How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?

[Anonymous]

When there is no close family left and you are on your own?

Take our own situation as an example.
I'm 54, my husband is 63.

We don't have kids, which means we will never have grandkids.
I don't have siblings, so no nieces and nephews either.
My parents are dead and so are my grandparents.

My remaining relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins' children) live a 6 to 7 hours drive away.
A couple of my cousins and their families live overseas permanently.
Two elderly relatives are 90+ years and live in a care home.
I am pretty close to the 2 elderly relatives in the care home, and less close to the others.
I am friendly with my cousins but we're not close and we never have been. I don't even know my cousins' kids, apart from their names. Typically I see my cousins at weddings and funerals but we don't keep in touch otherwise.

My husband's family is small. MIL (widowed) and SILs & their families live 1.5 hours away. They all live in the same city. My husband and I moved away from the area 15 years ago.
Both my inlaws are only children so my husband doesn't have aunts, uncles or cousins.

We are still relatively young and in good health but what happens 20 or 25 years from now? It's pretty grim to think about it, but given our 9-year age difference, it is likely that my husband will pass before me.
Then what...?
My aunts & uncles will be in their 80s and 90s. My cousins will be looking after them. They have their own lives.
Same with SILs and their families.

I will have no one.

If I should pass before my husband then SILs may come visit from time to time and offer some support. Maybe.

Do you have any suggestions about what steps we can take NOW so that we don't end up lonely and struggling on our own later in life? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

What about friends? Do you have any close friends? Nourish those connections.

I know several childless people, who're either married or single, leading vibrant social lives in their 60s. They travel widely to see their friends and make the effort to stay connected.

[Anonymous]

Invest time and energy in existing friendships. Make new friends, with a wide range of ages. Get involved in a community, such as a faith community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about friends? Do you have any close friends? Nourish those connections.

I know several childless people, who're either married or single, leading vibrant social lives in their 60s. They travel widely to see their friends and make the effort to stay connected.

OP here. I have some good friends in the small town where I grew up (= same town where my relatives live), 6 to 7 hours away.
I have known these friends since kindergarten, school and our teenage years. We keep in touch regularly and I meet up with some of them when I go back to my hometown to visit.

My husband and I don't really have close friends where we live now, we have friendly acquaintances. But close friends as in best friends, no.
I am more sociable than my husband. He likes the people we know and he doesn't go out of his way to make new friends.

I guess I am more worried about being alone and lonely in our old age when our health starts to decline and when we become less mobile.
I'm afraid of getting stuck at home without a wide network of family and friends who live within a reasonable distance from us.

[Anonymous]

I’d save for a nice over 55 community with various levels of care. I had relatives in a nice one and it was so great—library, shuttle to doctors/mall, movie theater on premises, game room, dining room, activities, staff to help you change lightbulbs.
Short of that, a faith community, or sometimes chosen family. Like if you had a younger neighbor or colleague that yiu help when they are in the sandwich crush, they may be grateful and help you when you are old. There are people like that but you can’t really count on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d save for a nice over 55 community with various levels of care. I had relatives in a nice one and it was so great—library, shuttle to doctors/mall, movie theater on premises, game room, dining room, activities, staff to help you change lightbulbs.
Short of that, a faith community, or sometimes chosen family. Like if you had a younger neighbor or colleague that yiu help when they are in the sandwich crush, they may be grateful and help you when you are old. There are people like that but you can’t really count on it.

This is OP. An over 55 community may be the right place for some people but I think the downside is that residents end up socialising with people their age group only.

My ideal situation is to have a wide network of friends and acquaintances of all ages. I would also like to form a closer bond with my remaining relatives, especially my cousins and their kids, but the relationship is kind of one-sided at the moment. I am always the initiator. I never hear from them if I don't make contact first.
It's sad. I wish my cousins and I had been closer from childhood but sadly that never happened. I don't know why. Family dynamics I guess.

[Anonymous]

You find a nice continued care community. You are stuck in grass is greener. I live close to my mother. After over 10 years supporting her as dad declined and dealing with her increased temper, rage fits and nastiness we are starting to figure out what our future will look like and where we might move to away from her if she continues to be better health than my husband and I are. I cannot take another 10-15 years of this and I honestly think we will die before her if we stay. She has alienated many family members and my siblings. If she lived in a residential setting at least she would have forced to keep up social skills and she would have more outlets for a social life. So, having kids, family nearby etc is no guarantee. EVERYONE should make plans for themselves and be grateful for those who step in. You can't just assume family should drop everything for emergency after emergency and I would make friends to enrich your life not so they will take care of you. There are no guarantees. I would focus on having a high quality life so when your time comes you know you lived life to the fullest. I would not sit and worry about who will do for you when needed. Save so you can hire people and be in an appropriate setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You find a nice continued care community. You are stuck in grass is greener. I live close to my mother. After over 10 years supporting her as dad declined and dealing with her increased temper, rage fits and nastiness we are starting to figure out what our future will look like and where we might move to away from her if she continues to be better health than my husband and I are. I cannot take another 10-15 years of this and I honestly think we will die before her if we stay. She has alienated many family members and my siblings. If she lived in a residential setting at least she would have forced to keep up social skills and she would have more outlets for a social life. So, having kids, family nearby etc is no guarantee. EVERYONE should make plans for themselves and be grateful for those who step in. You can't just assume family should drop everything for emergency after emergency and I would make friends to enrich your life not so they will take care of you. There are no guarantees. I would focus on having a high quality life so when your time comes you know you lived life to the fullest. I would not sit and worry about who will do for you when needed. Save so you can hire people and be in an appropriate setting.

This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Move to The Villages.

[Anonymous]

We got our DNA done through Ancestry and met a lot of our distant relatives this way. Some reached out to us and we reached out to some. Made our lives more interesting and we still communicate with some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d save for a nice over 55 community with various levels of care. I had relatives in a nice one and it was so great—library, shuttle to doctors/mall, movie theater on premises, game room, dining room, activities, staff to help you change lightbulbs.
Short of that, a faith community, or sometimes chosen family. Like if you had a younger neighbor or colleague that yiu help when they are in the sandwich crush, they may be grateful and help you when you are old. There are people like that but you can’t really count on it.

This is OP. An over 55 community may be the right place for some people but I think the downside is that residents end up socialising with people their age group only.

My ideal situation is to have a wide network of friends and acquaintances of all ages. I would also like to form a closer bond with my remaining relatives, especially my cousins and their kids, but the relationship is kind of one-sided at the moment. I am always the initiator. I never hear from them if I don't make contact first.
It's sad. I wish my cousins and I had been closer from childhood but sadly that never happened. I don't know why. Family dynamics I guess.

This isn't necessarily true. 55+ communities are vastly different now than they were 10-20 years ago, primarily because people are much more vital and active. One of the positives is that you are with a peer group many of whom may be in a similar situation to you. They turn to each other for support and they can count on each other.

FWIW I know quite a few people who have children who are estranged from them and have no contact, including with grandchildren. This is happening more often as extended family does not seem to have as much importance as it once did. (Look at the DCUM forums for how hated many parents and ILs are and how quickly they are cut off.) Today, many parents are deemed toxic for having human faults. Oftentimes the theraputic community is fully behind estrangement from family of origin. That's just how it is now. I've seen the hearbreak it's caused my friends who are parents and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I see their pain and I have no regrets for being childless.

Retirement communities have a lot of activities and clubs, are also big on volunteer work in the community so you will have options to get involved with organizations that focus on kids in need, environmental, animal shelters, veterans issues, you name it. There are nice communities all over the country, some large some small, so you could find one that fits what you are looking for.

Do you plan to retire in place? If so, now is the time for you and DH to start getting involved in community. Reach out and get involved in volunteering and you will begin to meet like-minded people. Generally speaking, people who volunteer usually are friendly and like to help others so it's never a mistake to look at that demographic.

[Anonymous]

You're lucky to have each other at least--
Being divorced, I faced this question while isolated during the pandemic. I'm 65 but very active, and I'm not keen on the elderly community idea anyway. My solution was to move into a Co-housing community. It's just like a condo building, everybody has their own apartment, plenty and all kinds of families, but there is more of a sense of community and pitching in. There are a few in the DMV and I was lucky to find an available unit.

[Anonymous]

^ I wanted to add that NOW is the time to make sure your wills, POA, medical power of attorney, long-term care, burial plans, etc. are all in order and up to date. Consider setting up a trust to take care of significant assets and consider leaving assets to charities you are passionate about. This will give you peace of mind and a sense of legacy.

One thing you are wrong about: "I will have no one."

You have you.

[Anonymous]

What about volunteer work? I am much younger than you but have become friends with a group of people who are in their 60s-70s through volunteering with a community organization.

Places to volunteer that have a range of people to meet: libraries, schools, Girl or Boy Scouts, neighborhood watch or improvement groups, Meals on Wheels, gardening clubs, environmental cleanup groups, hospitals, shelters for people or animals.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is chose the service you will hire to help with aging or meet with an expert on residential places in the area. You should not go into making friends thirsty for someone to be there for you as you age. Nobody wants to feel like they are being used. Many of us burn out from care-giving and are simply look for friends to enjoy life with and relax. So many people with "family" take terrible advantage of family and eat their young for their own aging needs. If you cultivate nice friendships, then hopefully those people will want to visit you in the hospital and drop by, but your goal should not be finding people to meet your needs should you become ill. Pay people to be your caregivers and just enjoy your friends.

There are no guarantees in life for any of us. What if you had a family determined to keep you alive at all cost. Happened in my family-ignoring hospice and leaving a family member a vegetable because they assumed it was the right thing to do. The death was awful and if this person didn't have "family" he could have died peacefully.