was just thinking that if she wants to build a relationship she needs to be around them enough to do so. The 2 nd home would be more like “ we are in town this weekend would love for y’all to stop by for lemonade/glass of wine, or we will be in town for the 4 th of July parade and will look for you.” Hopefully over time a relationship develops. Yes, it is a risk to buy a place and then find out they truly want nothing to do with you but it sounds as if they just don’t know her and her husband. I see below the OP says she left and never really went back so again they simply don’t know her enough to have her come up on their radar. If they seem to be genuinely nice people who she would enjoy then trying to establish a connection by being more readily available may be a good idea.

We can make new friends later in life so why can’t they be cousins. Wishing you well, OP.

My hometown is a beach town so buying a 2nd place would not be odd

You have a generation gap in your thinking. Perhaps a bunch of retired people would be into the "would love for y'all to stop by," but it's the rare sandwich generation or parents with kids and work and life who would jump at the idea to hang out with random family member who is at a different stage in life. If OP already goes back and they don't join, what makes you think they will if she buys a property there. You have to find those in the club that will welcome you and not trying to be in the club that is too overwhelmed and stressed out to go hang with y'all and sip lemon aide or wine on the porch.

OP here. Errm... I am not a 'random' family member. To my cousins I am their cousin. To my aunts and uncles I am their niece, the only daughter of their brother (my dad) and sister (my mom) who, sadly, both died far too young of illness.

OP, sorry, but that makes you a random family member (coupled with the extensive posts you've made about how they don't initiate). A cousin is a random family member, as is a niece or nephew, unless there are decades of closeness there.

[Anonymous]

People are who they are, no matter if they're related to you. You may see them as close family but they clearly don't. There's nothing you can do about it.

Also, pp had some good suggestions about moving to a 55 plus communities and you shot that down.

I echo a pp who said that you seem to be stuck. You have a predetermined idea of what family and old age should look like, and you're very set upon it. PPs are saying, be flexible to open to other forms of connections.

[Anonymous]

I'm feeling salty, but I have a couple of these "I will live only for me and my darling dumpling spouse" in my extended family, and inevitably they end up just like OP, wanting to be johnny come lately for family! and connection! and shared history! when it suits them, but were blissfully cocooning with their spouse for the prior three decades. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling salty, but I have a couple of these "I will live only for me and my darling dumpling spouse" in my extended family, and inevitably they end up just like OP, wanting to be johnny come lately for family! and connection! and shared history! when it suits them, but were blissfully cocooning with their spouse for the prior three decades. No thanks.

This is OP.
You sound angry and bitter towards your extended family members. Please explain.

My husband and I weren't 'blissfully cocooning'. We live 6 to 7 hours away. We had - and still have - busy, demanding jobs.

We go back to my hometown every 3 to 4 months (less frequently during the pandemic) - either me on my own, or DH & me together - and we try and get together with my aunts and uncles.
Sometimes they are available for us, other times they are not.

I just feel the relationship is one-sided, that's all. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, NO ONE in my whole family (on mom's and dad's side) - except my parents - came to our wedding. Yes, it would have meant they had to travel, but for practical reasons we decided to get married in the city where we lived and worked.

[Anonymous]

NP. This has given me food for thought. I definitely cocoon with my spouse. We work long hours, we don't really enjoy too much social stuff, we just want to hang out together, try new restaurants, watch shows, hike etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. This has given me food for thought. I definitely cocoon with my spouse. We work long hours, we don't really enjoy too much social stuff, we just want to hang out together, try new restaurants, watch shows, hike etc.

We do too. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Parents have a friend that is a widow and she then dated a guy for like 10+ years and he died. She moved to a continuing care type facility and she loves it. Lots of activities and people to do things with and she met all of them when she moved in so it's not the end of the world if you don't maintain a network all your life.

[Anonymous]

wanting to be johnny come lately for family! and connection! and shared history! when it suits them, but were blissfully cocooning with their spouse for the prior three decades. No thanks

Do you go visit them? Have you visited them where they live -- ever? A relationship is a two-way street. I'll bet they are making much more of an effort (even if it doesn't meet your standards) they come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about friends? Do you have any close friends? Nourish those connections.

I know several childless people, who're either married or single, leading vibrant social lives in their 60s. They travel widely to see their friends and make the effort to stay connected.

Wasn't the question. The question was about the future.

[Anonymous]

In your 80s look into CCCs like Riderwood. This will provide the social, financial, and medical.

[Anonymous]

No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

It was talked about early on. You can hire people. If you think that is risky I can assure you plenty of adult children do shady things that screw parents and siblings. Also, your family has a right to say "no" especially if they aren't close to you or feel you suddenly got close to them for favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

It was talked about early on. You can hire people. If you think that is risky I can assure you plenty of adult children do shady things that screw parents and siblings. Also, your family has a right to say "no" especially if they aren't close to you or feel you suddenly got close to them for favors.

Be real. You can't really hire people who are going to show up at the ER to pick you up at 1am when you have been released from being fixed up from a breaking an arm and you are gaga on painkillers. And no, you will not be taking an Uber as a frail, semi out of it, elderly person.

Hiring someone to truly be your advocate when you are sick is very challenging.

Hiring someone to manage your finances and not screw it up or steal from you is also challenging. Sure, family members could steal from you, but it is less likely they are going to steal from you. Or leave you stranded at the ER.

[Anonymous]

^This. Especially if you want to age in your home and don't want to be in a "facility".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. This has given me food for thought. I definitely cocoon with my spouse. We work long hours, we don't really enjoy too much social stuff, we just want to hang out together, try new restaurants, watch shows, hike etc.

NP... us, too. It does worry me a bit when our kids are long gone out of the house. It especially gives me pause if DH were to die before me. He's actually more social and better at reaching out to friends than I am. Sad, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is actually talking about the hardest questions here.

Potential social isolation can be solved.

But if you are alone and become cognitively impaired, who will administer your finances? If you get physically sick, who will be your advocate in the medical system and potentially make decisions for you?

Finding someone who will do these things and act in what is truly your best interest, with thought and care and competence, is the hard part, imo.

Why is no one talking about this?

It was talked about early on. You can hire people. If you think that is risky I can assure you plenty of adult children do shady things that screw parents and siblings. Also, your family has a right to say "no" especially if they aren't close to you or feel you suddenly got close to them for favors.

Be real. You can't really hire people who are going to show up at the ER to pick you up at 1am when you have been released from being fixed up from a breaking an arm and you are gaga on painkillers. And no, you will not be taking an Uber as a frail, semi out of it, elderly person.

Hiring someone to truly be your advocate when you are sick is very challenging.

Hiring someone to manage your finances and not screw it up or steal from you is also challenging. Sure, family members could steal from you, but it is less likely they are going to steal from you. Or leave you stranded at the ER.

Yes, you can. I know several relatives who did this, 2 of whom had kids who didn't help. Also, if you don't have adult children it is not your place to expect overwhelmed adults with their own parents to do this for you.