How do you prepare for a lonely old age? And how to avoid being lonely when you're old?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

P.S. I know that my extended family haven't literally forgotten about me. They know where I am. I text my aunts and uncles every so often.

I do feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in.
An example. My husband and I have never been invited to celebrate Christmas with my extended family since my parents died. My remaining parent died in 2008 ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again.

I wish I had a closer bond with my remaining relatives in my hometown. As I mentioned before, they live a 6 to 7 hour drive away, except for some cousins who live overseas.

I visit my hometown about every 3 to 4 months and I always try and meet up with relatives and old friends there.

When I'm there I usually see my aunts and uncles and also an elderly cousin of my late father. She's 90 and she lives in a care home now.
She lost her 93-year old husband to Covid last year and she couldn't live at home on her own anymore because she's frail and not very mobile.
She and her late husband were childless and she's feeling very lonely now. They'd been married for 65 years.

I don't want to end up like her. I wish I had a closer bond with my cousins and their kids. My cousins are all younger than me and they never get in touch with me and my husband. If I don't reach out first I never from them.

It almost feels like my extended family have forgotten about me since my parents died 14 and 23 years ago. I'm always the one to initiate contact. Is this normal?

They probably don't get in touch with you because they are overwhelmed with life, their jobs, their adult kids and their lives. I can pretty much figure out who genuinely wants a friendship without major expectations and who is desperate for me to be one the casserole bringers if they become ill or to do them major favors. My sister was absorbed in her career for decades and rose up. She is divorced and realizes now she needs a support system so she showers people with unwanted gifts and suddenly wants to have warm relationship with family. When my brother and I briefly gave her a chance within a short period of time she has some MAJOR requests that made it clear all those years she was MIA she never made any close friends and now she needed this so why not use family.

Instead of focusing on all the people who don't have time for you, find the ones who do. Don't rule them out just because they are older than you or might move away or whatever. Stop trying as much with people who are not available.

Also, seriously start researching paid help. That way you can make sure you have caregivers and people to run errands and cook should you be ill and you can just enjoy forming friendships without major expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

P.S. I know that my extended family haven't literally forgotten about me. They know where I am. I text my aunts and uncles every so often.

I do feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in.
An example. My husband and I have never been invited to celebrate Christmas with my extended family since my parents died. My remaining parent died in 2008 ...

For whatever reason they just aren't that into you. So move on and find people who are. Invite your new friends to a Christmas party in December. Make it an annual tradition.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and build a life. Stop going back to the people who aren't interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

P.S. I know that my extended family haven't literally forgotten about me. They know where I am. I text my aunts and uncles every so often.

I do feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in.
An example. My husband and I have never been invited to celebrate Christmas with my extended family since my parents died. My remaining parent died in 2008 ...

For whatever reason they just aren't that into you. So move on and find people who are. Invite your new friends to a Christmas party in December. Make it an annual tradition.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and build a life. Stop going back to the people who aren't interested.

OP again.

You are probably right, but they're the only family I have left. I found it hard enough losing my mom when she was only 51 and my dad when he was 64.

I don't know why they're not more interested. My mom's side of the family were never that close. They're friendly towards each other and there were never any disagreements in the family (that I know of), but they just weren't close.
My Dad's side of the family is small and most remaining relatives on that side are very elderly. They like it when I call or visit them.

I agree with making new friends but I personally need that bond with family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

P.S. I know that my extended family haven't literally forgotten about me. They know where I am. I text my aunts and uncles every so often.

I do feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in.
An example. My husband and I have never been invited to celebrate Christmas with my extended family since my parents died. My remaining parent died in 2008 ...

For whatever reason they just aren't that into you. So move on and find people who are. Invite your new friends to a Christmas party in December. Make it an annual tradition.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and build a life. Stop going back to the people who aren't interested.

OP again.

You are probably right, but they're the only family I have left. I found it hard enough losing my mom when she was only 51 and my dad when he was 64.

I don't know why they're not more interested. My mom's side of the family were never that close. They're friendly towards each other and there were never any disagreements in the family (that I know of), but they just weren't close.
My Dad's side of the family is small and most remaining relatives on that side are very elderly. They like it when I call or visit them.

I agree with making new friends but I personally need that bond with family too.

You don't need it, you want it, but you can't have it. Let.it.go. You cannot force people to behave you want them to. You seem to be lost in the shoulds and unable to move forward. You feel family should be close. Family should be there for you. Your thoughts are trapping you into being lonely. Lower your expectations of everyone so you can enjoy life a and people more. Rigid ideas don't serve you and you waste precious years feeling sorry for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d save for a nice over 55 community with various levels of care. I had relatives in a nice one and it was so great—library, shuttle to doctors/mall, movie theater on premises, game room, dining room, activities, staff to help you change lightbulbs.
Short of that, a faith community, or sometimes chosen family. Like if you had a younger neighbor or colleague that yiu help when they are in the sandwich crush, they may be grateful and help you when you are old. There are people like that but you can’t really count on it.

This is OP. An over 55 community may be the right place for some people but I think the downside is that residents end up socialising with people their age group only.

My ideal situation is to have a wide network of friends and acquaintances of all ages. I would also like to form a closer bond with my remaining relatives, especially my cousins and their kids, but the relationship is kind of one-sided at the moment. I am always the initiator. I never hear from them if I don't make contact first.
It's sad. I wish my cousins and I had been closer from childhood but sadly that never happened. I don't know why. Family dynamics I guess.

I'm with you, OP. I'd go in the opposite direction, and move to a big city - a place where I can walk around, with lots of different things to do, and people to meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it is kind of ageist to say that you want friends of all ages and that's why you won't move into a 55+ community.

First of all, there will be a wide range of ages from 55 up to people in their 80s.

And second of all, take a cold hard honest look at yourself. When have you ever had a wide group of friends of people of all different ages? As a teen? A college student? In your thirties? I bet you have always preferred to socialize with people in your age group. I say that b/c know I have and that most people have.

You will be getting old. Older people will be your peers. You need to come too terms with that. That doesn't mean you can't have friends who are different ages, but if you don't now, why do you think you'll be developing that later in life?

Honestly, you sound like a lonely person who has not really developed a community. This is not a criticism, because I think many, many aging Americans find themselves in the same situation. But social skills are like muscles and you need to exercise them and take care of them to have them in the long run.

Honestly a 55+ community is a great choice for you, but if you don't like it here is my big tip: join a faith community.

Temple, church, whatever. If you are not a believer, go to the Unitarians. Start contributing to this faith community through your time, talents and energy and you will find yourself with a caring community within a year. Feed the friendships you make, but don't put pressure on them to fulfill you. As Woody Allen said, showing up is 80 percent of life.

If the idea of joining something, of seeing people on the regular, of being obligated to do good works rankles you and you'd prefer to spend the weekends with your DH watching Netflix then I have news for you, you will have a very lonely old age.

You need to put in the work now to see the benefits later.

There is some good advice here, but the bolded is idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Get a dog. That's a great way to meet like-minded people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it is kind of ageist to say that you want friends of all ages and that's why you won't move into a 55+ community.

First of all, there will be a wide range of ages from 55 up to people in their 80s.

And second of all, take a cold hard honest look at yourself. When have you ever had a wide group of friends of people of all different ages? As a teen? A college student? In your thirties? I bet you have always preferred to socialize with people in your age group. I say that b/c know I have and that most people have.

You will be getting old. Older people will be your peers. You need to come too terms with that. That doesn't mean you can't have friends who are different ages, but if you don't now, why do you think you'll be developing that later in life?

Honestly, you sound like a lonely person who has not really developed a community. This is not a criticism, because I think many, many aging Americans find themselves in the same situation. But social skills are like muscles and you need to exercise them and take care of them to have them in the long run.

Honestly a 55+ community is a great choice for you, but if you don't like it here is my big tip: join a faith community.

Temple, church, whatever. If you are not a believer, go to the Unitarians. Start contributing to this faith community through your time, talents and energy and you will find yourself with a caring community within a year. Feed the friendships you make, but don't put pressure on them to fulfill you. As Woody Allen said, showing up is 80 percent of life.

If the idea of joining something, of seeing people on the regular, of being obligated to do good works rankles you and you'd prefer to spend the weekends with your DH watching Netflix then I have news for you, you will have a very lonely old age.

You need to put in the work now to see the benefits later.

There is some good advice here, but the bolded is idiotic.

It’s not Idiotic. I am was responding to the sense I got that the OP dislikes older people and does not want to be around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again.

I wish I had a closer bond with my remaining relatives in my hometown. As I mentioned before, they live a 6 to 7 hour drive away, except for some cousins who live overseas.

I visit my hometown about every 3 to 4 months and I always try and meet up with relatives and old friends there.

When I'm there I usually see my aunts and uncles and also an elderly cousin of my late father. She's 90 and she lives in a care home now.
She lost her 93-year old husband to Covid last year and she couldn't live at home on her own anymore because she's frail and not very mobile.
She and her late husband were childless and she's feeling very lonely now. They'd been married for 65 years.

I don't want to end up like her. I wish I had a closer bond with my cousins and their kids. My cousins are all younger than me and they never get in touch with me and my husband. If I don't reach out first I never from them.

It almost feels like my extended family have forgotten about me since my parents died 14 and 23 years ago. I'm always the one to initiate contact. Is this normal?

If you were not close before, then yes, it's normal. They don't feel close to you, for one thing, and for another, you are older than they are. They probably don't feel they have much in common with you as "friends".

IMO, you are looking for familial connections as you are an only. You will have to build your own family with friends of your own age who are in the same boat as you are in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest that you get as much information as you can from your tour group participants (lucky you--you have a gold mine right there!).
And I second the suggestions about a continuing care community--they are really great options in many cases. And better too soon than too late!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest that you get as much information as you can from your tour group participants (lucky you--you have a gold mine right there!).
And I second the suggestions about a continuing care community--they are really great options in many cases. And better too soon than too late!

This is OP again.
Yes, you're right. My tour group participants could give a lot of useful information.
Another idea. My husband and I could move to a 55+ community and I could organize tours for our fellow residents and be the tour guide, haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest that you get as much information as you can from your tour group participants (lucky you--you have a gold mine right there!).
And I second the suggestions about a continuing care community--they are really great options in many cases. And better too soon than too late!

This is OP again.
Yes, you're right. My tour group participants could give a lot of useful information.
Another idea. My husband and I could move to a 55+ community and I could organize tours for our fellow residents and be the tour guide, haha.

I want to make another point: You seem to be moved by the lonliness of your 93 year old relative and fear being in that position yourself because you have no close family.

I have news for you - the MAJORITY of people in Assisted Living, Nursing Home, Care Homes HAVE family. They have kids. Grandkids, Nieces and Nephews. But guess what? They are still in the same boat with the others in the facility who may have no family. I've known people whose kids/grandkids/relatives have never visited them despite being within an hour's driving distance. A whole year went by and they didn't even come in once to check on them. Others have kids who live long distances away and visit a couple of times per year.

But what these older people have is each other. They make friends with each other and do things together even if it is just wheeling their wheelchairs into the dining room to have lunch once a day, or play bingo. They often develop friendly relationships with care givers. Those who have dementia like to sit in a recreation room and watch TV together, even if they don't speak. They just like being in company.

So don't go chasing after the idea that having family will prevent lonliness as you age. It won't. The antidote for it is to be as active and involved as you can, adjust your attitude to your circumstances, and manifest thankfulness for all you HAVE had, at the top.

[Anonymous]

Those are all excellent questions, op, that even people with kids should be asking.
Too many people make no plans for their old age. I would say that you should look for a community where there are people of similar minds and hobbies, yes, a retirement community—something like The Villages, but suited to your personality—also, engaging in activities, even going to grad school or taking classes at colleges near you, for a degree, or just for learning.
I finished a Master's degree last year, at 50. I hope to go for a Ph.D. several years from now.
I was far from the only old student there. Apart from keeping your brain busy and learning, which is an excellent thing, it gives you things to do. Read, finish reports, and become a more open person and not one of those curmudgeon old folk.

[Anonymous]

You seems to be a nice person OP. I wish I was your friend. Hug