How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?
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Anonymous
Wow my experience with elderly parents and church was the opposite. Neither one had any church members involved in any shape or form. Didn't even notice they no longer attended church (because they were going downhill). |
Anonymous
Yes this is the KEY right here. Absolutely. My eldely mother has me to oversee and organize food/assistance/finances. I have NO idea what state she would be in if she didn't have me around (only child). It's quite alarming! |
Anonymous
My elderly mother has no notion of how to hire a case manager or what one even is. Her saving grace is that I help and will oversee and hire help later as needed. |
Anonymous
Hi, OP here. I'm pleased your mother has you, and you are helping her. We are childless so we will be left to our own devices. Forward planning is key, but it's hard to make drastic decisions about our future right now. I'm only 54, DH 63. DH is taking retirement this year whereas I'm still working, and I'd like to keep working for AT LEAST another 8 to 10 years. At the same time we don't want to wait and leave things until we are too old, tired, frail and/or ill with potential physical & mental issues. A lot of people have suggested over 55s communities. We consider ourselves far too young for those at the moment, but we may change our minds in the future, who knows ... |
Anonymous
One of the worst things you do for your brain is rot at home and only interact with people who feel obligated to visit. The neurologist told is the brain activity that goes with making new friends, keeping social skills fresh, remembering names, etc is absolutely PRICELESS. The difference I saw in my own family between them rotting on the couch while guilt tripping family into taking them places and not having to behave or do anything novel vs. in a residential setting was massive. There is joy in connecting with peers and getting that social reinforcement from new people. We are social beings. Sure it's good to see family, but it is not good to get so comfortable that your social skills erode. That just speeds up the deterioration. |
Anonymous
+1 you can also find one in an area that has a lot of diversity - it's not like you're held captive in the 55+ community and can't leave. you can work, volunteer, go to events, etc. my husband's parents moved to a 55+ when they relocated to be closer to his brother and their kids, and they quickly formed a tight community. i think it is a great way to find community. |
Anonymous
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Over 55 communities are NOT the same as "independent living" or CCCs. Please don't confuse
An over 55 is just age restricted living. There are amenties, maybe, but no services, no health services. They are like little or big resorts. Independent livings and CCCs have for older people who want to have the security of services, meals, health options, and there are a variety of amenities, too. People generally access these places at around 75+. |
Anonymous
Does your mother live on her own, is she aging in place. This is why people are suggesting over 55's and then independent living. They manage food and medical assistance. They take care of all maintenance issues and offer numerous social activities and outings. They organise transportation to local shops and doctors. The only thing is finances however I am sure OP could organise that and plan for finances to be organised into something that is easy to manage in older age. My grandfather who was in independent living was still managing his finances up till 90 when he died and so was my grandmother until her early 90's. With planning beforehand to make it workable, it can be done. Just keep it simple. It's great that you posted how you have NO idea and how it's quite alarming. You offer nothing except to stress OP into more anxiety. It's great that you do so much. My in-laws demand people around them to do so much that they could do themselves and they have aged twice as fast as a result. Their brains have turned into sloppy messes. Other family members have been quite independent and they seemed to retain their vitality much longer. They are not silly and don't act like children. So OP continue to use your brain, continue to push yourself to socialise and it will certainly help you. You can plan early, perhaps you don't need to make changes now but you can plan. |
Anonymous
| My father in law, an old school family lawyer, was the designated organizer of these things for several elderly clients with no close family. Obviously, you must, must, must select carefully to develop this kind of relationship and trustworthiness, but it's a fairly common solution--family attorney that you pay to handle your affairs in a very broad sense. |
Anonymous
I agree that this is the only solution to building a support network (no guarantee) other than joining a church (no guarantee). This is the problem that millions of childless people are facing in old age, so you are not alone. I know many people who are left standing alone, when spouse and parents die off. Build a support network while you are healthy. There are others like you - find them. |
Anonymous
| I have known people who were in this situation (no family) who seemed to be trying to end their lives early by smoking, heavy drinking, risk taking and they died in their 60's. It was horrible to watch them when I was much younger, but now I understand that they probably feared a drawn out illness in old age and tortured existence without any family to support them. I wish the government supported elderly better. |
Anonymous
What part do you not "get"? All over Europe, there are multiple generations under the same roof. My family is Spain is the same way. Both parents work, kids go to school and the grandparents help around the house until they themselves need the help. They all figure out how to make it work. No one gets "taken care of properly" by nursing homes and the like. They simply don't pay people enough to provide adequate supervision and/or care of elderly folks who cannot care for themselves. The consequences include bed sores, missing or mixed-up medications, untreated illnesses. People who are paid, especially those paid low wages, will never, ever, EVER care for you as well as your family can. |
Anonymous
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I'm the OP.
To the PP who claims that all over Europe multiple generations live under one roof, this is not quite accurate. I have relatives and friends in Europe and it is definitely not the norm where they live. It may be more common in southern European countries (e.g. in Spain, Italy, Greece etc.) but it is not as common in northern Europe where people move into nursing homes, Assisted Living and other facilities. The downside is that there are often long waiting lists to get into nursing homes and AL. A relative in Europe told me there currently is a waiting list of 1500 people in one of her local nursing homes, and some people put themselves on the waiting list years before they even want to move in there. |
Anonymous
This. We have friends in Italy from when I lived there for a year as a child. Their adult daughter is under their roof because she is financially dependent on them. She is divorced (no children) and lost her job. There are big unemployment issues. I assume if they support her for years she will stay and take care of them, but that certainly isn't the same as expecting your independent working adult children who have their own children to drop everything for your needs. I still keep in touch with the a friend from when I stayed with a family in Spain in high school as an exchange student. Her set up is the parents were nannies for many years to her kids, but live separately in the same building. They also brought over meals frequently and would take the kids for weeks at a time so she could vacation with just her husband. It's a very loving family. There is no stress at the thought of being there for her own parents because they scarified so much, but really it wasn't a sacrifice because they truly adore their grandchildren and adult kids and the spouses. That is so different from when you have parents who didn't help you much during the most stressful parenting issues, weren't very nurturing as parents yet have massive expectations for what you will do as they age. One more scenario to share...our current down the street neighbors are from Italy originally. They are constantly going to their adult daughter's house to help with the grandkids and make life easier for them. She truly loves it and has a warm relationship with all 3 of her daughters and the spouses. Interesting to note, she did not care for her own parents in Italy. I had a heart to heart with her which was so comforting. They were much like my parents-not warm and very into their own lives with lots of pressure to keep up appearances. While I get frequent guilt trips for not doing enough, she told me she admired me for what i do. She stopped for years even going back to Italy because she couldn't take it. She returned to annual visits to see her siblings once her parents passed. So much depends on the personalities of those involved. Back to OP, I have posted before I think to say I have some childless elders who were in continued care before passing. I will say they seemed to age much better than those with adult kids. they built community and didn't waste days obsessing over what everyone should be doing for them. My great aunt had a group of people she paid and checks and balances in place. Her accountant, case manager and lawyer took care of managing things and audited eachother. We visited her, but did not attend to any of that. We could just enjoy seeing her. |
Anonymous
| I plan to spend it sailing the high seas,, drinking cocktails, flirting with hot women, and enjoying myself until I Cross the Bar. I'll send my kids a postcard. Almost 50, female. I've always been a pirate. Raised my kids to mutiny. |